Finally got around to writing my confusing multifandom fanfiction. Whoever comes across this i hope you enjoy this fic titled: The jester's compromise. (Correct me if im missing any but TW: mentions of substance abuse,childhood trauma,and sex if you squint hard enough)
“Haha, very funny,the joke's over. Let us out now!” Connor shouted as he kicked like a mule at the locked door. Short of breath and glaring at Hawkeye sitting in the conor of the supply tent. Over the sound of his breathing ,and seemingly endless chatter of the camp. “Not until you two learn how to play nice. Both of you are too grown up to be acting like this.” Was tossed their way by Henry,Trapper letting out a tired sigh as he leaned into the locked door. “Exactly,you two have been acting feral ever since Connor popped out those bushes a few weeks ago. Clearly no one is leaving, now fix this.” Trapper finished off his share of the ‘discussion’ with an almost hissy emphasis on the goal: fix whatever issues Connor And Hawkeye seem to have.
“Great,just wonderful. We're gonna be trapped in here until we kill each other!” Connor huffed,sliding down the wooden door. His mind and body on two different pages. Yet despite the stupid situation he's found himself in. He's yet to regret the leap into the void that led him here.
“You jump past pretending to be friendly and jump straight to a cage match? A surprising leap of logic for one of Frank Burns' disciples.” Hawkeye shot back,equally annoyed and tired of this bullshit scenario he's gotten himself into. Unaware of whatever Trapper sees in this esoteric bootlicker,he resigns himself to keep glaring at Connor from his share of the supply tent. “Oh, shove it you apple headed alcoholic.” Connor shot back, legs like jelly as he pulled himself up from the dusty dirt floor. Eyes locked on Hawkeye's,staring as he makes his way over to him one wobbly step at a time. “I don't know what that curly haired-” “Trapper” “Okay,well I don't know what Trapper seems to find enjoyable about you. What's your problem? Genuinely,what have I done to warrant this level of disgust and hatred?”
Towering over him Connor could only look down in a mix of confused disgust and pain. “What have i done that makes you want to fuck with me?” Then just as quickly as he strolled over,Hawkeye unfolds himself. Like a puppet being brought to life he slips up,up,up,upward until he's towering over Connor. Matching his look of confused pain with his own cocktail of emotional distress. “What have you done!?! What have you done!?!? You're an esoteric bootlicker who for all intents and purposes: Did not exist 3 weeks ago,refuses to tell us where you come from,how you got here,or what you're even doing in the middle of a war zone! So apologies for not trusting the strange man who's eager to serve the military.”
“I won't tell you where I'm from because you wouldn't believe me even if I did. Yall barely believed me when I said I came from a creek three miles down south from here. Why would I waste my breath telling you just to be called crazy!?!” Connor spat out,wild eyed and angry he began to pace the cramped isles of the tent. “Oh really?” “Yes really!” “You really think after all this. I'll suddenly stop believing the strange man from the creek?” “Yes!!!” The two argued,hyping each other up. Hawkeye's anger finally breaks into pure confusion,and Connor's melting into anxiety filled sorrow. A weak laugh bubbles up from deep within his throat.
“You wanna know so badly? Okay then, I'm a runaway from a world with creatures far beyond your comprehension. Creatures who are imprisoned like lab rats for the rest of their natural and unnatural born lives. Now here's me; I got snatched up by the foundation as a baby,those hypocritical feral fucks. From the moment they had me it's been test after test after test of my “gift”. And to top it off,my only sense of recognizable humanity is still on the other side waiting for me like a fucking idiot.” Tears try to pool at the corner of Connor's eyes,his voice strained and tired. “So, of course. Of fucking course, the first two faces i see when i somehow do the impossible of freeing myself; is yours and Trapper's. So of course my first taste of freedom is experienced watching two surgeons fuck side by side in the middle of the woods!”
“You know what? You're right,I didn't believe a single word that slipped out of your mouth seconds ago.” Connor shot him a look of disgust,and before he could cuss him out again. Hawkeye held up a hand almost defensively. “I also didn't believe you actually crawled out a portal from hell disguised as a creek. Yet here we are,whatever you have left to put out in the open just do it.” “No.” “No?!?” “Yep,no more free information out of me.”
For a moment Hawkeye just stared at him,processing what he could pick out of Connor's ramblings. “Free information? Why are you worried about me blackmailing you?”
