#comic journal

Quite a lot to drop without warning, but the people close to me know I've put an appropriate amount of thought into it. Even now, the habit tries to assert itself: head off miscommunication before it starts. But I realize now that the people who care about me have the patience to resolve miscommunications after they're made. Beats locking myself away and trying to read everyone's minds. What a miserable way to live. I don't expect to transition rapidly. I don't think I'd look good in a dress. I don't even particularly want to look feminine, and I'm not yet sure that's even possible, but all my life I have looked at masculine women with awe, so I'm not worried. Not in a hurry. she/her will probably feel right after a good long time and changes too slow to really spot. And if it never feels right, that's fine too. As for the name, Rau, Stomp has been an okay name for a while, but it's never really worked. Been a bit off. But Rau, the character, was deliberately designed for autobio comics in which parts of my history were slightly tweaked and things went just a little more how I wish they would have. At her core, her purpose has always been to represent a more ideal me. The name makes sense for me. I'm thinking I'll just change my handles on discord and such, until people naturally prefer that name for me. It's much easier than trying to force it immediately. Let the dead name die casually.

It's a weird feeling not being able to empathize with your past self. To try and recall an event, unsure if it was a few days ago or over a week. To be asked "how've you been?", during a good day in what you know has been a bad week, but you say "pretty alright!" because you can't remember what the bad felt like until it's back. Pulling up memories, but instead of recalling the feelings of joy or despair associated with them, all the snapshots are narrated with a matter-of-fact "you enjoyed yourself!" or "you didn't do much that day, except panic about something that doesn't matter now" or "you got overwhelmed, so you left." If you say so! For what it's worth, I'm doing fine! I just couldn't remember December so I make a comic about it. If anyone else is like me, then maybe you also undergo this paradox of empathizing with a cartoon animal who's living your experiences more than you do your own memories of those moments? It doesn't have to be lonely.