Mar 4, 2025
It's normal to hear about someone else's trauma and think "god I wish my trauma was that bad, then I'd have a real reason to be this messed up." Trauma is defined by its impact, not just the event itself.
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It's normal to hear about someone else's trauma and think "god I wish my trauma was that bad, then I'd have a real reason to be this messed up." Trauma is defined by its impact, not just the event itself.
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Comparing Traumas, a rant:
So many people say that you shouldn’t compare traumas, and I was thinking about how this can be illustrated, and how sometimes people can view their pain, and I wanted to elaborate on my thoughts.
Look at trauma like how you physical wounds.
Sometimes, your trauma might be a broken leg. You might need to encase it for some time before being able to talk about it, or a gaping wound. You need to let it be first in order to heal. Only then you’ll be able to touch that spot without as much pain.
Sometimes trauma is a tumor. It’s something you can’t wait to remove, something you can’t wait to spill out to a therapist, because if you don’t, it could kill you.
Now onto comparisons: Every trauma is different, like every wound. You don’t treat a broken leg the same way you treat a tumor. Therefore, the prescription for each trauma can vary.Â
Even if the pain might objectively be looked at as worse for some people than others, it’s all pain and it all needs to be dealt with, no matter what way.
If you need a cast, you need a cast. If you need a tumor removed, you need it removed. Different perceptions will breed different traumas. Not really better or worse, but just different. Because, can you really put a grade on pain?
Let’s stop thinking in terms of, “Oh this person has it worse than me” Or, “This person has it better than me” And start thinking in terms of, “I’m in pain. What can I do that can help me relieve the pain the best way that I can”
Because we’re all in pain, yet we all don’t necessarily require the same things to help it to heal. We can’t compare completely individualized experiences. You treat your pain with what you need. And everyone may need a different thing.Â
Have you noticed, that when someone is telling you about a devastating ordeal in their life, and you get horrified, pained, and overwhelmed just from thinking about it, that you always imagine how that would feel on top of all of the pain you already have? Because for you, the pain and trauma you already have, is the default state, you can't imagine someone else's pain without what's already on your plate. Whenever I feel concerned and upset for what other people have on their plates, I almost always feel that I would in no way be able to deal with that, wouldn't be able to survive it. Because I'm adding it to everything I already have on my plate, and adding more would immediately overwhelm it.
I never considered how impossible it is to accurately imagine someone else's situation, if your own is all you have to go off from. I feel it might be the reason some of us are empathic to the point where someone else's pain always seems bigger and worse than our own – because we don't consider it on its own, we add it to our own, and consider how big it would be then. We also fail to consider that our pain might be so big, that adding anything else to it would immediately be too much, it's why we're able to minimize it, we assume everyone else is already dealing with that level of pain, and then some extra on top.
That's why it might feel like we're not actually dealing with that much, when we're close to overwhelm at all times. We compare ourselves to others even unconsciously, because we're still unsure if ours is 'that bad' and if we're 'weak for not handling it better'. Enduring as much pain as possible while acting stoic is not a mission that should ever be given to human beings, especially not children. It doesn't matter if we're weak or strong, this goes against our nature. We crave reassurance and comfort and cease of pain, and that's what we should get to be healthy and well, regardless of the level of pain we're in. Being forced to not cry out, to not reach out, to not even express that we're in pain and look for someone who potentially has it worse, as a way to make ourselves feel bad about 'not being able to take it', are all unhealthy, harmful ways to live. Nobody should be conditioned to compete with how much they can endure, or believe that they're weak if they can't. Nobody has the capacity to endure all the pain at once. Nobody should be forced to act like their pain isn't there. Any amount of pain is a reason to get compassion and support. It doesn't have to be the worst pain in the world. It doesn't have to be compared to anyone's.
i think ritual abuse is horrible not as horrible as genocide, thats way worse :( i feel so much compassion for holocaust survivors
I don’t compare trauma. Survivors of trauma deserve healing, compassion, understanding, support, a safe place to rest and be without worry of their pain being compared to others.
Survivors should be 100 percent the focus of their healing without someone centering another persons or peoples struggle to minimise their pain.
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