#communication tips

First: Only engage if it is safe to do so.

Do not get into political discussions that might endanger your job, your living situation, your access to care, or your physical and emotional safety. However, do engage if you are able to do so safely and your doing so might help someone in a more vulnerable position. What the fuck is privilege for if not using it to protect people?

Second: Identify your goal.

Do you want to de-escalate a situation so someone can get out of immediate danger? Do you want to establish a boundary? Or do you want to actually attempt to convert someone over to your side? Each goal has different tactics. Be realistic with yourself about what you're going to accomplish. If you do not have a close relationship with the person, you are extremely unlikely to change their mind about anything, and it's frankly not worth the effort. Let someone who is close to them do that work. De-escalate, set a boundary if possible, and gtfo.

But if you do have a close relationship -- if this person generally likes and respects you -- then you might have a shot at challenging their views.

We're going to assume a scenario where you're dealing with people you know and who you can generally count on not to be immediately aggressive. Somebody else will be better-equipped to talk about strategies for dealing with protests and people on the street etc.

De-Escalation & Setting Boundaries

This is your first line of defense against family members acting shitty. If someone tries to start a debate, makes an off-color joke or comment, or is otherwise behaving inappropriately, try:

Let's not talk about this over dinner.

I don't think this is appropriate conversation right now.

That's an awful thing to say.

I don't understand that joke, can you explain why it's funny?

I'm sorry, I won't listen to any more of this (leave the room)

That's not okay.

What you want to do here is make an appeal to correct standards of behavior. You want them to feel ashamed for acting out of line. In order to make this work, it is essential that you:

Remain calm and keep an even, light-but-firm tone of voice. It needs to be clear that you're not joking around, but you also cannot sound upset. (Yes, this is really hard. I'm sorry.) Practice your very best "I'm not angry, just disappointed" tone for maximum effect. If you can manage it, eye contact and a neutral or even slightly concerned or sad expression will make it even better.

Avoid insulting or attacking them. Do not say things like, "Stop being an asshole" or "I can't believe you're acting like this" no matter how much you want to. Do not say "That's racist/sexist/ableist/homophobic." These types of replies, no matter how accurate, will make them defensive, and defensive people shut down and stop listening. If you come off as angry, that gives THEM permission to be angry right back. But if you come off as the normal one, them getting angry makes them look like a dick.

Do not laugh. Avoid the urge to chuckle nervously or joke it off. It WILL feel uncomfortable. It WILL be awkward as fuck. That's the point. They are misbehaving by violating a standard of appropriate behavior, and you are setting down a boundary. The awkwardness will fade and, frankly, they'll often start behaving better pretty much immediately.

Follow through on your consequences. If you say, "Dad, if you continue to bring up Trump, I will not call you anymore," you have to stick to it. Holding firm to your boundaries is HARD AS FUCK but if you don't do it then all you do is teach them that they can wear you down. Think of it like training a dog. Consistency is key.

You're not going to change anybody's closely-held beliefs with this strategy, but you WILL make a case for what is allowable around you. If you model this behavior, and encourage and embolden other people you know to do the same, you might be surprised. A lot of times, people's inappropriate behavior is a boundary-testing mechanism -- they tell the racist joke because they want to see if they can get away with it -- and if you shut them down, they often just...stop. Or at least retreat into their little hole to talk to fellow gremlins instead of you.

Challenging Views, Changing Minds

Okay. You actually want to engage them in conversation. You want to challenge their views and help them change their opinion. How do you do that?

Again, it's essential that you remain calm. If you can't have this discussion without getting heated, it's not the time to have the discussion. If they start to get heated, be prepared to de-escalate and walk away: "I cannot continue this conversation with you right now. Let's talk again some other time when we've cooled off."

But if you can keep calm, here is what actually works (sometimes):

Listen to them. No, really. Hear them out.

Help them feel heard by empathizing with them. Repeat back your understanding of what they said and how that must feel.

Remind them that for other people, THEY are feeling xyz emotion, too.

Ask them questions. Instead of telling them they're wrong, ask questions that will lead them to draw that conclusion themselves.

Make appeals to emotion rather than starting with facts and logic. You'll know what kind of emotion to draw on because you've been listening to them and empathizing. Hint: almost always, bigotry (at the personal level) is rooted in fear.

If this is going well, THEN you can start citing some sources, statistics, and facts.

Invite them to share THEIR sources with you.

Thank them for doing such a good job at being calm and discussing this with you, reaffirm your close relationship, and encourage them to come talk to you about this at any time. It's very possible that you are the only person they might feel safe bringing this stuff up to now and you want to keep that channel of communication open.

Very often (not always, or often), conservative-leaning individuals are people who lack the education or knowledge that left-leaning people do. They may be accustomed to being insulted, yelled at, and made to feel stupid. They are conditioned to believe that folks on the left are smug, holier-than-thou, stuck-up assholes. Whatever you can do to poke a hole in that perception will simultaneously make it easier to talk to them AND cause them to question that rhetoric the next time they encounter it.

