#crossroadofinfinity

The print is also available on Amazon, but I don’t recommend it. They’ve increased their prices to a RIDICULOUS amount! If it were up to me, the print would be roughly the same price as the ebook -- instead, it’s 22 dollars. WHAT THE HELL, AMAZON?! Anyway, currently looking for a better place to sell the print version. Until then, I’m making a total of NOTHING off of those sales.

Yes. That’s right. The print is $22, and NONE of that goes to me...

But the early childhood I’ve “imagined” is real enough to me. And it was pretty good. I think my parents both cared about me, that I never went hungry or was abused, and that I got to do a lot of things I loved. Sure, my parents were a little over-protective, and they didn’t understand me, like… at all.

But it’s not like they could have, anyway.

I dunno. Maybe it’s just the rose-tinted glasses, since I can’t actually remember things like what their jobs were, what their names were, what they looked like… But what’s the point in questioning it?

I just… I can’t see the point in fighting or fearing what I can’t change. I never have.

And if it makes me happy, then I REALLY don’t see the point!

And remembering the good parts of my homeworld? THAT makes me happy! So I’m going to start off this tale by indulging myself.

Now, I only have the memories stored in the First Memory Crystal to go by. Which, yes, is vastly better than my “memories” of my early childhood, but I wasn’t exactly expecting to continue living after dying in my homeworld. So, while admittedly better (and I’ll give a brief “thank you” to Noctu, that loveable pseudo-demon, for showing me I remembered more than I realized), my memories of my homeworld still aren’t all that detailed. Also, my homeworld was ruled by vastly different laws of physics compared to this world, so, while I’m going to do my best to explain and translate, please keep those things in mind, haha!

First off, we didn’t have a name for our world, per-say -- at least, not one I can translate beyond “our world.” So I’ve chosen to call it “Illunira.” After how it glowed.

It was cold. There was no sun to warm it -- in fact, there was no outer space at all! Instead, the heat from the center of the planet spread to the surface through lava, and our sky looked out upon a different dimension. Plants grew in that lava, and our sky- that dimension? … It looked like a prism.

There were no seasons. No day or night. Instead, we told time by the changing of the crops: the Planting, Growing, Harvest, and Rest. We sowed our crops in spots where large amounts of life-sustaining, silver-colored lava came to the surface. I’m going to call these “volcanoes,” but they didn’t erupt like the ones here do. They only spilled out and bubbled with lava. Our cities and towns formed around these volcanoes. However, never too close. Too close and we burned.

Well… some of us.

There were three species of intelligent beings: the Anima, the Florus, and the Symbi; and the Florus were able to live closest to the volcanoes, as they were plant-like beings (though, of course, sentient and mobile).

I say they were “plant-like,” but… Illunira’s “plants” more resembled flexible crystals than any vegetation from this world. But, unlike crystals, they glowed with energy siphoned directly from the lava. They were what transformed that energy into something that could sustain life -- much like how plants here do with sunlight. And this was how the Florus “ate” -- directly from the lava. However, since they lost the energy they siphoned rather quickly, they could never stray far from a source of their “food.” (In this way, perhaps they were more like reptiles that couldn’t let themselves get too “cold”?)

In contrast, the Symbi, clusters of single-celled beings that worked together to form larger “communities,” stayed far away from the blustering warmth of the lava. It would easily kill some of their members. Far from being crystalline, the Symbi were more like living, coordinated plasma; they only had a solid form or shape when they wanted to. And, as I understood it, it took quite a bit of effort to do so. So they rarely did.

The Symbi gained energy from… … Huh. Y’know, I don’t think I ever saw them feed -- but then, how could I? They were far too small. They almost seemed self-sustaining, in that way. Although I know they couldn’t have been.

The Anima, essentially humanoid beings, were something between the two. We were beings that couldn’t feed from the lava, nor get too close to it, like the Symbi. We held a more solid, crystal-like structure like the Florus, yet we also flowed with formless plasma internally, allowing us greater freedom of movement and separation from our energy-sources than them. We seemed able to feed off of almost anything that wasn’t the lava itself: smaller creatures, the “plants,” and even some… I’m honestly not sure what they were, but there were these floating, excess energy… things that we could absorb.

… Perhaps that’s what the Symbi ate…?

Regardless -- All of us glowed. All of us lived together, fed one another. Ruled over and under each other. All of us had souls. And, when our bodies inevitably died, all of us became the Dead Ones.

