#crustations

By the time the third locker vanished, everyone at Casper HighSchool had accepted that Danny Fenton was either cursed, chosen, or extremely committed to drama.

Danny, on the other hand, just kept saying he was, ‘theatrically burdened’ or that his parents had probably pissed off some ghost… which was sadly very possible given their profession.

Danny just thought that his body was being an ass. Maybe the world was getting back at him for the whole: high schooler with piss poor grades, suspiciously toned reflexes, and a talent for arriving late with leaves in his hair, by day, and the town’s least silent spooky protector a black-and-white ‘nuisance’ that fought crime while delivering one-liners no one had requested.

“Looks like your getaway car has been… repossessed”. That one had gotten some actually human robber to surrender mostly out of secondhand embarrassment. Danny was very proud of that one, very proud.

He was also a king of shitty nicknames, like ‘candypants’ and ‘boxy’ and ‘tinman’ and ‘grass stain’ and of course good ol’ ‘clocky’ (modified to ‘cocky’ when ClockWork was being a real know it all bastard).

Danny’s spooky boy powers used to be simple… well okay they were ‘numerous but simple’. He might have too many individual powers to count or remember or to even learn how to use properly, but a lot of them could just be combined into ecto-something. Ecto-manipulation: creating constructs, invisibility, intangibility, ectoblasts, ecto balls, ecto-kenisis ecto shields, his ecto field, ghostly wail, yada yada yada. Ecto-temperature kenisis: the fire and ice stuff, dropping room tempatures, being really fucking cold. Ecto-enhancements: strength, speed, agility, durability, heightened senses, yada yada yada. Gravity nullification was kinda just its own thing. See, simple. Not really, but really. He gave up a long ass time ago, trying to fully keep track of everything and thoroughly train everything. Total lost cause there.

Then, his folks went and shot him with another one of their experimental weapons, and something changed. For a second he’d been able to see the ghost zone without actually being there, very trippy, then right back to normal…. Well besides the smell of burnt pennies, which made him sneeze, and a glowing portal tore open in the air beside him. A startled pigeon flew through it and emerged three blocks away inside of a bakery.

That was the beginning of The Problem.

At first, the portals only happen when he was stressed. He’d be worrying over some test he absolutely didn’t not have nearly enough time to study for to have any hope of actually passing. Annnnnnnddddd Pop! A tiny green swirly opens under his math teacher’s coffee mug, and it drops neatly into the boys’ bathroom sink. The teacher cried a little when he got it back and saw that it wasn’t even chipped.

Another appeared in gym class when he missed a dodgeball, already tensing up for some mocking from Dash and co. The ball went through the portal and struck Principal Ishiyama in the back during the junior’s assembly.

One opened up in his bedroom while he was trying to sleep only to get rudely awoken by Technus screaming about his newest plan, the portal revealing a view of the ocean at midnight. Salt wind poured in and a crab entered without permission, walking right across Danny’s bed.

He named the crab Leonardo Da Pinchi.

He wound up taking an honestly ridiculous amount of impromptu portal related vacations to various parts of the world, including the moon one time. He even teleported not just himself, but his whole family to Cancun once. Jazz had been pissed and basically hissed at him about how this ‘wasn’t what she meant by vacation or getting out more’.

Then came ‘hero work’.

He’d been chasing down some new lock-themed ghost who was literally locking everyone’s cars and houses shut, trapping people in them. Danny shouting, “you’re about to be locked down!”, having every intent to tackle the ghost. Instead, a portal opens beneath his own feet right when the ghost throws a ton of lock picks as knives at him, so Danny shrugs and just drops through the portal to avoid the ‘weapons’; emerging from another portal in the middle of a yoga studio six blocks away.

Twenty women in matching leggings all staring at him. He’d even managed to land in downward dog, so all he had to say for himself was, “…Namast-ay out of crime?”.

Everyone started smacking him with their yoga mats and towels.

He accidentally kicked Skulker through portals three separate times. Once to a beach with a very pissed off lifeguard, because Skulker had shot off a taser weapon and basically electrified the entire beach. Another time to wedding, Skulker wound up getting tackled by three bridesmaids and someone’s uncle named Darren. And the third time, was just directly in front of a semi truck; Skulker left that time muttering about demanding a raise from Vlad.

He wound up redirecting one of Ember’s guitar rift lazer beams into a marble slab, made the perfect cut out of a crab. At least the city later installed it in a park. Danny took Leonardo Da Pinchi to see it, the crab raised its pinchers and did a little jig: Danny liked to think the crab was very pleased.

