#couples session

John seems to be feeling somewhat better, and Watson a great deal better.  I am still ill.  It’s frustrating.  Watson is missing out on many educational days.  

John and I did meet with Ella (our therapist) this afternoon.  John wanted to talk about his emotional availability. I feel it went well.  Ella was very impressed by the fact that John not only recognised it as an issue, but wanted to work at doing better (as well she should be, because John is a wonder).  

I felt the session went well.  It was emotional at times, but not in a truly painful way.  I am to make John aware of when I feel him being emotionally distant, and gently let him know.  I will do my best to hold up my end of the bargain.

She also asked me how I was doing in regards to my brother’s death.  I told her that I don’t know.  It was the truth.  Some days I miss him very much, other days I forget he is gone entirely, and then suddenly I realise, and it feels like a shock all over again.  

She said that it appears that John and I are supporting one another very well, and that she is open to talk about my brother whenever I feel I would like to.  It was a relief to not be pressured.  I don’t want to talk to her about it at the moment.

Ada was very naughty today.  John went to the shops this morning, and he bought a box of Cheerios for Watson.  He forgot to put them up, as he got distracted in the process,and left them on the floor beside the pantry.  Ada tore into the box and ate nearly half the box.  We heard her crunching from the lounge, and when we ran in, John shouted for her to get away, but she just started chewing faster.  

it was funny, but we did have to discipline her.  She got a firm talking to, and was sent out to the garden, which was probably for the best, because she ate too much, and now she is ill and has diarrhoea.  So many grains do not play nice with puppy stomachs.  She will be fine my tomorrow, but perhaps she will think twice about indulging in breakfast cereals in the future.

My leg is feeling a bit better.  Talking about it helped, I think.  

Ella asked me if it gets better when people I love need or want my help, and if it gets worse if I feel like I’m being pushed away and denied the right to help.  I had to think about it, but I think it does.

Like when I got hurt in the army, found out I wouldn’t be able to be a surgeon anymore because my hand shook too much, and then I got home, and I couldn’t do anything, felt useless.  Tried to reach out to someone I knew who’d also been shipped home, because I knew he’d had a hard time out there, but he didn’t want me either.  Wouldn’t return my calls, stopped even responding to emails.  Felt like he just wanted me to go away and leave him be.  So I did, of course I did, but it still hurt, still felt like I wasn’t needed, wasn’t–wanted, I guess.  And that’s when my leg started getting worse.

It was around that time that I met Sherlock, and suddenly he did seem to need me.  Everything I knew about being a doctor, being a soldier, it was suddenly of use again.  It was needed.  And all that pain just went away for awhile, for a long time, really.

And it’s come and gone since, over the years, but always linked to that sort of thing.  Got so bad for awhile when Sherlock was ‘dead’ that I could hardly get out of bed, and that makes sense, because I thought I’d failed him in the worst way you can fail a person, that he’d felt his only recourse was to end things, because I hadn’t been enough.  

Think it got bad the last couple of days, just because of that dream I had, remembering what started it all, and talking to Sherlock about it.  But, he’s been needing me a lot the last month, and that feels really good, like he wants me here, like he appreciates the stuff I do for him.  And he’s been rubbing my leg out for me the last few nights, too, and he does a good job of that.  For someone who was so averse to physical touch for so long, he does have a way with his hands.

So anyway, Ella basically said that I should keep trying to be aware of what triggers the pain when it happens, and what helps it, and to be aware how it is also linked to my depression, but that it’s a huge first step, me just realising that there is a link.  She said it’s real progress.  

She also said that despite our recent loss, she can tell that Sherlock and I are handling it better than we used to a year ago.  Our communication is better.  The way we handle conflict and support one another is improving.  We draw close and support one another, rather than isolating ourselves and pushing the other one away.  That felt bloody good to hear, because we have both been working so hard on that, you know.

So good–yeah, it’s good.  I guess we just keep working at it.  It’s a process, and it’s one you’re always working at, but what I know now is that it’s worth it to try, that I don’t have to be perfect to be needed and loved, and that I’m not always destined to hurt and disappoint the people I love.  I can be good for them, which is something.  

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An Exciting Engagement Session Odyssey Along The Canal