#connected series

your phone dinged with a notification. wiping the tears from your cheeks, you pick up the device.

youtube: Stray Kids is Live- 찬이의 “방” 🐺 ep.209

you clicked on the link. the screen shows the studio, chans empty chair, the chat moving so quickly you struggle to read it, and FAM plays softly in the background.

you prop your phone up on the pillow next to you, curling your body on its side, sniffling still but finding comfort in the livestream.

as the song comes to an end, chan takes his seat. “안녕하세요“ he sing songs, smiling. and you smile too.

the live goes on for a little over an hour, and by the end of it you’re feeling a bit better. but you have a sneaking suspicion that once the video ends, so will your happiness. even the thought of that steals away some of your joy.

“stayyy im going to go.” he says. “감사합니다“

he waits a moment as more comments roll in. he reads through them.

‘no don’t go!’ ‘bye channie! remember to rest and eat well!’. ‘사랑해요~~’ ‘big hug??’

you read through the chat the best you could, and you normally don’t comment. but today you weren’t having the best day and his live really helped you, if only for a moment. so you click on the chat bar and begin typing.

“chan, im having a pretty rough day today, but your big hugs always help! thank you for this livestream ❤️”

you hesitated for a moment. reading your comment over and over, wondering if it sounded too cheesy. you decided that it totally sounded too cheesy, but the live was ending and what are the odds of him seeing it anyway? so you press send.

he’s still looking down at his phone, reading the comments.

“you’re having a rough day?” he reads aloud, looking up into the camera. your stomach dropped, and the eye contact was making you blush. “i’m sorry you’re having a bad day.” he pouted. “i’m glad i could help a little.” he smiles and then stands. “for everyone who’s having a bad day, or for anyone who may want one, let’s do a hug” he spreads his arms out wide, “biiiig hugggg” he says, leaning toward the screen.

you knew the smile on your face was goofy as hell, but you didn’t care. you couldn’t help it. he sat back down and said his outro, thanking the stays and doing his signature pose, and then the screen went black.

the smile stayed on your face for longer than you expected. but then the day came crashing back to you, the same thoughts, the same fears plaguing your brain. you let out a sad sigh. you could feel the tears coming on again, so you grabbed your switch, deciding you would try to occupy your brain with video games so you wouldn’t be thinking about your life (mood).

you played for hours, your thumbs moving furiously over the joysticks, until eventually you fell into a fitful sleep. you awoke in the middle of the night from yet another nightmare, your heart beating out of your chest, your face and pillow wet with your tears. you reach for your phone in the darkness to check the time. 2am. but that’s not the only thing you see on your screen. you have an instagram messenger notification. you were instantly confused. no one ever messages you on instagram. you cautiously opened the app and clicked the messages in the top corner. what you saw next had your heart seizing. you had accepted your fate. this was how you died and honestly.. you were okay with it. because on your screen, staring back at you, was a message from bang chan. like thee bang chan. like christopher bahng himself. complete with blue check mark and all.

you sat bolt upright in bed, suddenly not sleepy at all but at full attention. you clicked on his message.

“hey this might be weird.. and im not even sure if you’re the right person im looking for. but this picture and username matches the one on youtube?” -9:04pm

“is that weird? it’s weird.” -9:06pm

“i’m sorry ㅋㅋ“ -9:07pm

“did you comment on a live stream of mine that you were having a bad day? if not, this is totally embarrassing and ignore this.” -9:08pm

“oh, you’re probably sleeping” -9:30pm

“sorry again.” -9:31pm

•

you chuckled at his messages. they seemed very… chan. but then the realization hit you. do you message him back? of course you do. every stay dreams of this moment. so you should send him a message. right? yes. definitely reply. but what do you say?

‘oh my god’ you type and erase. ‘yeah that’s me’ erase ‘i’m such a big fan’ erase ‘sorry if i bothered you’ erase

damn this was hard. what do you even say to a famous person?

hands shaking, you settle on a response and type it out before taking a deep breath and hitting send.

