#cosmicstardust

[pause, background sounds]

Hm? Who?

Oh. Yeah, those are mercenaries… And yes, they are looking at you. Maybe we’ll get lucky and they’re just admiring the jacket? Best give it to me for safe keeping…

[Stardust swats at Cosmic]

Ouch. Okay, okay, hang onto it. I’m starting to think you want the jacket just to ensure that I’ll save you.

Yes, save you.

I’m sorry, have you somehow forgotten the count?

The score is six to zero.

Excuse you! Yes, it is! The first time was when I saved you from that pirate kidnapping, then there was that mercenary kidnapping you walked right into, then the time you tried to throw your own dumb ass into the escape pod, that second pirate incident on Echo, and then last week it was skin traders…

Hmm? Yes, that’s five, but I add one just for me not tossing you out the airlock every time you touch the controls on my ship.

[laughs] No, you have not saved my life.

Nope.

From your cousins? No. If you hadn’t stolen my ship, I would have turned you over and collected my bounty. Technically, you endangered my life, not saved it.

I’m not saying I wish I had! I’m saying that’s how it would have gone. Which means you did not save me from shit.

Oh great, the mercs are coming over…

Stardust, how exactly do you manage to get us into trouble every time we dock?

No, last time was not my fault.

Just because I handled the problem, doesn’t mean I started it. You’re the one that punched that skin trader.

Of course, they deserved it! But you have a particular skill for getting us into gun fights.

At this rate we’re going to be banned from every station in the sector.

[laughs] Yes, that would be bad.

Oh, you’ll agree with me the next time you want to restock those caramel coffee drinks you like.

No, that situation on Echo was on you too. You’re the one that picked the fight with those pirates. They didn’t even recognize you from the bounty.

Yes, I understand your grudge against pirates, Stardust… but it’s been a month since they stole your ship and tried to ransom you.

[smiling] Maybe you should let it go? I mean, those pirates are dead…

[laughs] Yeah, you’re right, so are the ones on that station now. You’d have a pretty good reputation going if you actually did any of the work yourself… So far, you’re just making me look good. Not only do I keep winning very public fights, but it looks like I’m defending a damsel.

Yes, you are definitely the damsel.

Don’t get mad at me! You’re the one starting shit you can’t finish.

[crashing sound as the mercenaries step up to them]

[harder voice when talking to the mercs] Do you mind? We’re talking.

[gun clicking/whirring]

Really? You’re pointing that at me?

[smirking, voice softer/playful when talking to Stardust] Okay, Stardust, handle your own mess.

Yeah, you heard me. They came over here for you. Time to shine.

[harder voice for mercs] Hey, I get it, you’ve come to collect the high born. Give us a minute.

[soft voice to Stardust, patient and amused] I’m totally serious. This is on you.

I can’t save you every time, Stardust.

Okay, fair point, you’re not armed.

Here.

[hard voice to the mercs] Yes, I’m handing over my weapon. That’s what you want, right? Now you’ll get my bounty and my gun.

[Stardust talking]

[amused with Stardust] No, it’s not a gift, you shit. I’m just letting you borrow it.

This is not like the jacket! We are not sharing.

We’re not even sharing the jacket. We just haven’t decided who it belongs to.

In fact, you should let me hold it, so you don’t get any holes in it…

What? The hell you are! You’re not getting buried in our jacket!

No one gets buried outside the prime anyway. That’s gross.

Stop it. You’re not getting cremated in it either. It’s mine and, let’s just be real fucking clear, if you kick the bucket out here, I’m taking all of your shit. All of it. Even those nasty caramel coffees. You owe me a fortune at this point, the least you can do is give me the jacket!

[gun shots, bodies thumping to the floor]

[distant screams in the now fleeing crowd]

Huh. I’ll admit, I didn’t realize you could shoot that well.

[laughs] I guess neither did they.

No, I didn’t forget what family you come from… I guess I just assumed you’d learned to kick up a mess and then let your guards handle it.

Hm… You’re right. You never said you had any guards.

What? No, that’s only half a save. I was helping by being distracting. The score is now six to zero point five.

I’m not just going to hand you the points.

[holster sound]

[pleasantly surprised, having flustered feelings] Well, I can’t say I hate the way you put that gun back in my holster…

Grab that box of coffee drinks and let’s get out of here before whatever crime syndicate playing law in this station shows up. …Nice shots, Stardust.

Hm? Practice? Like, you want me to find you a holster and—

Oh.

You want to pull my gun from my holster?

I’ll admit… I love the aesthetic… And it would be a way to surprise an enemy…

Okay. We can practice it on the ship. But you have to let me wear the jacket.

[groans] Yes, I understand you’re just going to try to steal it back…

[laughs] No, I do not want you to mix me another fucking drink!

 PART 8

 [ship flying through space sounds]

[swoosh door when Cosmic walks onto the bridge]

Out of my chair, Stardust.

Yeah, again. Why do you always do that? There’s a co-pilot seat right there!

No, sitting there does not mean I’ll turn on the co-pilot controls.

Just, stop touching the controls!

Well, I guess if something happens to me then you’re out of luck.

No, I am not giving you the codes to access the ship in an emergency.

Because you stole the ship. Once you steal the ship, you no longer get to drive it. Those are the rules, Stardust.

Hm?

No one wrote the rules. Everyone just knows them.

You can ask around next time we stop someplace.

Oh. No, you’re right. We don’t need to stop anywhere else before we reach the nebula. We’re only a couple days away and then it can’t be more than a week or two depending on where the loot is.

Give me another look at the map?

[rustling as Stardust turns and lifts their shirt]

Yeah. We’re still on course. It’s definitely getting closer. We’ll see when we get there, I guess.

