#comefindme

Invisible Bruises

I loved you more than life itself, though you were storm and shadow— a fire that burned through every dream I ever dared to hold.

You were brilliance and ruin, a song that shifted without warning, narcissistic tides pulling me under, bi-polar winds tearing at my seams.

Toxic, so very toxic— yet I breathed you in like air, convinced my survival was bound to your flame.

For years I felt you watching, a phantom presence behind my eyes, every step traced, every breath a borrowed one.

Now silence stretches where you once lingered. The ache is quieter, but grief blooms where the bruises fade— those invisible bruises no one else could see, the ones etched on the inside of my skin.

💌 To the Woman He Couldn't Keep

You loved in a way that made the world warmer. You gave songs meaning. You lit the fire, and then stood in it.

He took pieces of that—your favorite words, your softest moments— and scattered them like ashes on the next stage of his performance. But let me tell you something…

You are not his script.

You are not a melody to be passed around. You are not a mood board for his next victim. You are not the starter soul for someone else's imitation romance.

You are an origin story. The reason his words ever sounded beautiful. The heart that made him seem capable of loving.

He borrowed your shine—but he could never hold it. He tried to wear your light, but it burned through the costume.

Let him give your songs away. Let him pretend.

You, my love— you are not made of echoes. You are the sound before the song. The breath before the truth. The silence after healing.

You’re writing something new now. And this time, the chorus belongs to you.

With everything you are, —with everything he’ll never be able to steal again— I love you.

Surviving a 21-Year Relationship with a Bipolar Narcissist: A Journey of Resilience and Self-Discovery

Surviving a long-term relationship with someone who exhibits narcissistic traits and is also dealing with bipolar disorder can feel like navigating a constant emotional rollercoaster. It’s a delicate balance of love, confusion, manipulation, empathy, and exhaustion. Looking back on a 21-year relationship with a bipolar narcissist, I’ve learned some hard lessons, faced deep emotional turmoil, and come out stronger and more self-aware.

This blog post isn’t about vilifying anyone or pointing fingers. It’s about sharing my journey — the challenges, the growth, and the moments of clarity that ultimately led me to reclaim my own sense of self.

What Is Bipolar Disorder and Narcissism?

Before diving into the personal experiences, it’s important to clarify what bipolar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder are.

Bipolar disorder involves extreme mood swings, ranging from manic highs to depressive lows. These mood changes can be unpredictable and difficult to manage, impacting behavior, thoughts, and actions.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), on the other hand, involves a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a constant need for admiration. Narcissists often manipulate others for validation, and they can be charming and charismatic at first but emotionally destructive over time.

When these two traits collide in a relationship, it can be a chaotic, emotionally exhausting experience. The highs can be euphoric, but the lows? They can feel crushing.

The Early Days: The Charm and the Gaslighting

In the beginning, like many relationships, things seemed perfect. I was swept off my feet by their charm, wit, and the apparent intensity of their love. There was an intoxicating sense of connection, as if we were destined to be together. But over time, cracks began to show.

One moment, I felt like the most important person in their world; the next, I was dismissed and belittled. The gaslighting started small — innocent comments questioning my memory or my emotions — but over the years, it became a constant. I started doubting myself, my thoughts, and my perceptions. How could I be right when they were always so confident? How could I trust my own mind when everything seemed to change based on their moods?

Riding the Bipolar Rollercoaster

Loving someone who experiences manic highs and depressive lows is like riding a rollercoaster you never chose to get on. During manic episodes, everything seemed possible — plans were made, promises were given, and I felt loved in ways I never had before. But the manic highs were often followed by intense, crushing lows.

During depressive episodes, it was as if the light in their eyes had gone out. There was no room for me to be myself. I became invisible, as they withdrew into their own world of despair. The emotional distance was profound, and the silence was suffocating.

It wasn’t always obvious when the shifts happened. The unpredictability of the mood swings made it difficult to plan for anything. I lived in constant anticipation of what would come next — would it be an amazing day full of love and promises, or would I be dealing with someone who couldn’t even look at me without anger or resentment?