He even successfully unintentionally trapped a speeding Johnny in between two portals, driving through one and coming out the other over and over and over again. Danny eventually took pity on the guy and ecto-blasted the bike -and Johnny- the next time the ghost exited the one portal.

While rescuing a cat from a tree for publicity reasons, Danny got emotional because the cat resembled Leonardo Da Pinchi the crab somehow. So he accidentally portaled both the tree and the cat into the mayor’s office. Vlad was both pissed, because tree, and happy, because of the Danny-induced cat distribution system.

He even managed to link an active raging house fire to a bakery oven, shit smelled great but did nothing to actually help his situation. The fire fighters were very angry because the smell only reminded them that the call had interrupted their lunches, which were all slowly going cold at the fire house.

There was that one time the portal thing was actually working pretty well for him during a blackout, letting people pass flashlights and supplies and other necessary shit through them to get to other each other faster. Then one fucker had to start putting goddamn rubber chickens through them. Yes that was the kinda shit Danny would do, but it was very noisy and just made everyone mad at him. Since, again, it was something Phantom would do and everyone knew it; he couldn’t convince anyone that it wasn’t him.

The worst part is that the portals seemed to respond to emotions, but Danny was well known to have all the emotional stability of a soda can in a paint shaker. He was always too tired, a bit battered, stressed, over caffeinated, oh and the whole having the biology and physiology of two different species smashed together into one body. None of that shit was good for being stable in any sense of the word.

Nervous? Portal.

Excited? Portal!

Embarrassed? Three portals.

Crush smiles at him in chemistry class? Catastrophic portal event.

That happened with Valerie, because of course it did. They may not currently be a thing but goddamn does he still helplessly like her. That whole getting tied up and tased by her did things to his brain that he wouldn’t mind revisiting more consensually.

She’d leaned over his desk, “hey, do you have a pencil?”. And Danny’s only-slept-for-eight-minutes-and-twelve-seconds brain became a fireworks factory. A portal bursting open right between them, connected directly to the city aquarium. Aka one of the places they once went on a date to… talk about awkward, oh my Ancients. Really unfortunately, it connected to the inside of one of the aquarium tanks, not just the open viewing area where people could walk around, meaning that water surged out of the portal and all across the classroom floor instantly. A stingray flapped out onto Mr. Lancer’s desk, literal fish outta water moment right there. The teacher immediately rushing to get the thing in some water, while panicking a little bit about it dying on him. Though Danny thought the guy should be more concerned about the fact that the class was currently flooding, and that there had been a sudden portal, but Lancer was well known for being pretty unflappable in times of extreme stress and weirdness.

Valerie blinking, “…you okay?”.

Danny, soaked to the bone, holds up a pencil, wheezing and spitting out some water and seaweed, “number two?”.

She’d snags the pencil and mutters under her breath, “I hate this fucking town”.

Danny’d obviously tried training, that was the obvious course of action always. Heck, even meditation, which helped until he got annoyed at said meditation; Danny was not a sit down all calm and zen type.

He written a little journal titled Portal Thoughts & Oopses. Entries included such wonderful events, such as:

Angry: opened hole into sewer. Smelly, -2/10

Said “I could eat a horse.” Portal to petting zoo. Horse offended, 1/10

Sad: opened portal to rainy alley. Rude, 1/10. Sad playlist plus rainstorm opened portal to even rainier alley. Universe piling on, 0/10

Mild annoyance at homework opened portal that ate only page three. Teacher unconvinced, worth a retry, 2/10

Laughed too hard at own joke. Portal launched juice box into ceiling fan. Very messy, but also very funny. 4/10

Stubbed toe. Opened portal directly under self. Stubbed same toe again elsewhere. I actually broke my toe. -3/10

Hungry: opened portal into bakery again. Bought croissant, 8/10, croissant was very buttery. Hungry at 2 a.m. Portal to bakery again. Clerk now calls me “Doorboy”, 7/10

Sneezed twice. Opened two portals. One into other portal. Nearly created self-devouring geometry. Terrified math teacher, was hilarious 8/10

Startled: accidental moon glimpse?? Need follow-up, was awesome. 1000000000/10. Recreated when said phrase “need space”, zero regrets and new favourite phrase 100000000000000/10

Embarrassed blush event in chemistry. Portal projected donkey sounds for seven seconds. Extremely embarrassing, -6/10

Told Skulker to “take a hike”. Sent him onto mountain trail with map. Efficient and pissed off Skulker’s tinman ass, 9/10