The Dead Ones... those whose physical bodies had died, lived on as beings of pure energy in the outer atmosphere -- inside the divide between Illunira and the dimension surrounding it. Though, only for a limited time. Only until their energy ran out.

This dimension I call “Prizmal” because it looked -- and still looks -- like a prism from a distance. Some believed Prizmal to be the afterlife, while others insisted it was what fed the planet’s core with energy. Either way, only the Dead Ones -- who had solely prizmal bodies, without any material elements -- were allowed to travel there. Anyone else would die so far from the planet’s heat.

I know because they tried, once. How could they do that, you may wonder?

Because we floated.

We weren’t tied down to the land. All of us: Anima, Symbi, Florus -- anything that wasn’t a plant -- floated and flew.

Because everything that lived there was only ever half-made of matter. And the other half was energy. So we floated.

  I said everything glowed, but it wasn’t a bright place. On the contrary, it was quite dark! But that darkness just made every light seem to shine that much brighter!

Small animals would skitter across pools of silvery lava, sparkling against it and any other reflective surface. Sometimes you’d see a light come up from under the non-glowing, pitch-black ground to reveal a tiny nose. Or you’d see a mass of similar-shaped flames rushing in one direction and, on closer inspection, realize it was a herd or pack of some larger creatures traveling together. Sparks would flicker in the sky, alone or in droves, looking for smaller sparks to swallow.

All of it against the empty darkness of the ground below, or the shattered, diffused light of Prizmal and the Dead Ones above.

Darkness and light extending in every direction, like a sea of living and moving neon signs on a starless night. Everything glowed. All so many different colors.

… I miss how colorful it was there.

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But they weren’t just there to look pretty. All those different shades of color and light had a purpose: the color or quality of a person’s spirit signaled what “polarity” they belonged to.

The polarities were opposite, but connected, energies that could only be given off by living souls. They were all aspects of inner psychology, or the relations between people -- things soulless beings (at least, in Illunira) were incapable of having. There were five total. You needn’t remember them all, but it is important that you understand the basics. So I’ll lay it out as simply as I can:

.

The actual colors were, respectively, Yellow/Blue for the Order/Chaos polarity, Green/Purple for the Self/Others polarity, and Red/Cyan for the Emotion/Logic polarity. The qualities of those colors were Saturated/Desaturated for Activity/Passivity, Light/Dark for Direct (action)/Indirect (action), and finally…

The one you DO need to remember: the Demonic/Angelic axis. Which didn’t have a color or quality, and which most people struggled to even detect. Let alone identify.

.

Everyone in my homeworld had one of these “spirit types,” but even more important than their polarity -- was their “orientation.” Because the orientation of their spirit identified what their prizmal body required to survive.

This part you will need to remember, but it’s already rather simple: A person could be either an absorber, an emitter, or a balancer of a specific color or quality. In order to live, absorbers needed to absorb a type of energy; emitters needed to emit a type of energy; and balancers needed to absorb a type of energy and emit its opposite polarity.

Any orientation could be any color. But the same wasn’t true of qualities. While almost everything WAS on a sliding-scale -- anyone extremely dark or desaturated was an absorber, anyone very saturated or light was an emitter… And anyone highest in the qualities of “demonic” or “angelic” energies -- WAS a balancer.

And if they were a balancer -- they were taken. Trained by the Dead Ones to become their “lower-leaders.”

This was how my possibly-imagined happy childhood ended.

A person’s spirit type was identified during their childhood in a ceremony known as their “Emerging.” The outcome determined how the child would be educated for the rest of their youth. So serious an affair was it that every Emerging was performed by a Dead One. They’d look into the child’s spirit extremely deeply, examine the balance of the colors -- of the Polarities -- until they identified the dominant traits, then, if needed, they’d feed the child each type of energy, waiting to see if it was absorbed, rejected, or… its opposite emitted.

I only remember one part of my Emerging clearly -- the single glance the Dead One took at me before identifying my spirit type. A demon-eater. One of the two spirit types that were both loved and feared above all others.

Here I was, my neighbors’ beloved little innocent princess -- one of them. I can just imagine the thought in their heads the second they heard: “I should have known. She was just TOO likeable.” Because, you see, a demon-eater -- I -- absorb “demonic” energy and emit “angelic” energy. Whether I want to or not.

So, as long as those around me are unaware, I ca- ah… … Nevermind.