“you found me! totally not weird. and yeah i commented on chans room. today wasn’t the best but you made it so much better. thank you!” -2:38am

after you sent the message, you couldn’t stop yourself from reading it over and over, analyzing everything you said. you had decided it was a weird message and you shouldn’t have sent it. you were about to freak out when he responded.

“i’m glad you were the right person! i’m relieved ㅋㅋ” -2:45am

“i just wanted to check in with you. make sure you’re okay. if that’s okay.” -2:45am

you couldn’t believe this. he’s so sweet for checking on you. your heart swelled. you quickly typed out a response to him, knowing his time is valuable and probably limited at this moment.

“that’s so nice of you. i’m doing okay. i distracted myself with video games. haha.” -2:48am

“well i did until i fell asleep and had a nightmare.” -2:48am

“you had a nightmare? i’m sorry to hear that.” -2:50am

“i wish i could go live every time you needed me.” -2:50am

he is literally the sweetest human and you thought you may cry.

“you don’t have time for that. you’re so so busy. one hour with you earlier helped me so much, truly. you’ve already done so much.” -2:53am

“not if you’re having nightmares.” -2:55am

“that’s not your fault tho, chan.” -2:56am

“chan?” -2:57am

“sounds so formal. ㅋㅋ” -2:57am

“well.. that’s your name. so… haha” -2:58am

“i think i prefer channie. ㅋㅋ” -3:00am

“or you can just call me your boyfriend.” -3:00am

you squealed and giggled, kicking your feet under your covers. he did not just say that.

“maybe i should just call you chrizztopher.” -3:02am

“ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ” -3:03am

“that works too. ㅋㅋ” -3:03am

“i’m sorry, but i have to go now. busy busy.” 3:04am

your heart fell a little, but you know how busy he is and you got more time with him than most people, so you were happy.

“that’s okay! thank you for checking on me. it was very kind. ❤️” -3:06am

“oooh hearts. i like hearts. ❤️❤️❤️” -3:07am

“good night. and if you have another nightmare, message me. i’ll have my notifications on.” -3:07am

you had the thought that the world does not deserve bang chan. and what did you do to deserve him? you felt so lucky.

“thank you channie. don’t work too hard.” -3:08am

and then he was gone. off to record some music, or write some music, or take some pictures, or do an interview, you didn’t know. but you fell back asleep with a smile on your face and for the first time in a long time, you slept through the night.

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you felt like time had gone by so fast. the couple of months since that video call, has felt like minutes. you talked to chan every day in some form. it was usually texting, he’s too busy for much else. but the occasional video call on nights when he really needed to sleep but couldn’t, those were your favorite. it had become sort of a ritual for him. you were about the only thing that could get him to relax enough to sleep. and that made you feel pretty special. though you would never admit that to anyone.

but the day had come. today is the day to be in chicago. he had let you know a while ago the specific date they would be there. and he had texted you selfies of him on the plane. so as you climbed into your car that morning to take the couple hour drive to chicago, it all started to feel very real. and because of the realness, you were very nervous. you had let him know you were headed his way and wouldn’t be able to text him for a couple hours. he responded with a ‘okay, drive safe~~” you turned on your playlist, and hit the road.

the drive was pretty uneventful and boring, the occasional bouts of traffic, but thankfully when you approached chicago, it wasn’t during rush hour. chan had picked a location for you to meet him at. that was the address in your gps and when you got close and were at a red light, you texted him.