And for once,for once Connor's demeanor properly shifted from guarded and cagey confusion, to almost stunned silence. “You're a doctor in the military who likes to fuck with people….why wouldn't you want to blackmail me?” Connor spoke as if they were discussing the weather, more annoyed than confused explaining what felt like elementary concepts to a grown man. And to his credit Hawkeye attempts to come up with a snarky response,he sits there for a good few seconds opening and closing his mouth just to relent. “Fair enough,fair enough. I wouldn't trust me either given your circumstances. But why Burns of all people? Why trust that rat fink before me?” And again,Connor just looked at him as if Hawkeye asked what color the sky was.
“Trust!?! I don't trust that jackass,I hate him. I hate him with a burning passion,but I also don't like the feeling of being shot at. So why wouldn't I placate the trigger happy toddler?”
Hawkeye's turn to give Connor that elementary look. “So this whole time you've been a kiss ass…..it's just been you avoiding a nonexistent threat?” Sitting back down he looks up at Connor. Really looked at him,this man only a few years older than Radar,this man who looks too clean for the thousand yard stare almost constantly present in his eyes. This man who both knows too much and not enough for a man his age. “Who's shot at you for not obeying orders? Who's shooting at you and whoever you're with for not following orders?” “No one else,just me.” “Wait,you're the only one in your unit who gets shot at?”
Connor sat beside Hawkeye, leaning back against the shelves he let out a deep tired sigh. “I mean yeah,I'm their favorite lab rat. They shoot at me,i dont die. They send me on suicide test missions,i dont die. They strip me of all my hopes and dreams,I don't die. I'm their perfect little gopher who's constantly being tossed at whatever bullshit the foundation wants a cheap test subject for.”
Curling himself up in a ball of sorts Connor leans into the shelf,waiting for the inevitable reaction he'd gotten so many times before from sadistic and masochistic weirdos alike. The silence hung in the air, as Connor kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. “What tests? What tests are you talking about? And why is the military involved in them?” Well that's a new one. Genuine curiosity instead of the usual jump to invasive questions or fights to the death. “It's another case of you wouldn't believe it until you see it. For once,just once maybe we can let this little revelation be a mystery instead of traumatizing a camp full of people?”
Another stretch of silence hangs in the air,neither willing to give more than whatever is needed in terms of information. The almost muddy humid and dust filled air danced along their faces. And what felt like purgatory finally broke. “You've asked your fair share of questions. Now it's my turn. What's your life like away from here? Like,back from wherever you came from.” Connor rolled over,his neck bent at a painful looking angle as he metaphorically began to poke and prod at Hawkeye. And to Hawkeye's amusement Connor's normally glassy corpse-like look to his eyes refocused into something more human;more alive. “Maine,I'm from Maine. Crab apple cove to be exact. It's a small town with kind people and even kinder views. And if you didn't know any better you'd probably think it's frozen in time. God I miss it,especially that blurry line between where salty shorelines and dank muddy forests meet. Many of my summers as a kid were spent traversing that blurred line between the two flavors of nature.”
“Hmm,sounds like a beautiful place.”
“Something happened to you there,didn't it?” Connor casually tossed the question out, no effort to shield himself from whatever emotional outburst was brewing in Hawkeye's head. “Well, I'm assuming at least something happened to you. Correct?”
“Why did you guess that based on a short description of my hometown?”
Conner shrugged his shoulders,picking up a pebble and rolling it around in his fingers absent mindedly. “You talk about your home like an old friend. Like there's some part of them that you still miss yet have no desire to properly revisit.” Flicking the dirty pebble,it hits a shelf with a soft ping. “You talk about your home the same way I think about Natalie and what should've been.She's beautiful,silly,smart,and was my only recognizable piece of humanity. So I'm gonna ask you again: Something god awful happened to you out there,didn't it?”
“And to quote yourself,no more free information.”
Another pebble found its way to Connor's hand,chewing on the wording for a bit before he spoke. “Then how about an exchange? I give you a tasty tale and you share one as well. Seems only fair,right?” Connor's hands danced about in the dirt blindly looking for another pebble to fumble about with. That unfocused glassy eyed stare making itself back at home on his face,silently waiting for Hawkeye's approval or rejection.
“Okay,so...god how do I even start this story? Okay,so as a child I never really got to have a proper childhood. Rarely hung around kids my own age and when I did my “gift” would freak them out. So I spent most of my time bouncing between facilities and childcare centers. Of course with the foundation being an international organization,the childcare centers would be just as diverse.”
