#crant

Happy Birthday @triscribe!! I hope it’s a good one! :D

Progress Pictures under the cut

Thought I’d whip out a quick self-portrait for my birthday today, and once again had to consider something that’s been haunting me the last couple weeks:

When I wrote the first draft of my novel Wolfen’s Rage (which I’m currently re-writing with my snazzy college-found concepts of gender identity and it’s-never-too-soon-to-start-foreshadowing) I was fourteen, the same age as one of the second book’s characters Tali. Now, at twenty, I’m the same age as her big sister and the mainest of my main characters, Crant. The first day I realized this was going to happen, I had to sit down for a while. Now, it’s not quite as striking an epiphany, but still more than a little disturbing.

I don’t deserve this.

We hung out with the rest of our friends last night, and I just couldn’t keep away from him. I wanted to be close to him, and he looked so good yesterday! I don’t even thing there was anything special he did. I just looked at him and all I saw was sparkling eyes and that bottom lip that drives me insane. And his voice. Don’t even get me started. 

The giant shuffles through the place, inspecting it with increasing curiousity which had been sparked the moment he has awoken. It isn't entirely unfamiliar with him, he finds himself thinking.

It takes him an additional step to realize where he was.

It takes him an two additional steps to actually stop on his spot.

The additional step afterwards leads him a tad back.

No, he never wanted to be here ever again. Not in this life time, at least. But he is. His two feet standing on the ground of what he once had called to be his home. Why was he here? If he wasn't the one to have carried himself to this place, who else did? Has he been abducted? Kidnapped? Blackmailed? What exactly was going on?

Chanyeol shakes his head vigurously, voices inside his head beginning to talk to him, almost causing him to lose his balance from the sudden mental impact. He clutches his chest, the harsh movement of his head not dying. The voices grow louder and louder. Suddenly, everything becomes hectic. He doesn't know where to go. Where is a door? A window? Anything to escape from this place? If it's necessary, he even agrees on running into the next wall.

It is as if he's teared apart, stumbling on his way to the window. His clothes are ripped off, tears dropping endlessly, his facade collapsing and claws digging deep into his skin through the bones. The mental pressure never stops to grow and to add weight to his shoulders.

He fades on the instant.

Darkness once more. Embracing cold wind. The faint and distant sound of cars honking. People complaining and talking.

Chanyeol's eyes widen in shock as he realizes where exactly he is positioned. The edge of the building, his feet just barely peeking over it. No, this isn't good. How did he get up here? Wasn't it his usual time to be at work? Why wasn't he there? Why-

Something rips him away from his body, letting him float next to his own physical appearance. He sees himself suddenly smiling widely, arms spread apart and lips moving to mouth dead words before the body just drops about twentyfive floors until it crashes to the ground. People start screaming, some even faint. The impact is.. horrendously incredible.

Look, look, I'm becoming a star!

His mandible drops in shock. .. Don't.. People gather around the corpse. .. ever.. The police and ambulance arrive at the street the event took place in. .. do.. And then, all of his stars gather, staring in sheer disbelief at what their friend has become. ..that.

Too late.

His breath quickens its pace and pattern before he screams out loud. The scream burns down his lungs, throat and mouth until his whole body feels like burning down.

As Chanyeol opens his eyes, he has absolutely no clue on where he is. Something about the place surrounding him makes him safe. An oddly familiar warmth creeps into his bones until it reaches the marrow. He blankly and innocently blinks which causes him to feel dried salt on his skin. The sun tickles his skin.

Procyon rushes towards him, whispering Chanyeol's name repeatedly like a siren to echo in his head. The younger's arms lock Chanyeol's head close to his chest and utters sweet words into his best friend's ear.

Finally it sinks through his brain to him. Just a mere dream. A nightmare. But he is still here. It may sound ridiculous, but he still is here. Here. Chanyeol decides to push his dream far away, the dream to become an actual star, far away. As far as he can. Just right next to the memory of losing all of his friends on the way to the circus.

To express it bluntly, please, grow the fuck up. I mean.. It's time to utter what I think of you anyway.

My dear, please know that I always try to find a liking in everyone who I encounter and get to know, meaning that I'm extremely tolerant whatever people may be like. And of course, I always ask others to be themselves. But that's just meant to make sure whether I get along with them or not.

In your case.. I wasn't so sure. Sometimes our conversations were perfect, fluent and not stopping. But after some time I found that I was rather annoyed by your presence. To be honest, you were the reason to make me decide to leave the group chat because whenever you spoke up, I found myself being annoyed by you. Yes, I'm annoyed by you. Non-stop.

Grow the fuck up, please. The more often you are rejected, the more unlikely it'll be to be actually accepted. And once you are rejected (no matter how often by the way), the smaller the possibility will be to be accepted. The one you crushed on.. You know what he's like and he's interested in someone else. Try to move on. Don't try to get attention. Yes, the situation you're in isn't comfortable. But to be honest.. If you give up like that now, then have fun in the future. Rejection won't be the only pain you would've encountered. But sure, go the way you want to go.

Go for not feeling anything at all, emotionless, immature soul. I've had enough. I'm annoyed by everything you do.

I swear, I try to see everything in the most objective way possible. Ask all of my friends. In my current state though.. I couldn't care less. Go, decide for the painless way. And don't tell me it hurts so much. Ask me. How much pain I've been through as well. Though I got up on my own two feet. In the end, getting over someone depends on yourself, no matter how much help you receive from others. It's for you to deal with it. And I managed to get up after every time. Life goes on, it doesn't wait.

You're tired of all the pain? Go ahead, you have found your way.

To be honest, the moment he came to me talking about guilt, I nearly found myself laughing out loud. There's no need to feel guilty.