“i’ll be there soon. gps says about ten minutes.”

wow ten minutes until you meet bang chan? you had to let that thought sink in. who were you? and what decision in your life, or your past life, led you to this point? what had you done to deserve such a thing? your stomach churned with anxiety. you told yourself it’s not that different from a video call.. right? it’s basically the same thing. you’ve pretty much already met him and you talk every day. everything was going to be fine. so why did you feel like throwing up?

the meeting spot was in downtown chicago. and you weren’t very comfortable with your parallel parking skills. so you pulled into a multi level garage. these types of garages always made you feel a little uneasy. you put the car in park and made sure you had everything you needed. your phone, your wallet, and your pepper spray. exiting the car, you put your phone in your pocket, safety first, and your wallet in your other pocket. leaving only your keys and your pepper spray in your hands. maybe a little over cautious, but better safe than sorry. though the walk to the meeting spot was uneventful. it was just a few buildings over.

you approached the little coffee shop, its large windows facing the street, its chipped metal sign hanging above the door, the smell of coffee permeating the air. you cautiously entered the store, the little bell above the door announcing your arrival. you looked around a little before seeing a black hoodie and a black beanie in the far back corner, seemingly hiding from everyone else. the butterflies in your tummy felt like professional mma fighters the way they were punching at your stomach. but you took a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other and slowly approached him.

his back was still to you once you reached him, scrolling on his phone.

“um.. hello?” you said, your voice shaking with nervousness.

he turned around and you thought you may fall over at the sight of him, a smile slowly filling his face, his dimples out. he stood from the table. “oh my god, hi.” he said excitedly. he opened his arms, offering a hug in greeting.

were you about to get a bang chan signature big hug right now? you had been here for all of two minutes. you reciprocated and moved closer. he wrapped his arms tightly around you, pulling you close, your head on his chest. but it only lasted a moment. “how are you? it’s so nice to finally meet you in person. was your drive okay?” he asked, pulling away.

the smell of him lingered on your clothes and in your nose. it was musky, with a hint of vanilla. your heart fluttered in your chest as pulled the chair out for you to sit, before taking his own seat across from you.

“my drive was fine. not too much traffic. how are you? tired from your flight?” you asked, trying to portray yourself calmer than you actually felt.

“i am a little tired.” he said. “but im always tired.”

“oh yeah.” you chuckled nervously. why were you being so awkward? you scolded yourself for being weird.

“did you want a coffee? what’s your drink of choice?” he asked.

“oh i usually get an americano.” you made to stand up, to head to the counter, but he stopped you.

“i’ll get it. you stay here, yeah?” he smiled. and he was gone to the counter before you could protest. curse his handsome face, it made your brain all fuzzy and unable to focus.

you took a deep breath in through your nose and blew it out your mouth. you needed to relax. he is literally just a person. a super duper talented and handsome and kind and famous god like person, but just a person. you’ve been talking to him for months now. this is no different. your heartbeat finally started to calm down. you could do this. you could totally do this. and then he returned to your table with your drinks, smiling at you with his dimples, and all of those calm thoughts went out the window. oh my god look at him. was your mouth open? were you drooling. pull. yourself. together.

“thanks for coming all the way to chicago.” he said, sipping his coffee. “i really didn’t want to miss the chance to finally see you in person.”

oh my god you were going to fall out of your chair. you wished you could slap yourself in the face to try to bring yourself back to reality.

“i should be the one thanking you, mr celebrity.” you cringed at yourself for that one. “for taking time out of your schedule for little ole me.”

but he didn’t cringe. he laughed. and wouldn’t you know it, the little squeak was in the middle of that laugh. you heard the squeak in person. you could die happy now. all depression left your body in that moment.

“ah. i always have time for you.” he said, running his fingers through the condensation on his cup. “honestly, thank you.” his tone turning serious now. “you’ve really helped me these last few months. i’m actually getting some sleep. i feel.. at ease with you.” he was nervous now, saying these things out loud.