Said phrase “this is going nowhere”: created hallway loop. Kwan kept running through it laughing, 6/10

Panicked during pop quiz created six tiny portals around pencil tip. Wrote in cursive at impossible speed. Finished 10 minutes early but still failed, 4/10

Angry shower singing opened portal to neighbor’s bathroom. We both screamed, -5/10

Tried keeping calm while lying. Portal emitted loud buzzer noise. Interesting moral stance, 2/10

Sleepy. Rolled over into portal. Woke up in hammock store, had good enough nap that Nocturne showed up to comment on it, 111/10

Startled by cat. Cat startled by portal. Both reached ceiling, 2/10

Accidentally said “what’s cooking?” near cafeteria. Portal to the set of Hell’s Kitchen. Gordon Ramsay furious, risotto excellent, 15/10

Whispered “drop dead” at video game boss. Controller fell through portal into antique shop. Tuck was pissed, -4/10

Frustrated with tangled earbuds. Portal untangled them by removing one earbud entirely. Missing still, 1/10

Overconfident mood. Attempted stylish hero landing via portal chain. Landed in recycling bin, -1/10

Had mild panic attack realizing I may never fully control this. Tiny portal popped out a neon yellow ecto-cake pop. Comforting yet sassy, 2/10

Jazz had opinions on the whole issue, of course she did, she always had opinions. Her pointing at him, “your power doesn’t lack control. You lack brakes”.

“That feels personal”.

“It was meant to”.

She told him to try meditating more, or journaling, or to stop focusing on a good pun over avoid a punch; massive fuck no to that last one. Never.

Then Leonardo Da Pinchi scared the bejeesus out of her by scuttling quickly across the living room floor, holding a knife in one of his pinchers. Her smacking Danny after he smirked and snickered at her, “now who’s the one that needs calming breaths”.

Then Vortex decided to be an ass and assault the town with unpleasant weather patterns again, basically holding the city hostage beneath a permanent thunderstorm.

“You will all kneel before my reign!”

Danny, crouching like a gargoyle, whispers to himself, “okay, okay, no panic. No jokes. Calm center. Steady mind”, pausing and adding, “though kneeling is rough on the knees”. A hint of a portal flickers, Danny glaring, “nope. Not today, Satan”; and zips off into spectral battle.

Lightning cracks across the skyline, Vortex cackling while little tornados rip around throwing cars and people, at least most folks are running away, and what cars aren’t already up into the air are trying to get away as fast as they can. Danny’s dodging lightning bolts and palm sized storm clouds, the occasional miniature sun. The streets goddamn chaos, some people are trapped on buses, a lot of children are crying, the ghost sirens are going off only to be swallowed by all the thunder.

Valerie, as the Red Huntress, is trying to redirect people, block lightning bolts and over aggressive hail, attempting to fire back at the ghost only for her blasts to get eaten up by tornadoes and spat back out at buildings or her; she’s clearly more than a little bit frustrated. “Phantom! Would you hurry up and deal with this asshole!”.

Fuck. “I’m trying!”.

Last time he basically only beat up this guy ‘cause he stole the dudes powers, weather powers he no longer has. So yeah, this is one of those moments where he gets a little bit scared. meaning… a bunch of fucking portals pop up, twenty to be exact. They erupt across the street like mirrors punched into reality. One swallows the next lightning blast and redirects it harmlessly into the harbour. Another opens up beneath some civilians, dropping them gently into a lobby at a nearby hotel. Another sends some mini storm clouds off to a pet adoption fair.

It’s pandemonium with a crap ton of paperwork for dear mayor Vladdie to do… meaning the guy is going to get back at Danny for all of this bullshit one way or another. Betcha that guy is really regretting ever bringing Vortex to this town so badly right now.

Danny floats in the center of the madness, breathless, and for once, he doesn’t fight the portals; he aims them. Not perfectly, not elegantly, but rather instinctively. Sometimes his powers just be like that; his intangibility, invisibility, and gravity nullification were the one’s most notably like that. He just… knew how to do it as long as he went along with his body, instead of trying to logic it out.

He flies in through one, out through another, rebounding off of a billboard, zips through a third, and lands feet-first on weather assholes back. Smirking at the small, “oof”, from the ghost. Danny grabbing onto the guys lightning bolt horn things, “forecast says…”, sending the shock of his ghost stinger, “…scattered unemployment”; throughly shocking the ghost to high hell.

The rain stops as the steaming ghost slumps over some, people start cheering before he even finishes getting the ghost into his thermos. He’s so totally going to have to have a word with the Observants about letting their little piece of shit storm god ghost out again.

