i know i dont post much anymore, and ive been thinking of you a lot less in general. i have a new girlfriend now, and i think shes wonderful. but i still find myself missing you a lot sometimes. like right now. i know you dont think of me anymore, and if you do, im just a creep to you now. im sorry. i wish i could take back a lot of things that ive done, and i wish i could have done a lot of things for you that i didnt. i am trying to gather the courage to delete all of your pictures and texts and messages and videos and blogs. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not this week, maybe not this month, but someday. i have a hard time letting go of memories.

i still miss you. im sorry. i wish i could hold you like we always talked about. im aiming for a great, well-paying job, and one of my best friends is helping me get my foot in the door. im hoping to work on myself once that happens... save up a lot of money, work out and fix myself, treat myself well. work on growing a beard lol. i know you always wanted me to grow a beard. maybe someday i can make myself happy to the point where i dont need someone else, like you, to make me feel happy anymore. but who knows. maybe i will always want you. we had no closure. or at least i had no closure. and i know im not going to forget about you because of that. that’s why i had asked you for definite closure so many times. it would have hopefully put my heart at peace knowing why you left, why you didn’t want me, why you didn’t want us. maybe i could have accepted our breakup and fallout a lot sooner. but you never told me. so i just beat myself up for so long, and i still do beat myself up now and then. i blame myself for a lot of things that happened between us. i will always wish we had closure. i don’t know. i don’t know what to say. i’m just rambling, and i know you never read this blog. i guess it just gives me a small amount of happiness or hope at the thought of you reading my thoughts.

im starting to miss you more and more right now. it still baffles me how you can spend so much time with someone, be so enraptured by someone, and then completely fall out of love with them and just turn the other cheek without a second glance back. it makes my stomach ill thinking about it. i beat myself up for what a shitty person i must have been to do something to make you feel that way. im so sorry.

i dont know what else to say besides that im sorry. i wish i werent so emotional. maybe if i was some tough nibba, id be better off with myself. dunno. but i miss you. i hesitate saying i love you... but i do still think that i love you. im sure that i will always love you. you gave me the happiest years of my life, and i dont think that happiness will ever be matched easily.

had a dream that we were in discord servers together. you had a discord or were in a friend’s discord server, and i was in it, too. i saw you were playing overwatch, and you were in a voice channel with a few people. i accidentally went in it at one point and my computer lagged, so it took me a second to leave it (i think mandy was there, too, and made a comment about me joining), but i finally left. a little later, you sent me a private message saying that you were wondering if we could talk and play a game because you were bored and no one was talking in voice chat. i said yeah, and wondered if you wanted to go to a private chat in my server to just talk and catch up. you said sure, and we did, but like the channel actually wasnt private and like 8 other friends joined and talked, but we still talked while we could and played league of legends. i saw you leave at some point, probably because there were so many people, and i asked you again if you wanted to talk in private, and we finally moved to a private channel, and we just talked with each other about stuff and memes and how our lives have been, and it sounded like you missed talked with me, so i just said i missed talking with you and spending time with you. and you said you missed it, too. and we just played league for the rest of the night together.

i woke up that morning very depressed, and i felt tired and had a love-stricken stomach sickness most of the day. i wanted to get on here and type it all up in vivid detail as soon as i woke up, but i thought it would just make me more depressed and cry, so i didn’t. i miss you, though.

i’ve thought of you every single day since the day i met you. i looked it up on google, and apparently thats 2,033 days.

i’ve thought of you every day for 2,033 days.

i really, really miss you, hailey.