This tactic won't always work. It probably won't work at all the first conversation. It's something you'll have to chip away at over time. But sometimes, it's worth it.

And if it's not? Well. As they say.

Now the first one don't panic on because I'm going to explain it, but it comes down to tone and body language.

A large majority of people I have noticed have at some point mistaken a condescending tone of voice for a soothing one, and have unfortunately taken it up as a habit. People don't like this. The second they think they are being condescended is the second the situation escalates. Some people do it mistakenly from working with children a lot, don't do this with children either, they hate it.

The first thing you are going to do is listen to yourself until it becomes habit in your work persona. If the situation is going well, you are going to as they say "keep it real." You are allowed to have a bad day, your patrons are going to think it's weird and inhuman of you if you don't, they understand this. What you are not going to do is project that, you don't always have to smile these days for most places, take a drink, count to ten, relax your shoulders, keep your manner casual, be yourself as much as you think you can. They appreciate authenticity. Most will meet you in the middle if the effort is made.

Now, say the situation is going badly... The first thing you need to realize is that it isn't about you. This patron has a million and one things on their plate, they are worried about this, that, and the other thing and they don't know you but whatever they have going with your place of business just happens to be the last straw. Here's what you are going to do. You are going to let that anger slip right by you, it isn't personal, it probably isn't even about the situation. You are going to drop your voice. Do NOT make it quieter, but make it softer, do not condescend them, do not, not even with children. People do not want to be condescended, they want to be heard. You are going to be direct, and calm. You are going to ask what is wrong, what can we do to help, use "we" if you can remember to, and you are going to listen in full. Ask any clarification questions you need to. IF the situation is something you cannot address by yourself you are going to do one of two things. "Hold on a moment, let me get someone who can help you with that who deals with these sorts of situations," professional, assures them someone who has dealt with this is coming to help them, OR, "Let me get you the card/e-mail/phone number of my supervisor, please reach out to them so they can help you with this." Again, same thing. If it is something that violates policy, you can state or show them the policy, 9 our of 10 times they won't want to read it and will take your word for it, sometimes they will ask for someone to contact, they may even leave mad, but the situation is diffused and now in their hands.

IF, it is something you can help them with, here is what you are going to do, you are going to state their options clearly, we can address this in A, B, C, manner, which works best for you?" This does a couple of things, it gives them all of the options if there is any, gives them a clear direction which pulls them out of their panic, and it places them in a spot of empowerment. You gave them what they needed, and you did it nicely.

This also works in teaching moments.

Say, for example, a patron comes in with things they need to do, they don't know how to use a computer, they are panicked, upset, and most of the time they are going to tell you they are illiterate/stupid/etc. Do not reinforce that. You are instead going to say something like "Oh, let me show you how to do that" (again, if you can't, find someone who can). If they are in a hurry they may have you do it, flustered and aggravated, let their anger go, fix the issue, most of the time they will come back and thank you and ask for you to show them how at a later date. They will remember. It's okay. If they are not in a hurry, then the best thing is for them to do it with you walking them through. If they are too upset they may have you show them the first time, this is okay too. Go slow, answer questions. What they have really told you above is "I need to do this thing, I don't know how to do it, I'm scared." For most people this is what it boils down to. Walk them through it the first time, do not say "I'm proud of you," that's cheesy, say something like "There you go! You got it!" Linger or have them do it a second time, reaffirming their actions or correcting if they stumble. Then you are going to ask them if they got it from here, if they have any questions. If they say they think they got it, then you go one step further... Tell them that you or your coworker, or whoever will be on hand will be at the desk/wherever should they have any further questions or need anything. Again, this diffuses their panic, empowers them, and then turns around and assures them that if they run into trouble they've got the help they need.

If you are not making yourself understood, stop and either take the metaphors out or throw them in, use other words, others terms, and it that doesn't work, say something like "Hey, maybe my coworker here can explain it better than I can." This happens, people understand this, people understand things differently, learn different, most people will get it.

If they are leaving, assure them they can return or give the business a call if they need something in the future.

Here is where it will get a little odd because those really grumpy patrons? They're going to start talking to you in your interactions, quite often they will start being a little pleasanter because you've put a dent in their jaded viewpoint of customer service. They may still not be so nice but they will start offering random advice or whatever else, this is them trying to reach out, try to reach back, and you'll both walk away a little better.

So, here is the thing... Keep it casual, try to soothe but not condescend in stressful situations, try and make a little small talk with regulars "Oh, I liked this book," or "Have you tried this cheese in pasta?" or "Have you heard of our app?" or some other such thing, empower your patrons, and that's it really.... Too many people see the job as just a job and the patrons become tasks instead of human beings, but they are human beings, and things go smoother when we remember that. People are just people and kids are just kids.