#confused ranting

I think the problem is that i’m not sure how i’m meant to feel about anything. What does sexual attraction feel like? What does romantic attraction feel like? What does being cis feel like?

I used to ID as ace based on sexual repulsion, not understanding if what i felt was sexual attraction & lack of desire to do anything sexual with anyone ever. Only one of those things makes you ace though, and it’s the thing i’m least sure about. Also like...i don’t know if i feel sexual attraction to guys, but the thought of it makes me feel sick. Apparently this isn’t normal but i kinda assumed nervousness, blushing, stuttering, feeling hot = attraction although apparently you’re meant to want to talk to someone/be close to someone you’re attracted to, not leave the room? Idk though.It kinda feels like an anxiety attack. I feel no romantic attraction to guys whatsoever though but i do for girls & nb people and would rather date them/ be around them so. There’s that.

Sometimes i’m not even sure if i’m actually aro. Like, demiromantic? Grey romantic? Because i’ve definitely fell in love at least once but without having a lot of the desires stereotypical to romantic relationships. I don’t want to kiss them, or have sex with them, i wasn’t really bothered if they reciprocated as long as we remained friends... but holding hands, dates, living together, being the closest person to them? I feel that, at least in theory. In practice i don’t know if i’d actually want a sexual or romantic relationship but i’m ok thinking about it. And i definitely understand squishes and platonic relationships being different from friendships.

Then there’s the gender thing. I don’t know if the huge amount of internalized misogyny i had as a kid and teen is responsible for me feeling like i’m different from cis women. At the same time, i’m not sure if me feeling more masculine as a child was because of this same thing.Recently a family member said they wouldn’t be shocked if i turned out to be trans, so now i’m wondering what’s going on.

Am i trans? Genderqueer? Or just cis? Because i feel a connection to my assigned gender but not like i am that gender. There’s a connection there but when i try to dress up i feel like if people tell me how pretty i am or whatever i’m like ‘good, mission success, no one realized i’m not really a girl’. It’s a...kinda euphoric feeling but more about being able to pass as something without everyone noticing i’m not. I tend to avoid mirrors and photos because i don’t see a girl in them. Also i’m pretty sure my eating disorder as a teen happened because i wanted to remain as androgynous as possible (as well as trying to control a part of my life when i couldn’t control anything else. Boy i love being chronically ill and ND).

I would like to be a girl because i love wearing cute dresses and shit but i don’t feel like i am. Dressing as a guy also doesn’t work because i see the girl in the photo instead and also guys clothes are pretty plain usually even though they have great pockets. Arrgh why can’t i just look how i feel? Nothing’s right and my body is just so uncomfortable. When i was a kid i wanted a dick but now i’m kinda not as creeped out as i used to be about not having one, but occasionally my boobs still freak me out.