So this morning, I found myself reading tons of krp-confessions, maybe around 20 to 30 pages, and I’ve noticed that many of those are concerning EXO rpers. Now, it’s nothing new that EXO roleplayers have always been a bummer to some of us, even to myself.

Anyway, that’s not what this rant should be about. I’ve joined the rp scene back in August ’12, so about a year ago and I read so many confessions about the roleplay becoming worse and worse over time, especially after EXO debuted. I can’t argue about this point since I wasn’t part of the community before this change happened. And somehow, those thousands of opinions somewhat blaming EXO rpers won’t be without any reason. There has to be something true behind it.

Now, in my position, I’m left with the feeling of actually being a bad roleplayer. I know, I shouldn’t feel that way since the confessions don’t apply to every EXO roleplayer. I don’t know how I’ll write this rant, but I hope people can understand how I feel. I will quote some of the confessions right away.

It’s amazing how even when AU, SM roleplayers always cling to each other. Especially EXO.

My Chanyeol is AU (if not OC tbqh, don't really got the difference yet.. I apologize.). Checking the relations page of him, you’ll easily figure out that except for one woman (Tiffany), all of the important people are EXO members. It does make me feel like a face chaser, maybe even like I don’t give others a chance to connect to my character. But it isn’t true. I won’t deny I’m a huge EXO fan, but that doesn’t mean I won’t give others a chance.

The recent AU roleplayers I have seen aren’t very friendly, they usually don’t even follow me back. I don’t even know why, especially the EXO ones. Maybe it’s because I’m not using the right face claim they want to speak to. 

Surprise, surprise. I don’t follow back either. But it’s not because your face isn’t the one I want to talk to. It’s because I decided to follow only those who talk with Chanyeol a bit longer, not directly falling for him right away. That’s a bummer to me as well. My character is a very friendly one, treating other individuals as good as he can combined with skinship and stuff. Sadly, I end up unfollowing most of the people I start talking to because they fall for my character after just a bit of talking. Excuse me, guys, don’t misunderstand my character’s behavior. It’s not a nice thing to do, I know, but it just annoys me. My attitude is: No matter which face you have, if my character gets along with yours, I’ll follow back. I want to keep my dash as slow as possible and want to care for the relations I have.

A small fun fact: I never really thought of the whole face chaser / EXO problem being so huge. I do know quite a few face chaser, but I either unfollowed them or avoid them.

On the other hand, I try my best to display a Park Chanyeol everyone can like (and hopefully will) since I’ve heard enough about people bitching about the EXO roleplayers. I apologize for mostly knowing and getting along with EXO roleplayers and maybe giving you the impression of you being unimportant. I try my hardest to keep conversations on going since I don’t want some of you to feel like shit, leaving you to assume “butler-chanyeol is just the same as other rpers”.

I can’t change the fact my character has better conversations with a couple of Jongins. That’s the way it is. When I started roleplaying with Tiffany (on my relations page), they clicked and got along well. I’m pushing back my bias list as much as I can, really.

I’ve heard enough of EXO roleplayers being bashed.

I don't think I can do it.. Being around someone who doesn't remember me is indeed hard. I, for myself, have suffered from amnesia before and I really don't remember what I was like.

I just don't know how to deal with it. What to do? Just going ahead to talk? To inform? To update? I've lost another one of the stars

But it's better like that. To me, it may be hard, but it's a restart for him.

I've been staring at the wall for.. an hour, maybe? I don't know. When you stare at something, lost in thoughts, you lose the sense of time.

Lately, I've been struggling. I've been feeling lonelier, more lifeless and more tired. Something is approaching from my inside and it feels as if it'll rip my ribcage apart if I don't stop it. But I neither know what it is nor know how to stop it, I have no other choice but to let it come.

My best friends aren't around anymore. I argued with Baekhyun and snapped at him every time we talked. We couldn't stand each other's presence and drifted apart. I cried. I curled up on the ground. I shivered. But now.. Now that he disappeared and left our family behind, I feel lost. I'm sleeping in Jongin's bed now.

On the other hand, Tiffany disappeared after breaking up with her boyfriend. She isn't around anymore either and let's face it: Both, me and her, have drifted apart. We don't feel like being best friends anymore. Are we still? I don't know.

And I can't deny the fact that my relationship gives me a hard time right now. Jongin's health condition became worse and his eternal struggle of shifter and human inside of him doesn't give him a second to breathe. I'm wishing for a bright smile upon both of our lips. A smile that stays longer than a few minutes. I won't give up and will stay. And it'll be difficult, no doubt. But it's for me and him.

Then I'm missing people. Fuck, I hate it when I do so. I don't want to depend on others. I'm an independent individual, so I should be able to live with and without certain people.

Something I noticed as well: I don't eat as much as I used to. I tell others I'm full when in fact I only ate as much as my stomach needs to stop grumbling. I don't feel like eating, the heat outside makes me suffer. In the past week, I woke up with an uneasy feeling in my chest accompanied by a racing heart frequency for four times.

Maybe I'm lost. It's this time again when I just don't know where to go and what to do since the guidance stars of my life disappeared. I don't know where the other constellations are if I only know the spot of one star. I need at least another one so I can fix the sky on my inner eye and find all the others.

I want to run. Madly. But on the other hand, I don't feel like it. In moments like these, I just feel sad. Plain sad.

But I won't complain. I'm still strong enough to take care of others. I can still care for Zhou Mi hyung who doesn't want to sleep alone. I can still take care of Luhan hyung who has a dark mood more frequently lately. I can still take care of Jongin who needs a smile every now and then. I can still go on. I can still make others happy and just hope for them to need me as much as I need them.