[pause, spaceship sounds]

Have you thought about what you’re going to do after?

After we get the loot. After you get whatever blackmail material your parents had on your grandma. After.

[pause, listening]

[laughs] Destroy it? You’re joking, right?

Stardust… You could do just about anything with something like that. If your parents were able to make your grandma leave them alone…

I guess you’re right, your cousins wouldn’t just let you walk away with it.

But they might not believe that you got rid of it just because you say so.

[laughs] You would do something like that… I’m not sure they’ll take watching you burn the blackmail material well...

[sighs] As long as you don’t burn the treasure too.

Oh no, I don’t want any cut of the blackmail. That mess is all yours, Stardust.

[on second thought] But maybe consider holding onto it? I mean, your grandma probably thinks your parents handed it down to you. You said yourself, you’ve never had to partake in any family business, and I wasn’t exaggerating when I said your bloodline doesn’t come out here. They don’t usually go anywhere that isn’t on family business. I’ve never heard of any of them getting away…

I didn’t say I was worried about you…

I’m not.

I’m just…trying to give you the benefit of my incredible bank of knowledge.

[longer pause while Stardust talks]

What?

Why would you want to stay on my ship after we get the loot?

No, I just… I mean…

[pause again while Stardust talks]

So, just until you can get a ship of your own? Yeah, yeah, that makes sense… I mean, obviously I wasn’t going to just dump you out in Cepheus with a crate of treasure.

What are you thinking of doing when you get your own ship?

[laughs] A gun for hire? You? Are you joking?

Well, to start with, you don’t actually have a gun. You use mine.

Okay, even if you buy yourself some guns to go with your new ship… How do I say this nicely, Stardust…

No, no, I wasn’t going to say that you’re not tough enough.

You are.

You just don’t have a great instinct for survival… or any instinct for survival.

You’re a magnet for trouble.

Capitol T—Trouble.

We’ve covered this and you’ve proven it every day since I’ve met you.

I feel closer to death with you on my ship than I have ever felt in my life, and I’ve been blown up before.

Oh yeah, almost died. I had to crawl my way back onto the ship and then autopilot to a medical station. I laid right here on the floor thinking my ride was over and that still wasn’t as nerve-wracking as life with you.

I’m not being dramatic!

Why am I smiling, then?

[pauses, thinking, still smiling at Stardust when he answers]

…Because I like it.

Don’t let your ego go crazy, Stardust. I like the rush. No one does what I do if they like to be safe.

[space sounds]

Hmm? Practice what?

[laughs] The gun thing? Again?

[sighs and gets up] I think you’re just trying to get the chair, but okay…

Yeah, it’s easier if you’re behind me or on my side.

[holster sounds, Cosmic inhaling]

[a little strained, distracted] Yep. Smooth.

From the front with your back to them? Like…pull it fast and turn, or…

Quietly without them noticing and then aim behind yourself? [smiling] Without looking?

That doesn’t seem practical…

[laughs] If I wear sunglasses? You’re getting ridiculous.

Yes, sunglasses are ridiculous!

No, I am not going to wear them just in case you get the chance to do some stupid trick shot.

No.

You know, I bet I could do it without a reflective surface…

Yeah, blind shot.

[gasp] Are you calling me a liar? Stardust!

Oh, there’s that foul mouth. I’m surprised the pirates didn’t just mistake you for one of their own.

You know, if we dressed you up…

[laughs] Are you joking? I can definitely shoot better than you.

I didn’t say you were bad. I’m just saying that I’m better.

Okay. Let’s stop at the next terraformed planet and try it out…

[computer sounds] There’s a moon with a settlement less than a day away.

Hm? [loses steam] Yeah, I guess it is in the wrong direction.

[pause, Stardust agreeing]

[smiling] Yeah?

[computer] Course adjusted.

Right? Trying out the shots is the smart thing to do. It’ll add a couple days but I’m pretty sure I can survive that…

[Stardust swatting Cosmic, laughing] Ouch! No fighting until we get to the moon. Oh! We could duel!

What? No, not with live ammo, you psycho. We’ll use paint.

Hey! Get out of my seat, you thief!

Oh really? Room for two? There’s really not…

[smirking] Stardust… Are you trying to flirt with me?

Are you blushing?

[laughing] Gunslinger extraordinaire, fumbling ship thief, puncher of skin traders, aristo-runaway Stardust is blushing and speechless?

[Cosmic flirting] I guess we could try sharing the chair… Do you want to sit on my lap, Stardust? Is that what you’re getting at?

[laughs] Fuck you seems like a big jump from sharing a chair but if that’s what you want… Oh, don’t stomp away!

[door swoosh open]

Come back!

[door swoosh shut]

 PART 9

 [wind background, walking back to the ship]

I told you that trick shot idea was stupid!

No, you did not get it to work eventually. You just sprayed a ton of bullets and managed to hit the target with one.

I did so much better than you! I at least nicked the target every time.

Just admit you can’t do it, Stardust.

Okay, okay, I will admit you won more duels if you admit you can’t do that backwards shot.

[laughs] I’m not wearing sunglasses to help you!

No. Even if we weren’t out of paint cartridges, we are definitely out of time.

Trust me, you want to be out of here before the sun sets. This moon gets icy at night.

And really, at this point, I’m not sure if we could tell new paint shots from the old. You are covered. Although, I don’t hate that shade of green in your hair…

What? My hair? Oh shit… Did you have to use so much neon orange?

At least neither of us wore the jacket… We’d look like pirates in it if it was covered in all this shit.

[walking]

[breath catching, voice low] Fuck.

Yeah, I see it… Just keep walking toward the ship.

There’s another one to the left.

