#comingoutasnonbinary

Dear Mum and Dad,

I have been thinking about telling you this for a little while now but I was unsure of when or how to do it. That is why I am writing this letter. I’ll get to the point; I don’t identify as [gender designated at birth/incorrectly gendered terms], but instead what is known as “nonbinary”. Basically, I don’t identify within the binary identities of man/woman and instead identify beyond that. With that, I don’t really feel comfortable being referred to as [birthname] , and would prefer for you to instead call me [new name]. I also don’t like [old pronouns] and prefer to use [new pronouns] I know this all must sound very confusing and unfamiliar but I have some resources for you to help you understand. Please read through all of this and look at the resources and links I have provided before talking to me about this.

As I said, I identify as nonbinary, which although may seem unfamiliar to you, is a totally valid gender identity. If you would like to know more about that, you can read into it here: http://queerdictionary.tumblr.com/post/9129074200/non-binary-adj. Nonbinary is just one of the ways to describe someone whose gender does not fit within the binary of man/woman. Here is an article about explaining genderqueer (a term similar to nonbinary): http://neutrois.me/2013/04/17/explaining-genderqueer-to-those-who-are-not/. Like many other nonbinary people, I prefer to use gender neutral pronouns, specifically they/them. You can read more about pronouns here: http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/09/correct-gender-pronouns-to-be-trans-ally/. And if you are having any trouble with using “they” as a singular pronoun, then feel free to read this very long, but helpful post: http://motivatedgrammar.wordpress.com/2009/09/10/singular-they-and-the-many-reasons-why-its-correct/. To put it simply, you would say “They went to the store to buy an apple. Their shirt is blue. They are nice. That phone is theirs.” If you have any more questions about how to properly use them, I am happy to help. Lastly, as I said before, I would like you to start referring to me as [new name] (and only [new name]). Eventually I will probably want to legally change my name, but we can talk more about that later.

I know this may sound scary and uncertain, and it can be, but I would appreciate your utmost support when it comes to this. I know any worry you may have comes out of concern and care for me, but all I am asking of you is to have your unconditional love and support. Even though it may take a while for you to get used to changing how you speak about and at me, it would make me way more comfortable at home if you would try to do this. Some examples include: not referring to me as [incorrectly gendered terms], [birthname], [old pronouns], etc. Instead, please try to use gender-neutral terms such as: person, our child, teen, adult, [new pronouns] and lastly, the name [new name]. This must be a lot to take in, but I will try to answer any questions you may have or direct you to any resources that may help.

If after all of this, you still have more questions or want to read more, try checking out these articles below. A lot of these tips can also help you when dealing with my friends who are trans in some way. If you still want more resources after these, I can help with that.

Here are some articles about general etiquette:

http://everydayfeminism.com/2012/07/have-in-common-with-trans-folk/

http://www.autostraddle.com/how-to-talk-to-a-transperson-76785/ (this one even starts with an intro relating to the show Bones!)

http://www.transwhat.org/allyship/

http://nonbinary.org/wiki/FAQ

This book is a good resource and can be accessed through PDF and there are helpful screenshots you can browse: http://www.thegenderbook.com/the-book/4553374748

If you want to speak with other parents, you can try going to a local PFLAG meeting. There are a few chapters around [State/City] that you can explore going to: http://pflag-chapter-map.herokuapp.com/. I have a booklet from PFLAG that can serve as a resource and a personal story from a PFLAG mom (which I can give to you if you want it). The way that she speaks about her child and their story is not perfect or without issues, but I think that it could serve as a great starting point. Many trans people do not identify with the over-simplified “wrong body” narrative and physically transitioning is not always the end-goal. Personally, I do not know what transitioning will look like for me.

I hope you understand that I still love both of you and that my gender identity does not change anything about who I am, apart from the name and pronouns that are used to describe and talk about me. I will try to be as patient and calm as possible when answering any questions you may have, but there are some things that don’t need to be asked. What I wear/my style is subject to change (as are most things in life) and how I dress is just a reflection of what I like to wear, not a secret indication of my gender. Please respect me, my name, my pronouns, and my decision to come out to you. I know our relationship has not always been the best, but I hope this does not change how you feel about me or how well we have been getting along.

Thank you for reading through all of this, although it was long. I know that Mum prefers to read up on anything she wants to learn more about so that is one of the reasons I included so many articles and links. As I said before, please read through this letter and the links I provided, and peruse through the booklet and personal story, before talking to me about this.