“well i’m glad i could return the favor. you’ve been making me feel at ease for.. years now.”

it got quiet after that. but not a weird silence where you felt like you needed to say something quickly. but a comfortable silence. he was smiling, but still looking down at his cup. you were starting to realize the small size of this table. you were sitting on opposite sides, but with both of your coffee cups on the table, with both of you hands wrapped around each cup, your knuckles were only inches from each other. you didn’t know if you were being a delusional crazy person right now, but you swear you could feel the energy between your hands and his. like a quiet tingly buzzing that radiated from his fingers to yours. and then he extended his index finger to brush a soft caress against the back of your knuckles. and it was like you were zapped with electricity. he must have felt it too, because he jerked back and looked shocked for a moment. your cheeks were on fire, blazing under his sudden attention.

and then his phone rang.

he answered and spoke quietly for a moment in korean before hanging up and looking sad.

“i’m so sorry, but somethings come up.” he says. “i need to go..”

“that’s okay.” you smile at him. “i understand. you’re a busy busy man.”

“i feel terrible that you drove for two hours to only get to spend ten minutes with me.” he frowned. “i promise- i promise i’ll make it up to you, yeah?”

you nodded and he stood. he hovered awkwardly by the table, so you stood with him. he pulled you into a hug, squeezing tightly and holding on longer this time, before saying “i’ll text you.” and then he smiled and exited the coffee shop, sparing a last glance at you over his shoulder before the bell above the door confirmed his exit.

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today was hard. it seemed like every day had been hard for you recently. and not for any particular reason that you could pinpoint. life just felt.. hard. everything just felt so heavy. all day long your mind is constantly going with ‘you’re so fat’ ‘why did you say that? you’re weird.’ ‘remember that embarrassing thing that happened in 6th grade?’ ‘no one likes you.’ ‘everyone hates you, of course they do.’

“why can’t i just have a good day?” you said aloud to yourself, feeling defeated. all you wanted to do was go home, crawl in bed, put your headphones in and turn on some music. or maybe a comfort audio, though you felt you were a little dependent on those these days. so when the time finally rolled around for you to get off work, that’s exactly what you did. you unlocked the door, not even bothering to say hello to your cat, you headed to the bathroom to change your clothes. you avoided the mirror at all costs, not able to look at yourself. once the comfy clothes were secured, you went to your room and flung yourself on the bed. finally you thought. you curled under the cover, pulling it up to your chin, phone in hand. you slipped your headphones in and opened your music app.

you turned on some stray kids, because of course you did. hearing their voices, especially chan, you immediately felt somewhat soothed. you closed your eyes and let the music take over.

i tried to hide away from all the sorrow and pain

but little did i know that i was going insane

the tears started to gather then, at the corners of your eyes. you squeezed them shut tighter, a few tears slipping past and down to your pillow. you really loved that part of the song. the whole song is so beautiful, but chans voice there really makes you emotional.

you thought back to his messages from the other day. by the other day you meant it had been a few weeks. you had felt down and have had plenty of nightmares, but you never reached out to him again. you felt like you would be bothering him. you would be a burden to him, just like you are to everyone else. he only reached out the first time because he felt bad for you. he only told you to message him just to be nice. he didn’t really mean it. but sometimes, just to soothe yourself, you’ll open the chat and reread the messages he sent. thats what you did now, opening instagram you read through the chat again, smiling at his flirtatious attitude.

•

at some point you must have fallen asleep. you wake with a start from yet another nightmare, covered in sweat, tears streaming down your cheeks. it’s dark outside now, the middle of the night again. you just want one good nights sleep. just one. your phone is still clutched in your hand, instagram chats still open. you go to close the app, but hesitate. maybe you would send him a message. he probably won’t answer, but you thought it was worth a try. you could really use the comfort. but you found yourself struggling again with what to say. you had typed out a few messages, but deleted each one. you sounded too desperate. too annoying. until eventually, you had almost talked yourself out of it altogether. you drafted one last message:

“had another nightmare. came back to reread these messages. they comfort me. thank you again.”

and before you could talk yourself out of it, you hit send. you don’t know how long you sat there, phone in hand, chats open, staring at the screen. but you eventually fell asleep again, not waking up until morning when your alarm started blaring in your ear. you rubbed at your blurry, sleep filled eyes. rolling over, you see your phone. it was still open to instagram, the battery almost dead. you grab for the phone, your chest filled with hope, only to be crushed by the last message you sent. he hadn’t answered you. of course he didn’t, why would he? he’s busy, and you’re a nobody. you plugged the phone in and dragged yourself out of bed to get ready for work.