Mercifully, I didn’t have long to dwell on the reactions of the people I’d grown up around. Demon-eaters were so rare -- and so feared and treasured by the Dead Ones -- that I was removed immediately for “training.” I was thrust into an inescapable exercise I can only describe as Brainwashing and Loyalty 101.

I think the “Balancers’ Creed” just about says it all: “Obey the Dead Ones in charge of you unquestioningly. Always scan the auras of those around you, making sure the environment remains peaceful. If you encounter an Unsalvageable -- or, worse, a Rebel -- capture them and send them to an Unsalv Civilization. However, if they are a balancer, True Kill them on-sight.”

Ah, yes, “Unsalvageables.” I doubt I need to explain what a “Rebel” was, but care to take a guess at what it meant for someone to be “unsalvageable?”

An “Unsalv” was anyone who was too high in two or more of these three colors: Green, Red, or Blue -- too Selfish and Emotional, too Emotional and Chaotic, or too Chaotic and Selfish. One of them was fine, they could be reasoned with through Order, Logic, or their care for Others. But if too high in either of the other two as well, they were likely to… “spread trouble.” Of course, this meant someone Active was infinitely more likely to be an Unsalv than someone Passive. Hard to be high in any two colors when your defining feature is being gray.

As for the meaning of “True Kill” -- well…

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Apparently staying would influence Lucy and company's conversation too much. Or something.

And, with that nail now solidly in the coffin -- I can't stop myself, < ... Are you sure? > < Hm? > < About leaving. >

Tess reforms at the edge of a particular pond in the cemetery, cross in-hand. She's told me she likes this one because the way the moon and stars glisten off the water reminds her of Illunira. < ... You still don't trust him, huh? You were even more nervous than me during all that. > < Can you blame me? After everything he's done, I'm surprised you do. > < True, Xihrae's come close to crossing the line.

< … A lot. But- > < -But he's never crossed it, yeah yeah. > The wind has started to blow again. It breaks the reflections in the water, stirring it just enough to set the light swirling against the leaves on the trees above us. < You're still jealous, aren't you? > < … < … I'm not. I'm just worried he's gonna break your heart someday. > I manage to refrain from adding 'That I'm going to break your heart someday…'

She smiles. < Heh. For a so-called "psuedo-demon," you can be awfully sweet. >

She likes calling me that. "Pseudo-demon." Says it contrasts nicely with "demon-eater." It's not even remotely accurate to what I actually am. "Spirit," "ghost," or even "fairy" would be more accurate. But… I agree. I kinda like how "pseudo-demon" sounds. Or… I guess maybe it just grew on me. After I got used to it no longer being an insult.

< You don't need to worry. My heart's not that fragile. You, of all people, ought to know that, haha! >

She likes doing this, it seems: saying something that's true, but still misleading. My guilt rising again, I remember how hard I'd tried to break her myself in the past. And, in fact, how her heart is actually all-too-easily injured.

… But, indeed, nearly impossible to fully break. And, for a moment, I'm reassured.

< Well. I suppose you're right. And if he ever does cross that line… >

Tess's smile becomes a grin. She looks at the cross in her hand; the thing this entire project had been about. The thing that can break Dracula's curse- -and let him roam the earth freely again. Without needing to return to the castle's cursed ground.

She stares at it, appreciating the way it seems to belong here, in the refracting, dancing light. < If that happens… We'll BOTH show him what true HELL looks like! >

And with those reminders, those reassurances… … I set my fears aside.

.

And choose to focus on my goal.

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Let it be known that I'll be the last person to ever get offended by the term "adrenaline-junky."

Because what I had there, right then? That dead body in front of me?

Now that was a rush!!!

I knew "Jacob" would be difficult to kill. HE always is. That's what makes hunting HIM, fighting HIM, fighting alongside HIM-- SO fun. And what made seeing HIS body -- Gary Sue's body -- lying dead at my feet so, so satisfying!

Granted, finding a poison that worked on him, then finding a way to use it on him -- OH, now THERE was a headache. And a BORE! I had so many things spoiled for me because of that guy! Life after life, timeline after timeline, wasted -- and for what? To get rid of ONE DUDE?!

Oh, that is something I just couldn't forgive.

"Sorry about this, ol' buddy," I said, pulling the body along, "Really, I mean it. You know I love playing with you. It's always such a thrill!" I only stopped pulling once I reached the hole I'd dug. "But I just couldn't have you ruining this chance for me. Sure, playing with you is fun and all -- but I know I'll get to do it again! This opportunity, though?"

