i don’t know how to show happiness
or lightness.
there is critically little of it in me,
yet it still exists.
you see me as happy,
but i don’t see myself that way.
as if there is only an appearance.
i feel depth.
i live in it.
that is why i am so distant from you.
meanings matter to me.
they are everywhere,
but not everyone wants to see them.
i cannot be simpler
or lighter for your perception.
to you, this is my arrogance.
to me, it is permission to be myself.
i feel lonely here.
maybe my people are not here.
i have always lived
with this sense of being misunderstood
in people’s eyes.
and i broke myself
to fit in,
but not anymore.
i would rather die free
than live in captivity.