Probably bounty hunters… If we can get to the ship…

[under his breath] Shit. Shit. Shit.

Okay, so that makes four. They must have been waiting for us to come back…

[lighter] I don’t suppose you have any live ammo left on you?

Keep walking. Straight toward the merc in our way. When we reach him, you make a run for the ship. Don’t look back. Don’t stop. Just run for the ship and get inside.

[scoffs, voice still in a whisper] Oh, bullshit, I know you know the code to the door. Why are you arguing? Run. They won’t shoot you if they’re after that bounty.

[gun whirring, aiming at them]

[through gritted teeth] Stardust…what the fuck are you doing? Move!

That doesn’t mean they won’t shoot you on accident if you act like a human shield.

This isn’t a fucking game. Run.

So, what if they shoot at me? Run for the ship and the guns.

What? No—

[action sounds! Stardust rushing the mercenary, gunshots from different directions, struggling over the gun]

Stardust!

[Stardust getting punched, sounds distorting]

Get the fuck off them!

[Cosmic punching the mercenary, gun sounds, shots fired]

[wind, heavy breathing, pained]

[Cosmic scrambling to Stardust]

[softer] Stardust? Are you okay?

[patting them down, barely restrained panic] Did…Did you get shot? Stupid fucking paint… I can’t…

[relieved] Okay. You’re okay.

[pissed] What were you thinking? Why would you rush him like that?

Better chances? Are you cracked? You could have made a run for it!

What? Yes, I got shot. It’s a flesh wound. But you shouldn’t care!

[getting really angry] I thought you wanted to be a bounty hunter, Stardust?

A gun for hire doesn’t use themself as a fucking human shield! Don’t you ever do that again!

Partners?

No! We are not partners. You are my bounty, and we are going to get that treasure and then split. We are not friends or…or anything else. Don’t get confused just because I save your ass. You are just a payday and that is why I keep you alive!

I will drop you the second I get my share of this, Stardust!

Stop fussing over it! I’ve had worse and it’s none of you damn business!

No, I’m not mad because I was scared. I don’t get scared, and you don’t fucking know me.

[heavy breathing, blood loss]

[losing steam/focus for anger] Fuck you, I am not going to faint.

I’m not the one who… Oh shit…

[thump]

[wind]

[Stardust dragging Cosmic]

[keypad sounds as Stardust puts the code in]

[slow whoosh of the ship door opening]

[dragging him onboard]

ALAN is the first one to die, simply because he has to investigate what’s going on. He can’t ignore it or go get help; he goes right into the thick of things with little preparation, by himself… and pays dearly for it.

ERIC is the red herring, because he’s a little suspicious, isn’t he? Everyone thinks he’s the killer or helping the killer… turns out he was trying to investigate things. Of course, as luck would have it, he ends up just as dead as the rest of the cast.

GRELL is the cheerleader stereotype, too busy flirting and/or fucking everyone in sight to worry about the killer. Predictably, although they do put up a fight, they get killed shortly after doing the horizontal tango. What a waste!

OTHELLO is the nerd, the smart one who pieces things together and figures out who the killer is! It’s just… quite the pity he does so a little too late. Before he can warn anyone else, he’s picked off, and the final chase probably involves stumbling across his body.

RONALD is the jock, sort of like the other half to Grell’s cheerleader. He’s also preoccupied with flirting and impressing people, though he may last just a bit longer for the simple fact that he keeps striking out. When he finally does get laid, stab goes the knife.

RUDGER is the skeptic, despite seeing all the evidence. He thinks there must be some other reason for the ‘disappearances’, maybe thinking it’s a prank, and thinks the killer is just a legend. Of course, by the time he believes, it doesn’t help him a bit.

SASCHA is the one who believes the legends and, in a camp setting, tries violently to protect the children under their care when the killer comes a-knocking. They don’t realize the killer isn’t after the kids, though. They still wind up dead, but not before being able to get out a warning…

UNDERTAKER is the villain, naturally, the big, scary baddie everyone else is running from. His past is sympathetic and he may not be entirely unreasonable in his thinking; it’s how he executes things that are chilling. There’s method in his madness, alright. However, there is also madness in his methods.

WILLIAM is the final girl guy, surviving until the very end thanks to his intelligence and, unfortunately, his companions’ sacrifices. Though he may have spent some of his time on the sidelines, now he’s ready to destroy the monster who’s been terrorizing them all. Despite the scars he’s left with, at least he took the villain down with him.

[smiling] Really? Well, good for them. But I should take a few thousand off for that busted lip.

Oh, I don’t get to negotiate? I’m just the idiot sent out to the edge of fucking space, where there’s nothing but asshole pirates like you, to handle the trade off, right? Because you really think families like theirs send polite errand boys to deal with shit like this? My ship is nice, but do you really think I just zipped that thing across the quad in a handful of days? I swear, every year you pirates get dumber. It’s not your fault. You never live long enough to learn anything. Do you want some advice? I know you won’t take it, because you won’t have time, but one of the many rules of crime in space is, Know who you mess with.

You have no idea who you kidnapped, do you?

[gun shots]

[ears ringing]

Woah! Woah. Hang on. Don’t run.

[laughs]

We’re in the middle of nowhere. The nearest settlement is run by criminals and you’re still in handcuffs. Your family hired me to get you back and that’s what I’ll do, okay? I’ll get you home.

Promise? Yeah. Yeah, I promise, Stardust.

Let’s get back to my ship, we’ll get out of here and I’ll patch you up. You look like you might faint…

I’m not making fun of you.

Are you sure you can walk to the ship? Do you want a piggyback?

[surprised laughter]

I’m going to write that dirty mouth off on the concussion, Stardust… Although having you swear at me while lisping on that busted lip is pretty damn cute.

