#cranqmas

Me trying to be festive while calling report to the ER.

Nothing quite says "Merry Cranqmas" like "Christmas music parody lyrics" + "Zombies" -- thank you to my unforgettable unforgetting Cranquistador confessionsofarehead for reminding me of this parody I posted on my zombie-themed sideblog last year!

Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire -- The Zombie Version

Zombies roasting as we open fire —

Jack! One’s nipping at your nose!

You’ll die, Carol, if your son can’t acquire

More folks to guard that door — Uh-oh!

A dead body groans for jerky, or some gristled toes!

Help me, zombies on the right!

Burning corpse with its head all aglow

Keeps trying hard to feast tonight.

Oh no, more zombies in my way!

They’re bloated from the boys and girlies that they slay.

Run, every mother’s child! Don’t wanna die!

I saw those zombies really gnaw through a guy!

And so, I’m ordering you, Tim and Grace:

You kids must stay, but let me through —

(All those bad undead may eat Tim or eat Grace, 

THE NIGHT BEFORE CRANQMAS, BY DR. CRANQUIS

'Twas the night before Cranqmas, and all through the Urgent Care

Not a creature was stirring: no patients were there!

We'd been very busy but now it was Q-word.

(That's "Quiet", but we don't dare announce it, ya' heard?)

The staff were slumped over, worn out, in their chairs;

While visions of leaving on time danced through the air;

And Nurse in her smock, and I in my scrubs,

Had just called the pizza place to order some grub,

When out in the waiting room there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew, lickety-split,

Just in time to see some guy throw up through it.

The emesis on the breast of the still-heaving guy

Was black and smelled like something had died.

I glanced to the parking lot to see how he got here:

Just as I thought: he'd ridden a John Deere.

He slurred out his name in an accent so thick,

I didn't quite catch it, so I nicknamed him Old Nick. 

More rapid than eagles his retches they came,

And he wheezed, and he shouted, and he called us bad names:

"Now, ****er! You *****er! I'll *** your ****!

Give me some Dilaudid, you **********!

Whaddaya mean, "Do I drink alcohol?"

I had a fifth of vodka today, maybe 2, that's all."

Now quick for an emesis basin my skillful nurse flew,

As the barf hit the floor, and Old Nicholas too.

And then in a twinkling, the emesis turned bright red --

Esophageal rupture: this dude was half dead!

As I reached for the phone and called 911,

He slumped to the floor -- (oh joy, here comes the fun).

His eyes were so jaundiced! His breathing so shallow!

His cheeks and his nose pale as a marshmallow!

He had palmar erythema and a distended belly

That shook when he retched, like a bowl full of jelly.

Classic alcoholic cirrhosis, with Hep C probably,

So I pulled on some gloves to hopefully protect me.

A feel of his pulse, which felt thin as a thread,

Soon gave me to know I had plenty to dread;

He spoke not a word, just continued to hurk,

As we placed 2 IV's and tried to make his heart work,

His blood pressure dropped as mine steadily rose,

But hark! Ambulance sirens! So glad to hear those!

The EMTs snatched him, slick as a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But then I heard him exclaim, as they drove out of sight—

There are no original Cranqmas songs -- oh no, Cranqmas is a derivative holiday which celebrates punnery and parody!

Examples:

The 12 Days of Cranqmas

Cranquis the Clinic Doctor (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)

A Nurse Got Run Over by Dr. Cranquis (Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer)

Cranquis Claus is Coming to Town

But I'm thinking, there must be many more Christmas songs yet to be tapped for their potential medical transformation into glorious Cranqmas music! Here, I'll start the list and you can add your own ideas:

Do You Hear what I Hear -- is about ear wax impaction

Silent Night -- is about sleep apnea

We Three Kings -- is about Reye's syndrome (SPANISH JOKE!)

Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire -- is about scrotal shingles

All I Want for Christmas is You -- is about borderline personality disorder

Frosty the Snowman -- is about Reynaud's syndrome

The Holly and the Ivy -- is about toxicodendron contact dermatitis

Another clever Christmas-song parody by the Cranquistador Poet Laureate Confessions-of-a-Redhead. This one gets a bit dark, but... hey, Merry Cranqmas!! 

Cranquis, The Clinic Doctor

(Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer)

You know Wife of a Doc Star and Wayfaring MD,

The Not Quite Doctor and Jay Parkinson MD

Another clever Christmas-song parody by the Cranquistador Poet Laureate Confessions-of-a-Redhead. Enjoy!

Cranquis Claus is Coming to Town

(I don’t have to tell you what carol this is!)

You better watch out

You better not cry

You better not sign in all of your kids

I’m telling you why

Cranquis Claus is coming to town

He’s making a list

Checking it thrice

He’s going to find out if you're telling lies

Cranquis Claus is coming to town

He sees you in the clinic

He knows if you’re a fake

He knows if you just want an excuse

But he'll write it anyway

So you better be smart

You better be nice

Or you will end up on his blog once or twice

Ok, so I already love the Grandma Got Run Over Christmas song. It's a holiday tradition in Casa de Cranquis to try to fool various relatives into believing that something terrible has happened to our real-life Grandma, with the punch line being this song.

But then my long-time Cranquistador Poet Laureate Confessions-of-a-Redhead (already a prolific submitter of poetry/parody for this blog) whipped together a delightful Cranqmas parody of the lyrics, riffing on this recent post about jinxes in the Urgent Care, and I fell in love with the original all over again! So please to enjoy you will!

A Nurse Got Ran Over By Dr. Cranquis

A nurse got ran over by Dr. Cranquis

When she left the UC Christmas Eve

You can say there’s no such thing as jinxes

But as for me and Cranquis, we believe

She’d been drinking too much coffee

And we begged her to shut up

But she actually said the Q word

And then she began to put her stuff up

That’s when ten patients walked inside

And they all signed in their spouse

One man even brought his grandma

Who wasn’t sick, but wanted out of the house

A nurse got ran over by Dr. Cranquis

When she left the UC Christmas Eve

You can say there’s no such thing as jinxes

But as for me and Cranquis, we believe

Now we’re all so proud of Cranquis

He stood and went right to work

He already saw four patients

And was nice even though the fifth one was a jerk

And the sixth one needed transport

Because he had some chest pain

But when Cranquis called the ambulance

The sixth patient signed himself out AMA

A nurse got ran over by Dr. Cranquis

When she left the UC Christmas Eve

You can say there’s no such thing as jinxes

But as for me and Cranquis, we believe

Then he saw the seventh patient

She said she had hurt her back

But upon examination

Dr. Cranquis knew she was a hypochondriac

That just left him three more patients

He thought he was in the clear

But they all had complications

Cranquis wondered if he would get home this year

A nurse got ran over by Dr. Cranquis

When she left the UC Christmas Eve

You can say there’s no such thing as jinxes

But as for me and Cranquis, we believe

The last three patients were transported

To the hospital by EMTs

It was five minutes until closing

And another patient came in to be seen.

That last patient was so easy

Cranquis got him out real fast

But that same nurse said the Q word

And that’s the moment when Dr. Cranquis attacked!

A nurse got ran over by Dr. Cranquis

When she left the UC Christmas Eve

You can say there’s no such thing as jinxes