•

a few days had passed, and things were still the same. every night after work, you went home and crawled into bed. some nights were better than others, those nights where you could actually stomach some food and force yourself to take a shower. and other nights were bad, where you couldn’t do anything but stare at the ceiling and let the dread creep in.

tonight was one of the bad nights. you stared at the ceiling, the same old fan slowly spinning overhead, the same comfort audio you had listened to about a million times played in your ears. you knew you needed to eat something, you hadn’t had anything all day, but you couldn’t bring yourself to move. you just continue to lay there.

suddenly, your audio cut off and a weird ringing filled your ears. a sound you had never heard. you looked down at your phone and you had an incoming call from instagram. who knew you could call someone through instagram. you were more shocked to see who was calling. it was chan. you immediately started to panic. what do you do? was he calling to tell you to stop contacting him? was he mad? why wouldn’t he just block you if that was the case?

with shaky hands you reached out and accepted the call.

“he-hello?” you stuttered.

“hi!” he answered. he sounded a little nervous, but it was clearly chan. there’s no mistaking that voice. “i’m so so sorry i didn’t answer your message. i didn’t see it until just now. i had my notifications on, i promise. but instagram never notified me. i’m sorry. are you okay?”

your brain short circuited. was he just calling to check on you? he didn’t sound mad or annoyed.

“you..” you started your sentence but lost it after only one word.

“you’re upset with me.” he sighed. “i really am sorry, i don’t know why i didn’t get notified of your message.”

his voice sounded sad. you could hear a little commotion in the background, what sounded like playful arguing and laughter. but it was muffled, almost like the rowdiness was in the room next to him, the loud voices traveling through the wall.

“i’m not upset with you.” you told him. “just- just a little surprised is all”

“surprised?” he asks.

“yeah. i never would have thought you would call me.”

“is it okay that i did?” he asks. “i noticed your message and wanted to apologize for not responding. and i felt like it was too important to say over text… so i called.”

“oh. well, i don’t mind. you’re very nice, chan.”

he nervously laughed a little at that, and you could feel the corners of your mouth turn up slightly at the sound.

“you never answered me.” he said. and you were confused. you were pretty sure he was the one who never answered you. that’s why this call was happening, right? “are you okay?”

oh, he meant you didn’t answer his question from before.

“yeah, i’m okay.” you tell him.

“that didn’t sound very convincing.” he says, chuckling.

“no, i’m okay.” you reply. “just, the last little while has been hard. but i’m okay. i promise. you don’t need to worry about me. you’re so busy.”

“but i do worry about you. im always here if you need me, im never too busy for that.” he promises.

“i-i wouldn’t want to bother you.”

“you’re not bothering me. you deserve to be happy. you deserve someone who will listen. and that’s me.” you could tell he was smiling, you could hear it in his voice. you really didn’t know what to say. you didn’t know what you ever did to deserve someone like chan in your life.

“hyung, minhos ready to start practice again.” you faintly heard someone, who sounded a lot like han jisung, say in the background.

“okay, i’m coming. just a sec.” chan answered. “i have to go.” he says to you now, “i’m sorry i couldn’t talk longer. i’ll text you, okay?”

all of this felt so surreal to you. you had to be dreaming right now and it would soon take a turn for the scary and you would wake up screaming.

“uh, yeah, of course.” you say. “only if you have time.”

“i’ll make time.” he tells you. “try to get some rest. and don’t skip meals, yeah?”

you shyly nodded, but then realized he couldn’t see you. “yeah. okay.” you answer.