[walking]

Did you really shoot one of them when they snatched you?

Well, yeah, I did shoot two of them. I’m not saying you were wrong to do it. I’m impressed.

I bet those pirates were real fucking surprised when they cut open the hatch on that shiny jet of yours and found you pointing a gun at them.

Your jet? Oh, no, they pulled that thing apart and sold it for parts by the next day. I did get my hands on the logs though. Looked like you gave them a hell of a run before they blew your engine out.

[Stardust stops walking, falling behind, sound fading]

What were you doing in that sector, anyway? Not really the posh neighborhood…

Stardust? You okay? What are—of shit.

[rushes to catch listener when they faint]

[losing sound]

[coming to on the ship]

Stardust? [gentle. relieved] There you are.

[ship sounds]

No, don’t freak out again. We’re on my ship, we’re off world and headed out of the area. You’re safe.

You fainted.

Um, yes, you did.

Okay, you can keep saying you didn’t, but you did.

I had to carry you. I think I’d know if you were unconscious or not.

You are the most ungrateful kidnap victim I’ve ever dealt with.

What?

How many? Really?

Well, I mean… Are we counting the ones I personally kidnapped or just the ones I retrieved on behalf of rich criminals like your grandmother?

[laughs] Fuck me? Like you didn’t know who bankrolled the chrome you were flying? You might be on a lesser-known branch of that particular family tree, Stardust, but blood is blood.

[pause. sighs]

Let me see those cuffs.

[tinkering with the cuffs]

What?

Yes, of course I can get these off of you.

You just have to pop this panel and then hold the reset button. It’s really easy as long as you’re not the one in them.

[taking the cuffs off and dropping them]

Your wrists are bruised but they look okay. Does that hurt?

Hm. Okay. Take your clothes off.

Woah! No kicking!

I’m not a fucking creep, I’m just going to make sure you’re not dying, patch you up, and then give you something clean to wear. You can lock yourself in the storage room after that if you want. Spend the next two weeks snuggled up with my stockpile of meal bars until you’re back safe and sound.

If you die because of internal bleeding or some stupid infection, they’re going to blame me for it.

[laughs darkly] Thanks, Stardust. I appreciate how much you care about my safety.

Take off your shirt. It’s literally crusted with blood and…is that puke?

Classy.

You’ve got nothing I haven’t seen before.

Do I want to bet? Are you serious?

[laughs] Oh shit, are you really concussed? I should have scanned your brain before you woke up…

[groans] Just take your fucking clothes off, Stardust. I promise I won’t maul you.

Pinky—Are you serious?

You are the weirdest kidnappee I have ever dealt with…

Okay, pinky promise.

Yes, if I break the promise you get to break my nose, I understand the term of agreement.

[pinky promise]

Idiot…

[takes off clothes]

[stunned and staring]

Oh. That is one hell of a tattoo… Okay, I admit I wasn’t expecting that. What is that?

Okay. Okay. Sorry.

Shit, that’s a nasty burn.

[fiddling with supplies]

The antibiotic gel will numb it. It should heal pretty quick but I’ll wrap it.

[working]

Shh. It’s okay. You were tough enough to get that tattoo, you can handle this.

[laughs]

Yeah. Okay. Getting a tattoo isn’t really the same as being in the trunk of a shitty pirate ship for the better part of a week…

What do you mean you weren’t sure if I was really hired by your family?

You thought I was just stealing their mark to ransom you myself?

I’ll admit I’ve done that before, but you’ve got one of those bloodlines that shouldn’t be fucked with, Stardust. Your family doesn’t pay ransoms, everyone in the business knows it. That doesn’t mean they don’t send assholes like me to get you back though.

Trust me, what they paid me to put those half-assed pirates down was more than I’d get on any other ransom.

Is that the bandage too tight?

No? Okay.

The rest just looks like bruising. No broken bones.

You know, I heard a rumor once that some of you high borns had titanium plating on your bones.

I can’t tell if you’re joking.

[laughs]

Fine. Keep your rich kid secrets.

Fair enough though.

If everyone knew you had titanium bones for sure, they’d probably have scrapped you for parts like your jet.

Let me get that lip cleaned up.

Hold still.

Yeah, of course it fucking hurts. Not that that’s kept you from talking…

What?

You don’t need to know my name.

You don’t need to call me anything.

I don’t care.

Okay, no, don’t call me that.

Cosmic? What kind of name is Cosmic?

[dry] Oh, funny. Fine. Better that than Captain Creep.

Now seriously, hold still. Your lip is bleeding all over the place.

[cleaning lip. sounds distorting]

Stardust? Are you about to faint again?

No? Really? It’s either that or you’re swooning hard and about to kiss me…

[voice growing distant]

My face is like two inches away from yours. I’m literally watching your eyes lose focus.

Go ahead and faint. I’m going to scan your brain when you’re out this time…

PART TWO:

Look at you all cleaned up.

[laughs]

Beggars can’t be choosers, Stardust. Your wardrobe was lost along with your jet and we’re not making any shopping pit stops. You can survive a couple weeks in my clothes.

Yes, I had to watch you shower, Stardust. You fainted twice. If you drown in my shower your family would gut me. They might even stream it live to send a message to everyone else thinking of playing reckless with their bloodline.

What? Yeah you can take a look around if you want…

There are two cockpits, yeah, but it flies fine with one pilot. Most of the systems are automated anyway.

No, I did not steal it! What do you take me for?

A—Okay. I have thieved but that doesn’t make me exclusively a thief. You’re going to tell me you’ve never stolen anything?

Yeah. That’s what I thought.

I’ll have you know, I am mostly on the right side of the law these days. Shooting pirates to rescue someone in danger isn’t a crime.

