#cptsdposting

And I get to the end of a 30 minute video, from a professional that I have broadly found very helpful, she says something to the effect of:

"And when I find myself in survival mode, the first thing I need to do is humble myself, accept that I am in survival mode, and be open to the lesson that's in front of me: that things cannot be good all the time."

And I fucking lost it. I thought a neighbor was going to knock on my door. I just. Yelled. I got so fucking angry. It's just a fucking souffle of anger. There's layers here. It's a 7-layer dip of anger and fucking desperation and confusion.

Firstly, humble myself? You stupid bitch, I've been humbled my entire life. I have been kicked down and rolled over and ground up. There is no part of me that believes that I am so special that bad things should never happen to me. There is no part of myself that thinks I'm above any of the things happening to me. Quite the opposite - it is a daily struggle to believe I deserve a baseline of good things that I can only catch quick breaths of.

Secondly, I've accepted that I'm in "survival mode," a phrase I have heard so much that I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it, I want to shred and tear and kill. Unfortunately, it is pretty much a technical term. I know I'm in survival mode. I know that I'm fucking shut down. There's no denial of it, I can't toxic positivity my way into believing anything else is happening. I'm not in denial about what is happening to me, I'm so fucking aware of every single second that my brain and my body are frozen. I've accepted it!!!!!!!!!! I do nothing all day and then I go to bed!

Thirdly, there's no fucking lesson here. There's no reason this thing is happening, there's no reason my trauma happened, there's no reason for bad things to happen. There isn't a lesson. I'm not being taught anything, there's no goal that I reach where the suffering stops. There IS NO LESSON in this. "If only I locked in and learned what I need to learn so that I can move on and figure it out." That doesn't exist. It's not real. Is The Lesson in the room with us?

And lastly - to learn that things can't be good all the time.

I fucking. Know.

I fucking KNOW!!!!

I FUCKING KNOW I FUCKING KNOW I FUCKING KNOW I FUCKING KNOW I FUCKING KNOW THAT THINGS CAN'T BE GOOD ALL THE TIME

I JUST WANT THINGS TO BE GOOD FOR LONGER THAN HOURS OR DAYS

SO THAT WHEN THINGS ARE SHIT FOR MONTHS AND YEARS I FEEL LIKE THINGS WILL BE GOOD AGAIN BEFORE I FORGET ABOUT THEM

I JUST WANT THINGS TO BE GOOD LONG ENOUGH

I JUST WANT THINGS TO BE GOOD AGAIN BEFORE ANOTHER YEAR GOES BY

I JUST WANT THINGS TO BE GOOD AGAIN AT THE SAME RATE THEY ARE BAD AGAIN

Is the lesson here supposed to be "wring out every single ounce of hope and possibility and goodness and productivity that you can while things are good?"

Is the lesson supposed to be "you must pay triple in suffering what you receive in goodness?"

Is the lesson I'm meant to take away from all of this that I must be prepared, at any moment, to live and enjoy my life as fully as I can in brief sprints of hours, days, weeks, before months and years of "survival"??? That I should be looking out for the fucking Rumshpringa of "the good times" and that it is supposed to keep me sustained for an unforeseeable amount of time?

My therapist says no, that these lessons are in fact trauma responses. It would be cruel and unreasonable to live that way.

So what the fuck am I meant to do? What do I DO?

WHAT DO I

DO?

What is to be DONE?

What am I supposed to DO?

I don't need to be humbled, I don't need to learn a lesson, I don't need to accept what's happening to me, I don't need to learn that life has ups and downs.

What the fuck do I DO?

What VERB is going to fucking stop this?

I feel so fucking stupid, I feel like a dumb and rabid animal, I feel like the world is painted in obvious and bright colors that I don't see, I feel like everything in the world is right fucking there in front of me and I can't see it or touch it or feel it but I know it's there. And I just can't conceive of the shape of it. I can't figure it out. I'm such a stupid and sick animal and it's not my fault but I can't live this way.

We put down animals that are too mean and stupid and sick to survive.

We trap them and shoot them and poison them and we feel so bad that it strayed so far from its nature and instincts that it can't keep itself safe and alive.

How am I supposed to feel that "life has ups and downs" when the ups are so brief and so far-between and the downs should have killed me a long time ago? How am I supposed to wake up every day and say "that's okay! life can't be good all the time!"

I fucking know it can't be good all the time. I'm not above bad things happening to me, and it's not my fault, and I didn't "do" anything to deserve any of this, and I know I'm in "survival mode" and I know I have brain damage and I know I know I know I know I know, I promise I know.

I promise I promise I promise I promise I promise I know

How am I supposed to live for the good times when I have no way of knowing when that's going to be or how long it's going to last?

How am I supposed to SPEND the good times not already sad and angry and bitter about the fact that it's gonna end soon and it's not fair.

How am I supposed to NOT feel that I have to maximize every single second of those good times? I spend every single second of the bad times resenting how long it's going to be until I have energy and hope and motivation and positivity and I should have done more when things were good.

But I didn't because life is supposed to have ups and downs. I'm not supposed to run out of time. I'm not supposed to run out of chances. It's supposed to come back.

"Well no one can tell you what to do, it's different for everyone."

Well, I can't fucking figure it out. The future is not a locked room, and that just makes it worse that I can't figure out how to get there. I can't see it, I can't put my hands on it, I can't observe it, I can't ask someone to help me get there. It's all inside of me, it's all supposed to be inside of me, but I can't find it.