“okay, bye.” he says, his voice soft, almost like he is sad to be hanging up.

“bye, chan.” and then the line goes silent.

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the nightmares returned that night. it was a never ending cycle of falling asleep, waking up crying, reaching for your phone to text chan, not wanting to bother him, and falling back asleep. when it was time to get up for work, you were exhausted and miserable. the thought of calling in crossed your mind, but then what would you do? sit at home all day and stare at your phone? you needed to go to work. you drug yourself out of bed and got ready.

“are you sleeping?”

his message came through as you were grabbing your keys to walk out the door. you were running a little behind and didn’t have time to contemplate whether you should answer him or not. so you shoved your phone in your pocket and headed on your way.

work was almost as miserable as your dreams and you couldn’t wait for it to be over. but at the same time, you had nothing better waiting for you at home. at least at home there was your bed, and music. so when it was finally time to clock out and you grabbed your bag and headed to your car.

“you busy?”

“i just can’t fall asleep.”

now you had nothing to do, so there’s no hiding from him. do you answer? last night you had convinced yourself that it was best if you just left him alone, didn’t bother him anymore. but these messages sounded as if he needed someone and you didn’t want to leave him all alone. you knew too well how that felt.

“no im not busy. just getting off work.”

“sorry you can’t sleep. can’t turn your brain off?”

you tossed your phone on the passenger seat and drove home. immediately upon arrival, you collapsed on your bed, pulling your pillow close to your chest, hugging it tightly. your phone vibrated against the sheets.

“too many thoughts.”

you understood that. there were some nights where you wanted to sleep so bad that you were brought to tears, unable to slip into unconsciousness. insomnia is rough. your heart broke for him.

“anything i can do to help you? want to call?”

‘that was brave’ you thought. normally you would never be the first one to suggest such a thing, but you really just wanted to help him.

“can we video call..? or is that too much?”

your stomach dropped. a video call? the thought of him being able to see you.. was terrifying. this is what you get for being brave and asking if he wanted to call.

“a video call is fine.”

your stomach was in knots, you were afraid you may be sick.

“okay but don’t make fun of the way i look. ㅋㅋㅋ”

you rolled your eyes. this man. but it made you feel a little better. it was comforting to know that you weren’t the only one who was nervous about the way they looked.

your phone started buzzing in your hand, ‘incoming video call’ filled the screen. you held your breath and accepted.

and there he was.

he was clearly in bed, surrounded by covers, his natural curly hair falling in his eyes, his bare face peeking out at you from behind the blanket. he was so cute. he looked so cuddly and sleepy.

“you look comfy."

he laughed. his laugh had quickly become one of your favorite sounds and you were discovering that it was even better when you could see his face. it made you smile.

“so do you.”

you realized your posture almost mirrored his, but instead of peeking out from behind the blanket, you were peeking out from behind your pillow.

the silence filled the room.

“i’m nervous.” you confessed.

“me too.” he said, chuckling.

“i’m sorry you can’t sleep. i know that really sucks.”

“that’s okay. you’re helping me.”

“are you saying that i’m putting you to sleep?” you joked.

he smiled and shook his head. “you’re relaxing me.”

“am i boring you, chan?” you laughed.

he was quiet for a moment, smiling. “do that again.” he said.

“do- do what again?”

“laugh like that.” you blushed. “i’ve always really liked your laugh. but it’s somehow better when i can see you.” he confessed.

you didn’t know whether to cry, throw your phone, pass out, or all of the above.

“your cheeks are red.” he pointed out. you hid behind the pillow. “hey hey, don’t hide.” he laughed. “i think you’re adorable.”

you could feel the warmth radiating off of your face. you decided a change of subject was necessary.

“so.. you’re coming to america?” you asked.

“yeah. here in a couple months. not for like a tour or anything but for a photo shoot and a couple interviews.”

