The end of Covert Affairs
Fifteen years ago, I discovered Fandom. Through a random search, I found smutty fanfiction for a show that had been off the air for ten years, and I was hooked. I met a bunch of fans in a cabin in the mountains of Virginia and we became best friends.
Five years ago, I was preparing to hike across Spain. One of those friends I had met in the mountains thought I was crazy, and told me so, while she was visiting for a few days. While I was at work, she watched whatever was On Demand at the time. She insisted that I should watch Covert Affairs.
I had watched a few episodes, but the Ben storyline and the lack of use of the Auggie character pissed me off, so I stopped.
"No. Really. I think you should keep watching." She encouraged.
"Meh," I replied.
After I got back from Spain, I didn't respond to an email fast enough, or something, and she stopped talking to me. I'm sure we'll reunite again someday, through some quirk of the universe. Fandom is weird like that.
Two and a half years ago, I gave this show another shot, and realized how right she was. I was hooked. I went to visit a friend in Amsterdam, and spent an embarrassing amount of time looking at fanfiction on my phone rather than the sights. I was methodically reading every CA fanfic on FF.net. I remember sitting up at night in this dutch attic bedroom, reading.
A few weeks later my friend from Amsterdam came to visit, and I was obsessed with the fact that CA was filming in his home city. He refused to make his friends go stalk the cast for me.
After the end of Season 3, I had the guts to write fanfiction again, something I hadn't done for almost ten years.
2013 was rough. Deaths, broken bones, and a tornado on top. I just didn't have the emotional energy to care about anything anymore.
While this sounds really stupid to me now, there was a moment that I remember laying in bed in the middle of the day, trying to remind myself why I even wanted to try anymore. What was left to live for? As silly as it sounds, I would think "Well, Season 4 of Covert Affairs starts in a couple of months, and we'll finally get to see Walkerson."
It was what I latched on to. I'm not saying that CA kept me from committing suicide, but I am saying that it was what I remember looking forward to when I was depressed enough to call in sick to work and go to a doctor for help.
So thank you, CA fandom, for being there when I needed you. Maybe one day, years from now, you'll be hanging out at my house and recommending a new show, starting a new era.
(Unless this sort of emotional, attachment requires all that grief and depression. If that's the case, I never want to love another show like this again.)