Later on, in the school field under clearing skies, Valerie finds Danny in civilian clothes. He’s covered in debris and feeling way too sore to bother getting up. Her looking down at him and crossing her arms, “you disappeared during the attack”.

“Yup. I was… around”.

She smiles, “funny, that’s exactly what Phantom would say”.

Danny freezes, “uh”, and a tiny portal opens beside his head, revealing a llama in some distant field… the llama stares judgmentally.

Valerie snorts, chucking some food into the portal, the llama looks pleased. “Relax, Danny, you absolute shit kicked dumbass. You suck at fighting weather phenomenons”.

Danny groans, lifts his head up to bang it back down into the grass, ending up sticking his head down into a new portal instead that’s underwater. Jerking his now very wet hair back up, “fuck, goddamnit”, shaking his hair and eyeing her, still not moving from his spot on the grass, “how long have you known?”.

“You once returned a library book while hanging upside down, Star also watched you do it by the way. She also saw you screaming into a toilet, why you did that in the girls washroom I don’t know. And she saw you eat a ghost, which, why?”.

“Right”. WOW Danny really fucked up that secret keeping, goddamn.

She rolls her eyes, “subtle as a dead skunk”, shrugging a little, “your dumbass non-existent self-awareness got me my friendship back though, ain’t no point hiding my suit if she knows about your suit, so I guess thanks”.

He groans, and another portal opens up, raining flower petals from somewhere tropical.

Valerie shaking her head before stepping closer, kneeling down, and flopping over to lay on the grass next to him, “can you control those yet?”.

Danny looks at the pulsating green tear in reality, the impossible stars inside it, the chaos humming under his skin. “Control? No, fat goddamn chance”, he grins, “buuuuuut, I am getting the hang of making an entrance”.

Then he takes her hand, uses his feet to push his back upwards against the grass, dragging her along with him limply, and they fall through one of the portals in the grass.

They emerge on top of a table in a bakery three blocks away, Leonardo Da Pinchi the crab was waiting, clicking one claw and waving around an Oreo cookie. And, of course, Star’s there in a work uniform, trying to catch Leonardo Da Pinchi.

Danny scrabbling up off of the table and grabbing up the crab, holding him up above his head away from Star, “hey! You leave Leonardo Da Pinchi alone!”.

Valerie sitting up on the table slowly, “why does the crab have a name and how do you know it’s the same crab?”.

Star puts her hands on her hips and glares at Danny, “he or she keeps stealing all the Oreo cookies, either it goes in a boiling pot or take your weird crab home, get it out of here”, sighing, “it’s weirder that you named a normal crab, than the fact that you did that”.

Danny blinks and lowers his hands, holding Leonardo Da Pinchi to his chest. Then the fucking dick pinches his nipple, which of course startles him into making another portal… one that he immediately yeets Leonardo Da Pinchi through. Looking to the portal comically horrified, “what no! That was a claw-some throw but I was only trying to sidestep the drama, not relocate it!”, scrambling through the portal, shouting, “I’m gonna claw it a day! And- oh hey he’s good! Thanks for catching Leonardo Da Pinchi, Skulker!”.

The ghost can just barely be heard through the portal shouting, “just get this thing out of my suit! My poor wires and- ow! That’s my eye!”.

Star grumbling, “I didn’t mean to portal the poor thing literally inside of a ghost”.

Valerie and Star eye each other before the former gets off of the table and joins the other in walking towards the portal, grabbing Danny’s legs, and yanking him back into the bakery. At least the portal closes. Valerie points at him, “you can”, sighing heavily, “‘claw’ it a day here”.

Danny pouts, “but what about Leonardo Da Pinchi?”.

Star huffing, “you said he’s fine, he’s happier wherever he is and not at my job, that pays me quite nicely but probably won’t if I just let a crab run around free range”.

Danny sighs and slumps into a chair, “fine, I guess the aquarium is an okay place”.

Valerie patting him on the shoulder, “and you can even visit him whenever you want”. Star shakes her head, walks off into the back, and comes back out with some pastries on plates and sets them down in front of them.

Danny eyeing the food then Valerie, “is this a goddamn date now?”.

She smirks and rolls her eyes, “what do you think, ghost boy?”. A chair immediately falls down through a portal.

Star glares, “I will take back the food if you do that again, control yourself, oh my zone”, and walks off muttering about witting ‘chair disappeared due to ghost shenanigans’ report.

Danny very awkwardly takes a bite out of the iced bread thing, Valerie laughs very meanly at him.

End.