I positioned the body and moved to stand beside it. "I'll never get this again." I shoved Gary's body -- that world's version of it, anyway -- into the hole.

Where it landed with a remarkably satisfying thud.

"And also, y'know…" Finally, I picked up the shovel to start burying it… "It really has been too long…" Where hopefully… "Since I've been in a war." … Tess wouldn't find it.

.

And realize I'd broken my promise.

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[Previous Chapter]

Helsing is shaking, his eyes wider than ever, and his face twitching, not settling on any one expression.

Tess keeps her voice steady, low, calm. Civil. "Tell me, Abraham. When he woke, didn't your partner say anything to you?"

The pitch of his voice is all over the place, his breathing ragged, "He… He tried to convince me it was his choice. That he became that monster by choice."

"And you said he was lying next to his brother on the bed. Tell me, were they lying peacefully?"

"No… NO! He-... He must have dragged him up there- Posed his body like that! Or-! No. No, he hypnotized him! Just like you've done to-!"

"-What will it take to convince you? That vampires are STILL PEOPLE," Tess's voice grows stronger -- more aggressive, "Or are you just scared of the truth -- that you killed your friend that night?"

"No! You're lying- Stop! Stop trying to convince me of your lies, foul creature!"

He lunges at Tess then, with no regard for any of the people between. In his hysterical state, he pushes them aside with ease and throws holy water from the flask at his hip. Tess only stands there. Unmoving. Truly panicking now, he pulls out some sacred wafers and tries again. Still without effect. He brandishes the silver cross at her, but still nothing.

< Of course not. I'm not cursed. >

"I don't understand. Are you…" His face lights up in false-understanding. His voice rises in pitch as he declares, "You're-not actually one of them! You're not a vampire!"

Tess sighs.

Turning into a flock of bats, she flies -- a blur to the human eye -- the few feet between them and reforms -- directly in front of him. "I assure you, I am. Or, well…" Tess's eyes smile a little, involuntarily, "I'm a dhampir."

"A… a what?"

"I'm part vampire… and part HUMAN."

"But… No… But that would mean…?" He takes a step back.

"Indeed." < You're smiling outright, now. > < I really can't help it. I love it when they jump to conclusions! ~Just like he's about to.~ >

He's screaming now. "But that can't be! For that to happen, a vampire and a human-! It's impossible! They don't mix, they-!" "-I have an entire village that disagrees."

Tess turns so that she can address everyone. "Back in my home, our entire village coexists -- half of them vampires and the other humans, living together. Caring for each other," she looks back at Helsing, "Families full of both humans and humans-turned-vampires."

He's backing away. "... That's… But…"

Tess grins an all-tooth smile. Her voice is overly-cheerful. "You should come visit! I could give you a tour, if you like. I really think some traveling would do you good.

"After all, I know it has for me!"

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It's hard to tell the passage of time in there, but I must have stayed frozen for a few hours, at least.

.

Then I cried.

For not being able to reach paradise. For causing what I had.

… For Angel. And all the other friends I'd never see again.

For everything.

.

I lied there for a while longer after that, just… staring into Prizmal. Into Infinity.

Not asking any questions. I didn't have any. I just… watched.

.

And thought.

.

I didn't consider suicide, though. For one, that just… isn't me. I don't have an explanation for that, exactly. For whatever reason, that's just… not how I'm wired. But also, Mentor had told me that the only way to die inside the Crossroad is by old age. So there was no point in trying, even if I was so inclined.

Instead, I taught myself. About Infinity. I watched, felt, and absorbed as much as I could stand.

And discovered: Infinite variations of infinite worlds means there is infinite suffering.

And infinite joy.

.

I'm not going to pretend like what happened on Scarring was… the worst I'd ever seen. Not by a long shot.

Honestly, it's not even the worst I've ever caused.

But in those cases, those horrible things happened in worlds that had seen tragedies before. Scarring was a paradise.

I had turned a paradise into a living hell.

And yet… What was I supposed to DO about that? I couldn't go back! I'd never be able to fix that mistake! Oh, sure, I could "make sure I never did it again," but that's not the same!

It wasn't just the mistake I had made in letting myself cause a Demonic Energy Flame, it was… I could never reach paradise.

How was I supposed to live with that?

…

Mentor had told me already: "Just do what makes you happy. There's no point in anything else."

"Get used to having a broken heart, Future Heir. It's the only kind you'll ever have. You'll think you've gotten over it, and then it will start bleeding again the moment you see, for example, a brainwashed 'peacekeeper' forced to murder an innocent child."