“Is there time for a Q&A during your story?” Hawkeye interrupted,scooting closer to Connor. Captivated and curious about the story unfolding. “Eh...no, now can I continue?” With a shrug and wave of Hawkeye's hand Connor continued. “So as I was saying. With me being the only English speaker in the main childcare center,it was hard to make any friends. Well that was until I met Gilbert,a psychic octopus who was kept in this massive aquarium set up with his family. Since it was brain wave communication on his part translation wasn't really needed. For once I had a proper friend: I'd feed him while his siblings were asleep so they couldn't bully him out of those morsels too. And he'd hype me up,and talk about how he wished he had my “gift” and how useful it'd be in the fight against the winged menace or whatever the hell a winged menace really was. Either way,between that and our talks of escaping. It felt nice having someone who I could talk to man to man…well man to fish really. ” For a moment the briefest hint of a smile formed on Connor's face only for it to fall into a grimace then a look of terror.
“So of course with our blooming friendship,I'd eventually get the chance to see his mom. Which,his kind didn't really have names if that makes sense? So his mom was just big Gilbert to me…..and I-I don't know how to describe it. Psychic energy? Child-like terror? Regardless of what name you try to put on what I felt. My gut reaction to seeing big Gilbert was to run,and run as far away from her as I could. And after that I never saw Gilbert again. Of course the aquarium didn't stay empty for long,it got filled with stupid mermaids or something. But for that brief moment I felt somewhat normal,I felt like a kinda normal kid with a kinda normal childhood issues.”
One of Hawkeye's hands found itself on Connor's shoulder,bracing himself more so than Connor for his next question. “Did Gilbert ever escape? You know,like how you escaped? Or do you even know what happened when he grew up?”
“A few years after our last meeting there was a containment breach. Eight octopuses broke containment,and about seven of them died not long after the breach. So I like to think Gilbert is out there getting mad octopussy. But jokes aside, it'd be nice to actually have someone else survive an escape and live to tell about it.”
“I told you a story from my childhood,you tell me one from yours.”
“Alright,growing up me and my older cousin would spend our summers walking the woods. Some days we stuck to the treelines. Other days we'd venture down to a little pond not too far from my house and swim there.”
Connor primed himself to interrupt with a question,only to be met with a silent hand. “No Q&A here either kid.”
“So as I was saying,we'd venture down to the little pond for a quick swim. Mom always hated it because we'd come back in dirty clothes and a house covered in pond water.”
Hawkeye let out a little giggle,and strained sigh. “Well that day,I almost drowned. God it was horrifying. One moment your above water;next your clawing away at the sky like god will hand deliver you a mouthful of air. And right as my vision began to close in on itself. My cousin saved my clumsy butt,if it wasn't for him I'd be dead.I avoided swimming for a long time after that. And to this day I still remember the look on my cousin's face when he yanked me out of the water. ”
Connor got a pained look on his face,shaking his head a bit. “God,that sounds awful. I'm sorry that you had to go through that.”
“Like you said,these are childhood stories.”
“I know,but still. That doesn't make it any better.”
“But you get to side step your trauma?”
“What?” Hawkeye stares at Connor for a second. Growing tired of Connor's contradictory nature,he groans. “This right here,you're comforting me for something that happened to me when I was seven years old. But yet you don't give yourself the same grace.”
“I was eleven, so it probably impacted you differently or something.”
“Jesus christ,when you said childcare center i was thinking maybe daycare. Not an after school program. You lost a close friend,that's something you have the right to feel sad over!”
It's been hours by this point,the sun is slowly crawling below the horizon. Connor eyes the window. A deep rib stretching yawn works itself out his mouth. Arms following his lungs’ lead.
“You haven't been fully honest with me today have you?” Hawkeye tossed out into the open,Connor quietly side eyes him. “Neither have you.” So they sit like that for a bit,side eyeing each other like stray cats. Seeing who's gonna break first,seeing who's gonna pour their heart out in the supply room.
“So do you intend on ever giving me the full picture Hawkeye? Or is this a rule for thee not for me situation? Because I have no issues sharing so long as it's equal.”