In fact, shooting pirates period isn’t a crime.

A privateer?

[laughs]

I wouldn’t go that far.

When’s the last time they fed you?

Seriously? Fucking amateurs…

Here.

[tosses meal pack to listener]

It’s peach boba packed with all the nutrients, vitamins, and mood stabilizers you can possibly need.

Don’t drink it too fast. You might get sick.

Yes, I’m worried about my shirt. I’m going to want that back, you know?

[listener slurping]

So, about that tattoo you have…

[stops slurping]

There are only a few places that do moving ink like that. I’ve seen a few, usually blooming flowers or winking moons but that one you have… That had to have cost a fortune.

You don’t know?

I guess you wouldn’t have looked at the tab… Just charge it to the family line?

How long did you have to sit for it?

How can you not remember?

When did you get it done?

What do you mean a long time ago? How long ago could you have gotten it that you don’t even remember?

A kid? What kind of kid gets a tattoo like that? That’s a moving constellation on your skin. It looked like Cepheus and that nebula… 7354?

Of course, I recognized it.

Have you been?

What do you mean, been where? 7354, obviously. Why would you get that one? There’s nothing out there but failed settlements.

[groans. annoyed]

Fine. The most interesting thing about you but you don’t want to talk about it.

[Stardust slurps drink. Finishing it.]

Hm? Yeah, I’ve done some work for your family before. Just errands like this though. I’m not contracted, if that’s what you’re asking.

We’re meeting one of your cousins at a station a couple weeks from here. I let them know you’re safe and sound and on your way.

No, I don’t get paid until you’re back where you belong.

Why? Are you worried about us running out of energy or were you hoping I’d stop to buy you clothes up to your standard?

I think you look good in the t-shirt and sweatpants.

Yeah, they don’t fit quite right, but that’s part of the charm.

Might as well make peace with it, Stardust. We’re not stopping. If anyone gets wind that I have you on my ship, we’ll be running for our lives the whole way to your cousin.

What does that mean?

Nothing? No, you said I didn’t know the half of it. What does that mean?

Really? Now you’re quiet?

I can’t decide if you’re my favorite or least favorite kidnappee…

Your competition?

Well, I rescued this heiress and her entourage from a shipwreck on the edge and the whole ride back was a non-stop party. It took me weeks to air it out the ship afterward, but it was definitely worth it.

And then there was this time I kidnapped someone from their original kidnappers. They were so grateful that they doubled the ransom I was trying to get and kept throwing themself at me. It was two days of flattery and then the biggest pay day of my life.

Stardust…

Why are you standing closer?

Do I want you to be more grateful? I would have said yes a minute ago but now you’re making me nervous…

Hm… That’s your hand on my chest…

No, I’m not complaining. I’m just a little confused about this sudden change in, well, your personality.

I can’t tell if you’re crazy or concussed again… I’m sensing a theme in our relationship.

[breath hitching. close]

Stardust, what are you doing?

I never kissed your lip better?

Honestly, I didn’t realize that was an option since you were accusing me of being a creep at the time.

[not buying it but definitely enjoying this]

[whispering. so close]

You want me to kiss it now?

I don’t think I believe you…

[pause]

[Stardust pushes away]

[Cosmic laughs]

Oh, I missed my chance? I’ll just have to live with that.

What are you—

[serious]

When the fuck did you get my gun?

Are you serious?

Oh, yeah, I believe you’ll use it.

Okay. I’m moving. Hands up and everything. You’re the boss, Stardust.

Look who’s the thief now…

What’s your plan? We’re on a ship cutting through space. Where do you think you’re—

Not going back? Why not?

Yes, I’m still moving.

Let’s talk about this before you get me killed… I’m sure we can work this out.

What?

Okay. Pick up the… Are you serious?

You want me to pick up the stun gun? That doesn’t seem like a fair duel…

[upset]

You want me to stun myself? Are you fucking cracked?

No.

No. Abso-fucking-lutely not!

[gunshot]

Fuck! Stop that! Do you want to kill us both?

What do you mean we’re both dead anyway? Calm down and explain—

[gunshot]

Okay! Okay! Fine!

[drags a few breaths]

I’m going to make you pay for this, Stardust…

[Cosmic tases himself]

PART THREE:

[Cosmic waking up]

What…Oh shit.

[struggling]

Did you…Did you duct tape me?

[struggling]

Stardust, this is like an entire roll of tape. You couldn’t just cuff me or—

You’re really making me regret showing you how to get out of those cuffs. Really, I regret ever taking them off of you. I should have sedated you and strapped you to a damn cot until we—

What? No, I’m not telling you where the sedatives are.

Did…Stardust, did you put the burn gel on my taser burn?

[sighs]

No offense, but you clearly have no idea what you’re doing. What’s your plan? Where are we going?

[laughs]

Away where?

Is this a rich kid running away from home situation?

If you wanted attention, you already got it.

Don’t scowl at me like that, I’m the one taped to the fucking seat here. I saved you from pirates—

Okay, yes, I did it for a paycheck but I still did it!

How about you let me take you to the drop off, collect my bounty, and then you can steal a ship from one of your cousins. Hell, you can blow up your cousins for all I care, just leave me out of it.

Hm. This is your first time kidnapping someone, isn’t it?

[dry laugh]

No, I am not honored to be your first.

Saving my life? I’m sorry, but that’s not coming across. Did the pirates scramble your brain? Is this a Stockholm thing?

Oh, there’s that classy mouth again…

Wait…Where are you going?

Don’t go back there. Stay out of my stuff!

[struggling]

Fucking…duct tape!

[deep breath. Collecting himself]

Ship.

[no response]

Ship, initiate audio commands. Code seven five nine delta three.