“oh that’s cool. so i guess you won’t be here long then.”

“i’m afraid not. we’ll only be there for like 2 or 3 days and then we fly back.”

you just nodded. unsure of what to say next.

“i.. i uh.. i asked if we could make a pit stop in chicago.” he says, nervously. he was avoiding looking into the camera, suddenly finding a loose string on his pillowcase very interesting.

“really?” your face was hot again and your stomach was doing gymnastics.

“yeah. i thought maybe if you weren’t busy..” his sentence trailed off, never reaching its end.

“you want me to come to chicago?” you asked.

“only if you have time. only if you want to.” he said quickly. “no pressure or anything.”

“and all of the boys will be there..?” you asked, suddenly nervous. meeting chan was of course nerve wracking in itself. but meeting all eight of them? and the staff? you weren’t sure if you could handle that without a panic attack.

“yeah. but you don’t have to meet everyone if you don’t want to. you don’t even have to come if you don’t want to.” he cleared his throat a little. “i just.. i just wanted to meet you and the opportunity presented itself.. so i thought..”

“i would love to meet you, chan.” you reassured him. “but meeting you is scary and meeting everyone.. i think might be too much.”

“it can just be me then. you can meet every one else some other time. no need to be scared, i promise.” he smiled, his dimples making an appearance and you silently swooned. ‘get it together’ you told yourself.

“okay. just you sounds perfect.” you smile and fight the urge to kick your feet and giggle. what even is your life? what is happening?

“great.” he yawns. “i can’t wait.”

you chuckled. “are you sleepy?”

“mm” he answered, nodding.

“i can let you get some rest. i’ll talk to you tomorrow.” you suggested.

“no!” he said quickly, afraid you were going to suddenly hang up like last time. “don’t go. tell me about your day. how was work?”

you smiled. you settled deeper into your mattress, cuddling closer to the phone. “work was work.” you started. “i kind of hate my job.” he was quiet, so you continued. “i guess it’s not the job i hate, it’s the people i work with. they’re just not very nice.”

he was still silent, his eyes closed, his breathing deep. “chan?” you whispered. you were answered by the cutest softest snoring sound. he was definitely asleep. you couldn’t contain your smile. “goodnight, channie.” you whispered. but instead of hanging up, you placed the phone down on the bed and closed your eyes, falling asleep in the middle of the day to the soft sound of his breathing and his occasional snore.

taglist: @thinkingaboutlana @tamlinsfiddle (red means it wouldnt let me tag you, to be added or removed just let me know.)

you had finally slept through the night. no nightmares, no tears. and you only had chan to thank for that. his phone call from the day before left you feeling happy, downright giddy if you were honest. so sleep that night was a breeze.

now it’s the morning after and you wake up refreshed, and hungry for once. you find yourself in your kitchen to make some breakfast. the place is kind of trashed, cleaning isn’t at the top of your list when you’re depressed. but you actually had the energy to do something about it today. after a quick breakfast, you put on some music and got to work. a mixture of cleaning and dancing had you giggling and out a breath when your phone dinged.

“hey! how are you feeling today? did you get some rest? any nightmares?”

you pick up your phone, smiling at the screen.

“hey! i slept great actually. thanks to you. :)”

“i didn’t do anything though. ㅋㅋ”

“yes you did. your phone call was very comforting. i slept like a baby.”

“well my baby should sleep like a baby.”

“ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ”

“that was so cringe, im sorry. ㅋㅋㅋ”

you giggled. crizztopher at work again, but shy. he’s adorable.

“you’re so cute lol”

“am not.” he argues. “i’m about to go do a chans room. you gonna be there?”

you practically squealed with excitement.

“of course! opening youtube as we speak.”

it was so nice to see his face fill the screen. so nice to sit with him and listen to music. but it felt like it ended just as quickly as it started. but when you checked the time, it had been over an hour.