Pulling a flask out his pocket,Hawkeye takes a swig. Offering it to Connor with a shake of the flask. Connor shakes his head. Reaching into his pants,he yanks off a metal box taped to his thigh. With a soft hiss he portions out a small pile of weed,rolling himself a densely packed joint. Hanging it out his mouth like a cigarette he mimics Hawkeye's offer. Hawkeye in turn waves him off with another swig from the flask.
“You know Connor,this situation would be funny if it wasn't so depressing.”
Connor took a long drag off his joint,blowing the smoke in Hawkeye's face like a dungeonous dragon. “Speak for yourself,this right here is an upgrade compared to the hell i escaped. At least you get to self sooth without fear of it being held over your head like a bargaining chip.”
“I may not know the hell you've been through,but you're not the only one who's had his vices held above his head like a circus bear begging for its only treat. You think I keep this bottle in my pocket at all times for fun?”
“You saw me rip some of my leg hair out to access my own stash. What makes you think I don't know that?”
“I don't know! Ever since you came here you've confused me. You have good penmanship but can't work a typewriter. You act like you've waded through oceans of blood before,yet don't have the scares to prove it. And to top it off,you're fine with gore and assisting in the OR. Yet the sight and smell of certain foods make you run out the mess tent looking for a hole to hurl in.”
“I could say the same to you!” Connor waved his joint about for emphasis. “You push your body beyond its limits then snap at others who do the same. You'll fuck anything with a pulse and a nice pair of tits. Yet act shocked when people eventually get tired of you, and want more than cheap liquor and even cheaper sex. You're slowly destroying your body yet refuse to let those around you do the same.”
The men continue to partake in their own vices, the room soon reeking of cheap liquor and pungent smoke. Limbs now intertwined as they talk about nothing. “Connor,listen kid.”
“Well you're a kid compared to me. Now listen,I've been treating you like trash ever since you got here. And I'd like to apologize for that.”
“Thanks,I'm sorry too. Cause to be honest i really didnt know how to describe what i felt towards you at first. But now I think I can kinda piece it together. You're not some weirdo,you're a scared desperate man trying to run away from issues that'll follow you for the rest of your life.”
Connor jokingly raised his hands in a defensive manner. Putting out what little of the joint he had left on the metal shelf. “It takes one to know one dude.”
“Do you think we'd be friends if it wasn't for this?” Hawkeye murmured, drunk enough now to let more tangible questions slip out of him.
“You're like my mirror in the worst possible way,it'd be God awful if we met each other under different circumstances. Hell,it was god awful in this lifetime until Trapper locked us in here.”
They both stared at each other for a long moment. Connor eyed the locked door behind them,then back to Hawkeye. “Hawkeye,are you thinking what I'm thinking?”
“If you're thinking Trapper secretly unlocked the door and is waiting to see how long we'd notice. Then yes,yes I am very much thinking what you're thinking.”
Like brothers of different worlds and mothers, Hawkeye and Connor mirrored their wobbly uncoordinated rise from the dirt. Their hands reach for the door at the same time. They look at each other, faces contorting into one of understanding and a bit of bittersweet acceptance. “Since we're already on the same wavelength,I hope you understand when I say this: it was never your fault. And I'm sorry you weren't protected like you should've been.”
Connor tries not to cry,truly he tries his hardest. Yet both of them eagerly embrace the other,letting go of the door. They step back for a bit,rocking each other side to side. A silent acknowledgement of things neither of them is willing to fully unpack. Quickly turning back to the door,they dry their eyes. And with one swift motion they pushed the door open.
Trapper sat on the other side,a glass of gin in one hand and a book in the other. Perking up and meeting the two's dirty smokey liquor scented faces with a shit eating grin. “Took you two long enough. That door's been unlocked for a good few hours now.” Handing Hawkeye his own glass Trapper eyes the two. Neither one of them is eager to say they've squashed their issues. Neither one of them is eager to act feral either.
Hawkeye and Connor exchange a few glances,settling on the silent agreement to not poke and prod any further. “Yeah,we kind of figured that one out now.” The two said in unison, glancing at each other again before letting out a unified laugh. Leaving a confused Trapper to wonder what exactly happened in the supply tent as they wandered in the general direction of the mess tent.
“You wanna grab a bite to eat Hawks?”
And with that the two bolted off towards the mess tent for whatever slime they call food. Both happy to have a new friend who's willing to let the other delusionally avoid their deep seeded issues. Both happy to have found someone who understands enough to stop prying at their Lovecraftian truths.