[no response]

[groans]

[Stardust returning to the deck]

You disabled my codes? Yeah… No, you’re right, I really should have had audio enabled before you stole my ship from me. Live and learn, you know, assuming you don’t crash the ship and kill us both.

[laughs]

Saving me?

This is you saving me?

Fuck, Stardust, I’d hate to be on your bad side.

[ship] Docking protocols initiated.

What? Where are we docking? Stardust, there’s nothing out here but a couple of sketchy stations and criminal outposts. And just to be really damn clear, I don’t mean your family’s style of criminal element. This isn’t the luxury casinos and planetary resorts side of the galaxy.

Wait. Wait, wait. You can’t go on that station alone. Well, for one, you look like an escaped prisoner. Someone will probably scoop you up, thinking no one will miss you, and sell your ass to a skin ship.

I’m not being gross, Stardust, I’m being real!

Oh, you think my gun will be enough to keep you safe?

You spoiled fucking shit! You’re going to get yourself killed and you know what, that’s fine! But you can’t leave me stuck to this damn chair. I’ll either starve to death here or, worse, someone much more competent than you will steal my ship and then it’ll be my sexy ass on a skin ship!

I don’t know you any better than the pirates? Star—

[doors closing]

Fuck!

Ship.

Ship, I know you can hear me.

Ship, override command, return control, code… Oh shit. What was that code…

[time lapse]

[doors]

[weary]

Stardust?

[relieved]

I spent the last two hours contemplating my mortality and just how quickly life can go to shit…

Oh, look at you. I wasn’t expecting this much leather. Okay, I’m willing to admit that you might look better in that outfit than you did in my clothes…

What size is that jacket?

Wait…How did you buy all of that?

There’s no way you had time to barter my stuff for that… Did you get into my account somehow or…

Oh, Stardust. Tell me you didn’t use your own accounts.

Not the family account? You think they don’t have tabs on your private one?

You really didn’t put much thought into running away, did you? Just figured that since you were already this far away, might as well keep going? Or did you like being in cuffs?

You know, if that’s the case, I can cuff you again.

In fact, I promise that I will.

[ship] Incoming call. L-Class Yacht.

[laughs]

That’ll be one of your relations. At least they’ll be able to tell from your shopping spree that I wasn’t taking advantage… Although I am definitely going to try on that jacket when I get loose.

Oh, I’m getting loose. See, you don’t know this yet because you have no fucking idea what you’re doing, but no one stays kidnapped forever. I mean, just look at yourself! By all rights, you should still be in a pirate’s storage compartment, but here you are, getting comfy in my seat, touching my controls, flying my damn ship.

[ship] Incoming call. L-Class Yacht.

Are you going to get that?

[ship] Call declined.

Are you out of your mind?

Scared? Yes. Yes, I am scared of what your nightmare family might do if they think I fucked up this job. Have you met your grandmother? I haven’t and would like to keep it that way. Why do you think even pirates won’t go into the prime quad? Because your family is there and they’re too snobby to step foot past their territory lines. So, assholes like me bring damsels like you back!

No. No, that does not mean that if you stay out of the prime they won’t get to you.

[ship] Detached from dock. Resuming course.

You’re not listening.

If they think I double-crossed them, or just botched this job, they will put a bounty on my head and hire someone else to drag you back. There’s no getting out of this.

And didn’t you want to go home?

You made me promise.

Prime isn’t home? Since when?

[silence]

Fine. Fine. But when I starve to death in my own ship, that’s on you, Stardust. You’ll be a murderer as well as a thief!

[laughs]

Fuck you. We’re not the same!

[sighs]

[pause]

Seriously, Stardust… Do you have any idea how humiliating this is?

I can’t get kidnapped by my own kidnappee. This will wreck my reputation.

Oh, you don’t give a shit about that? I’m really starting to regret patching you up.

Is that why you ran?

[eyeroll]

Oh, you didn’t run? Like how you didn’t faint?

[Cosmic takes a breath and then tries again.]

Okay, just tell me what you’re doing and maybe I can help. Was your family after you before the pirates tried to ransom you?

Damn. You do have bad luck, Stardust…

So why are they after you? Did you steal something?

…You…You stole yourself?

What does that mean?

Wait! Wait! Come on, we can figure this out. You don’t want to go home? Fine. I’ll drop you someplace else. Cut me loose and I’ll forget about the whole stealing my ship thing. Promise.

Yeah, I mean, if I wasn’t taped to this chair, I could even make it a pinky promise.

[groans]

Come on, Stardust! You don’t have a plan! You’re going to get us both killed.

Oh, you do have a plan? Fantastic! What is it? I’m all ears.

[long pause while listening]

[shocked] You… No. That’s not a plan. That’s like jumping out of a ship without a helmet and calling it a plan, Stardust.

Going to another station to meet… Oh. [sarcastic] Oh! You’re going to hire some mercenaries to take you where you want to go and then you’ll cut me loose. Well, thank you, but that’s not going to work.

Logistics aside, you don’t stand a chance.

There is a bounty out for your return. You think I’m the only one that got wind of it? Why do you think I was hauling ass to get you home? Every hunter on this side of the galaxy is going to be looking for you.

Stardust… Have you ever heard about Baron? He was some high born primer like you that roamed too far from home and got kidnapped. It was a while back… but things didn’t go smoothly. Hunters started killing each other to be the one collecting that bounty.

If anyone realizes who you are, things are going to get ugly. Shit, Stardust, even if they don’t realize who you are, they’re going to double-cross you. You’ll get yourself killed.

What?

[laughs]

You want to know why I took the job if it was so dangerous?

[smug]

Because I’m the best. Because it’s a huge payday and because…

[deflates. sighs. serious.]