“stay, i’ve got to go now.” he said, and the chat immediately filled with different variations of ‘no don’t go!’

and you felt the same. no don’t go. but then you remembered that you had been talking to him outside of chans room. you felt you may need to pinch yourself to make sure it was real. a notification filled the top part of your screen. a message from chan. but he was still live..? why was he texting you during his live..? you opened the instagram app to check his message.

“are you still watching?”

what a strange message. i was watching, you thought. but i had to minimize the stream to read your message.

“yes~~” you quickly reply, then switch back to youtube.

“one last thing before i go,” he starts. and you sit up a little straighter. he’s peaked your interest. “i’m not supposed to say anything, so i’m not going to. buuuttttt…” he draws out and pauses for dramatic effect, giggling. “i may or may not be going to america soon..”

he then repeats his statement again in korean, but you couldn’t hear it. your jaw was on the floor. does he mean, like a tour? are all of the members coming? or just him? where exactly in america? you lived in the middle of nowhere, he definitely wasn’t coming anywhere close to you. the chat flooded with similar questions.

“that’s all i can say!” he laughs. “i’ll see you later.” his accent was so strong on the ‘later’ that your heart gave a squeeze. “thank you stays. thank you baby stays.” and the screen goes black. you immediately open instagram.

“CHRISTOPHER.”

“oh no ㅋㅋㅋ”

“not in all caps. ㅠㅠ”

“could you please elaborate on your previous statement?”

“i’m afraid i don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“unrelated question: what large city is the closest to where you live?”

“why…?”

“just curious.”

“chan are you going on tour?”

“that’s classified.”

“ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ”

“*sigh* chicago. that’s the closest large city to me.”

“chicago. got it. i hear it’s windy there. maybe i should bring a jacket.”

“chaaaaann”

“quit teasing meeee.”

your phone suddenly started vibrating in your hand, another instagram call.

you pick up quickly. “hello?”

“ah that’s better.” you hear chans voice on the other end of the phone.

you smile. “what’s better?”

“better to hear you. instead of texting. i like the sound of your voice.”

you cheeks flame at his comment and you thank whatever god there is that this is a phone call and chan can’t actually see you.

“i.. i could say the same about you.” your voice is a little shaky, suddenly shy and still trying to recover after what he said.

“did you eat?” he asks suddenly.

“uh.. yeah. just had breakfast before your live stream.”

“good. you got a good nights sleep, and you had some food. pretty soon you won’t need me at all.” he says, chuckling.

you get the feeling that he’s kidding, but his comment makes you sad. is this his way of trying to get out of whatever relationship he has with you? is he tired of talking to you? does he feel obligated and this is the only way he sees out of that? ‘i will always need you’ you thought. but you were too scared to say that. did that sound pathetic? and even if it didn’t, would it make him feel like he had to continue to talk to you? of course you want to keep talking to him, but only if that’s what he wants too.

you could hear him typing on his keyboard, and the faint clicking of a mouse. “are you busy?” you ask him.

“i’m just getting ready to finish some things up before i head home.”

“oh okay.” you pause. “i.. i don’t want to keep you from your work. i should probably let you go.”

“i’m the one that called you.” he laughed. “you’re not keeping me from anything.”

you weren’t so sure if that was true. you felt like a burden again. like you were plaguing him with your presence. and suddenly, your bed was calling your name again.

“i think im going to go lay down actually..” you say.

“isn’t it like morning where you are?” he asks, confused.

“yeah, i’m just feeling tired again after doing some chores.” you come up with the excuse on the spot, and you feel like it’s a good one. but your tone of voice doesn’t sell the lie to him very well.

“okay..” you thought he sounded a little sad, but you were sure you imagined it. he has to be glad to be rid of you.

“bye chan.” you say quickly, and hang up before you could bother him any more.

taglist: @thinkingaboutlana @tamlinsfiddle (red means it wouldnt let me tag you. to be added or removed, just let me know.)