I didn't like that. But that was because I hadn't understood. Mentor hadn't meant to do only the things I enjoyed. They hadn't meant to avoid getting a broken heart.

To be the Keeper of the Crossroad of Infinity is to be an explorer. And to explore means to constantly find new things that make me happy. And that make me unhappy.

To be the Keeper of the Crossroad of Infinity means to explore the infinite joy and suffering out there!

What Mentor meant… was to focus on the joy.

"It's been so long since I've seen my own homeworld… I think some of these 'alien aspects' feel more familiar to me now than the ones I was born into. "I wonder if that will happen to you someday? ...Probably."

Finding "alien aspects" that I like so much that I keep returning to worlds that have them?

So… What was something I liked? … Helping people.

Was it the guilt? … Probably. Partially. At first, anyway. But it's something that still holds true.

.

If I can't ever go to a "paradise" world, then I can at least enjoy making the worlds I go to a little better. Not because it will "tip the balance" or anything -- if you add to or take from infinity, you're still left with infinity.

But because I enjoy it.

But also because: Wallowing in misery over something I can't change? I just can't see the point in that.

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I didn't really want to go. It seemed like nothing but fighting happened there. And, as entertaining as it was to watch them throw insults at each other -- and then proceed to get all worked up when they were insulted back (Really, what were they expecting to happen? Haha!) -- it ALSO gave me that world's equivalent of a headache after only a few minutes.

But they said this one was important. And this was the first they'd held in a very long time. … And I missed them.

When I got there, I wasn't sure where to put myself. The room had been divided in two -- As on one side and Bs on the other. I awkwardly settled into a corner between the two. The rest of the group filed in. I waited for the arguing to begin… But it never came.

Evidently I'd missed something, because everyone else seemed to be on the same page already. They were just there to hash out details and make it all official. They had decided to move all the Hybrids into one building. It seemed like it would be cramped to me, but the small size was, apparently, exactly what they were going for -- although it would take multiple "events." There was discussion of whether it would be small enough and if they'd have enough of a specific material.

It took me… too long… to understand what they meant. But even once I did. It… It actually sounded like a good idea at the time.

I mean, it would work, right? And I wanted that peace back just as much as they did, right?! And besides… At least, back then, it actually sounded… … … Entertaining.

So much so, in fact, that I agreed to help oversee the construction of the building.

It seemed like it was built in no time. And was filled in even less time than that.

I-t-… I-it…

(C'mon… I can do this… I CAN do this…!)

… … It wasn't until after… after one group had already burned…!

.

The thing… about the Flames. They… The hunger doesn't stop until it's sated. Completely sated. And by then… BY THEN THEY HAD-!

.

…

I was… I was up high, on top of a platform. Both sides, As and Bs, were watching the fire rage inside the building. Screams were coming from inside, and the smell… it was terrible. But. It "made my mouth water," even as everyone else protected themselves from it, trying not to "gag."

And below. They were struggling to contain the next group. That group was struggling, fighting so hard to escape. But even more than that- -they were pleading. Begging their friends -- their families -- to "wake up."

Then. … One of them tried to kill me.

I looked down at them, only to see them killed on the spot.

That's when I woke up. And realized… I was smiling.

.

I just froze.

I couldn't process it.

What had happened? -- I knew what happened. What was going on? -- I'd set a Flame. How…?

.

< HOW DO I STOP IT?! >

.

I was already "full!" I couldn't absorb any more demonic energy!

And I didn't have any authority. I couldn't just order them to stop!

But. I did have some say.

.

I could leave.

I needed to LEAVE!

.

But… How could I? I couldn't just leave them like this!

I had to do something. I HAD to do SOMETHING!!!

… And there was only one thing I could think of -- before they started to lead the next group in.

.

I shouted -- I waved -- I did anything so they'd hear me. I said I wanted to make an announcement.

… And I managed to get their attention. Everyone's attention.

In the pause before I did anything, I could hear some of the Hybrids below cursing me. < Good, > I thought. < Blame me. Just not each other. Not anymore! >

I wasn't exactly eloquent. But with my plan, I didn't need to be. I hoped.

I apologized. It was the only thing I could do! … The only thing I had left.

And I confessed. That I'd been running from my own problems. And dragged them into it. Confessed I wasn't some "wise traveller."

I told them to stop. All of it. To go back to how they were before I'd arrived.

And then… I jumped. I fell.

.

I "left."

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