Because last time, that rich kid didn’t make it back… The hunters were so busy fighting over the bounty that he just… He got caught in the crossfire. That’s what happens out here. Things go wrong and people die. People like you are dangerous because everyone else around them gets hurt too.

When that high born died, even though half the hunters that were fighting over him had died too, his family sent one of their yachts out here armed to the teeth and shot down everything they laid eyes on. They blew a whole station off the map.

So, you, Stardust, are going home. Right back where you belong. I am getting that payday and that’s going to be the end of it.

[smiling]

Yeah, I can see why you think you have the upper hand right now, but we both know you’re not going to leave me here to die. So, you will have to cut me loose eventually.

Whatever tiff you’re having with your bloodline, you can sort out after I drop you off.

[ship] Approaching station.

You’re not listening to me at all, are you?

Stardust, you are going to get us killed.

Saving… Stop! You’re not saving anyone! Least of all me.

Fine! Go! Just cut me loose and get the hell off my ship!

[ship] Preparing to dock.

What are you doing with the stun gun? No. You don’t have to knock me out before you cut me loose. I’ll let you go!

I’m not lying!

…Okay, I’m lying. But if you stun me with that thing again, I swear, I’m going to make you pay. I don’t care how far you run or how many mercenaries you hire, Stardust. I’m going to get you back, I’m going to steal your jacket, and I’m going to drag your ass all the way back to your cousins.

[ship] Docked.

Don’t do this…

Don’t apologize! Just don’t do it!

[tasered. again.]

 PART FIVE

[muffled sounds]

[muffled gunshots]

Where are they?

I said, where is my fucking bounty?

You heard me!

I know you have them! I know they hired you and I’m guessing you already double-crossed them. I’m giving you a chance to hand over what’s mine before you end up like the rest of your crew.

[pause]

Don’t draw that on me… I swear, if you—

[gunshots]

[sighs]

Okay.

[catching his breath] You’re here somewhere, Stardust. I know you’re here and you’re still alive so…

[stardust knocking]

[pause]

[cosmic laughs]

Stardust…are you in the box?

[stardust knocking again]

Okay, knock twice for yes. Do you regret trying to hire these guys?

[Pause. Two knocks.]

[laugh] Yeah. You’re lucky that bounty on you made it really clear your family wants you back alive… You’re awfully quiet though. Did they gag you too?

[two knocks]

Smart. I’m kind of sorry I killed them now. They had the right idea…

You’re lucky I caught up to you before they left the station. How long did it take for them to realize you were worth more as a bounty than an employer? Oh yeah, you can’t answer that… Yes or no questions…

Are you sorry you stole my ship?

[pause. soft two knocks.]

Are you going to behave if I open the box?

[pause. two quick knocks.]

Yeah, I don’t believe you, Stardust. Not even a little bit. I’m convinced that you’re incapable of staying out of trouble, which would have made you a great friend in another life but right now you’re a terrible bounty.

[moving]

[stardust thumping]

Settle down. You’re not getting out of the box yet. In fact, I’m thinking I’ll drill a hole in the top here to drop in some water bottles and protein bars when we get back to the ship. Maybe you can stay in there until we get you home.

[stardust thumping]

Yeah, yeah, the restraints and the gag. I wonder what their plan was for keeping you alive in there… Or maybe they thought they’d let you out once they were on their way. Poor fools. You would have done a number on them.

Do you still have that jacket?

[stardust thumping]

[cosmic laughs]

Calm down! We’re coming up on a checkpoint and I’d rather not have to shoot anyone else for you today…

[muffled voices. Cosmic talking to someone else]

In this?

[stardust thumping]

Bought them off a skin ship. I wouldn’t suggest getting a peak. I hear they’re a biter.

Oh, I’m just transporting.

Yeah, you have a good night too.

[moving along again]

[smiling] Did you really think they’d care? You have no idea where you are, Stardust. You should be thanking me for trying to get you home.

[ship doors]

[stops moving. control panel sounds]

Oh no, you’re staying in there until I’m done resetting the systems controls.

[ship] Detaching from station.

We are getting back on course before pirates or mercenaries or whoever else you’ve talked to can catch up.

[control panel sounds]

[footsteps closer]

Okay. I’m going to open the box. If you kick me, I’m going to leave you in there for a day. Deal?

[two knocks]

[opening the box]

[cosmic amused] Aw, look at you. It’s almost like things went exactly the way I said they would… Come on, stand up. I see you got some new handcuffs, very stylish. No, I think I’ll leave those on you this time. But we’ll get rid of the gag… I can’t wait to hear you talk your way out of this.

[tape rip]

[cosmic frowning] Oh shit, your lip. Hang on.

[cleaning it up]

You’re really not doing yourself any favors out here, Stardust… At this rate you’re going to end up with a scar. Though, I’m sure they can get rid of that back in the prime.

How did I find you?

[smug] You remember when I was mending your bumps and scrapes last time?

I put nanite trackers in you when I was patching you up. They’re floating around your bloodstream. They’ll decay and stop transmitting in a couple weeks but, until then, you’re mine, Stardust.

I’m not going to lose you.

And I’m not going to make the mistake of letting you wander around freely either.

Home? I did… Yeah, I did promise to get you home. But I thought—

It kind of does matters what I thought.

Are you really trying to invoke my sense of honor to help you right now?

[ship] Incoming call. L-Class Yacht.

Don’t answer?

[laughs]

Yeah, right. Back in the box, Stardust.

[struggle. closes the box. exhale.]

[ship] Incoming call—

Yeah. Answer call.

[static]

I have the cargo and I’m heading toward the drop off. Maybe a day off schedule, but you know how things go.

[static]

No, no problems I can’t handle, thanks.

[static]

Was there something else?

[static]

…Did I see what? What are you talking about?

[static]

[confused and maybe worried] What? What do you mean you can meet sooner? The drop spot is on the edge…

[static]

My coordinates?

[stardust thumping in the box]

[control panel sounds]

[ship] Call muted.

[cosmic exhales]

What the fuck…

[footfalls back to stardust. opens the box]

Your family doesn’t come out here. Why would he… What did you do?

Why would he kill me? I’m just delivering you.

He thinks I know what, Stardust?

Oh, you want to make a deal with me now? I think it’s a little late for negotiation.

[static from the call still waiting]

[stardust elbows cosmic in the stomach and runs]

Shit. No, not again, Stardust!

Get back here!

[chasing]

[ship] Emergency pod activated.

Woah! No!

[struggle. picking up Stardust]

[ship] Emergency pod deactivated.

Stop kicking! Stop. Just settle down.

[static]

Ship, drop the call.

[ship] Call dropped.

Stardust… What is this about?

No, I’m not letting you go. You just elbowed me and tried to jump into an escape pod with your hands still cuffed. Your plans are getting worse by the hour… At this rate you really are going to throw yourself into open space.

…But… [worried] That begs the question why. You’re obviously scared.

[laughs]

Yes, you are.

Yes, you— Stardust, please, don’t start this again… I’ve got my arms around you. I can feel your pulse racing.

I’m starting to get the idea that your cousin isn’t going to pay up if I deliver you.

Okay… So, you’re in deep and you really were trying to save me?

Huh… No, it’s just that you’re really bad at crime. Which is weird because you’re from the most notorious crime family in the galaxy. You’d think you’d be good at this.

[laughs]

I should have just left you with the mercs. I should have reset my ship controls and hightailed it out of there. You are a magnet for trouble.

What does that make me?

[serious. Close]

It makes me trouble, Stardust. And I’m not letting you get away until I get paid.

 PART SIX

Let me get this straight… your parents had blackmail material on your grandmother, the scariest person in the known galaxy, and that’s how your branch of the tree got out of the family business…

They hid that information, along with a small fortune in case of emergencies, somewhere in nebula 7352 and put a map in moving ink on their kid’s back? Making you a target for all of the worst people, should anyone find out about it?

[laughs]

No offense, Stardust, but your parents were assholes.

So, someone figured out about the map?

Your cousins…right. The ones handling the bounty to bring you home safe… Do you think your grandmother knows?

No. Yeah, that makes sense. They would want the blackmail material the same as your parents did. At least that’s something in your favor…

Is there some way to just, tell them what the map says and stay out of it?

[laughs]

What do you mean you don’t know? It never occurred to you to try?

Oh. Oh, shit. You can’t see it. And…you couldn’t asked anyone to look either since if they realized what it was…yeah. No, I get it.

But I mean, I know and I’m right here… Do you mind if I get another look at it?

Well, I mean I am neck deep in this mess with you now, aren’t I?

I can’t turn you in for the bounty without getting killed and it doesn’t sound like your cousins are going to stay in the prime and wait for you to be brought back to them either.

Okay. I’m taking the cuffs off of you… Try not to steal my ship again, Stardust.

[laughs]

No offense, but your promises don’t really mean shit to me anymore.

[undoes the cuffs and drops them]

Let’s get a look at this thing. Jacket off…

[clothing sounds]

Shirt too, Stardust.

Are you really getting shy now? I saw you naked just the other day… You know, before you stole my gun and my ship, made me tase myself, taped me to a chair, tased me again, and then made me drag you back here in a box.

[pause]

You didn’t make me drag the box… yeah… great, Stardust. You’re right. You’re totally innocent and we’re complete strangers. Take off the damn shirt. If I’m going to die over this tattoo, I’d like to get a better look at it.

[clothing sounds]

[pause]

It’s…just a map of the nebula. I mean, it’s amazing ink but it’s just… Huh. It’s different than last time I saw it. It’s…closer. I guess we’re flying in that direction. I wonder if the closer we get to the nebula the closer the map gets to wherever it’s leading…

Is it okay if I touch it?

[skin sound]

Well, that doesn’t affect it…

[pause]

Stardust why… It feels like there’s a scar here. It’s pretty big. How—

You? You tried to get rid of the tattoo? How?

Oh. Shit… Stardust…

No, it didn’t do anything to the ink.

When… When did you do this?

Does it still hurt?

Okay.

[drags a breath]

Okay… So, just telling your cousins where the loot is doesn’t look like an option.

Yeah, here, you can have your shirt back.

[clothing]

Oh, no, I’m keeping the jacket.

[laughs] I told you when you tased me that second time. If you wanted one you should have gotten another one. This one is mine now.

[getting up]

What? Drop you off?

I did not save you twice just to drop you on some random station.

Your cousin is definitely coming.

That really only leaves us with one option.

No, I don’t mean trading you to your cousins. I mean going there ourselves. You said there’s treasure, right?

Yeah, okay, you didn’t use the word treasure…but that’s what it is.

The way I see it, you still owe me for saving you from pirates and from mercenaries. I can’t trust your cousins not to kill me on sight, thanks to you… So, we go to Cepheus, get the loot for ourselves, split it, and then run for the hills.

…Metaphorical hills, Stardust, keep up.

No, I’m not working for you. More like, momentarily teaming up.

Partners?

Why do you have to make this ugly?

Fine. Partners.

Pinky swear? Really?

Damn it. Fine. Pinky swear, Stardust. We’re partners until we get away with the treasure.

No, you absolutely do not get command of the ship again.

Because last time you were thieving!

No, we’re not stopping to get another jacket.

[laughs]

We’re not sharing this one!