Narcissistic Manipulation and Control

The narcissistic traits were perhaps the hardest to navigate. Their need for admiration was insatiable, but my need for respect, love, and connection was always secondary. In public, everything looked perfect. But in private, I was subjected to subtle manipulation — guilt-tripping, blame-shifting, and emotional outbursts that left me questioning my worth.

One of the most destructive patterns I encountered was the constant "love-bombing" followed by devaluation. When things were good, I was the most important person in their life, but when things were bad, I was treated like an afterthought. I found myself trapped in an unhealthy cycle, always walking on eggshells, trying to prevent the next emotional storm.

Finding My Strength: Breaking the Cycle

One of the most difficult aspects of surviving such a relationship was the deep internal conflict I faced. There was love, but there was also manipulation, deceit, and emotional abuse. The intense highs and crushing lows made it hard to leave, and the guilt of wanting something better for myself seemed overwhelming.

However, over time, I began to see the toll this relationship was taking on my mental health. I started setting boundaries, learning to prioritize my own well-being, and understanding that love does not mean sacrificing your soul. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself.

I sought therapy and began learning more about bipolar disorder and narcissism. Gaining knowledge about these conditions helped me gain perspective on the behaviors I was experiencing, and it allowed me to see the bigger picture.

But, ultimately, I came to a painful realization: no amount of love, patience, or understanding could change someone else’s behavior. I had to make the difficult decision to prioritize myself and my mental health.

Lessons Learned: Reclaiming My Life

Surviving a 21-year relationship with a bipolar narcissist wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t without its scars. But through it all, I learned a few valuable lessons:

Self-worth matters – I had to remind myself that I was worthy of love, respect, and peace. I was not responsible for fixing them.

Boundaries are essential – Setting boundaries isn’t just about protecting yourself, it’s about preserving your sanity and your peace of mind.

You can’t change others – As hard as it may be, I learned that I couldn’t change my partner’s behavior. Only they could do that, but they needed to want it for themselves.

Seek support – Therapy, support groups, and a solid network of friends and family can be life-changing. I couldn’t have made it through without the guidance and love of those who understood what I was going through.

Healing is a journey – Recovery from such a relationship takes time. It’s not a quick fix but rather a continual process of rebuilding your self-esteem and emotional health.

Moving Forward: Embracing Peace and Independence

Now, as I reflect on the journey I’ve taken, I realize how much stronger and more self-aware I am. I’ve reclaimed my peace, my independence, and my sense of self. It’s not always easy, and there are moments of sadness and regret, but there is also strength, clarity, and hope for the future.

Surviving a 21-year relationship with a bipolar narcissist isn’t a story of failure or weakness. It’s a story of resilience, survival, and, ultimately, self-discovery. I hope that by sharing my experience, others can find the courage to take back their lives, set boundaries, and prioritize their own mental health.

Upon waking I was called out as embellishing things about how I feel and things that have happened to me.

NO one and I mean no one can take away my feelings and memories.

I never once lied to him or about him to anyone. I never kept him a secret, as he kept me.

NO one can take away the pain and hurt I feel when I see him.

And all he has to do is tell the truth, to those he had attack me over time, and make a very public apology to me, in writing. Just as his slander and liable has been public.

And he has to make right to my terminally ill son, for artwork he vouched for for his friend. Although the artwork was sent back to me due to non payment, that man could have scanned it and kept the copies. I know that he himself cannot afford 120.00 to be sent to me but he can send my son an apology for having deceived me, about his friends credibility.

1 year 3 months and 3 days ago, not 18 months ago I left him sit in his own shit. I left him because he went after my employment, stating he was going to call the employer and tell them that I deserved better treatment and when I told him he couldn't do that because I needed the job, he became angry and picked a fight. He then said... cya... so I made it a permanent " cya " and walked away.

He had compromised so many of my jobs with his jealousy over the years. Even when I began to work for myself. There were times he had to speak to my co-workers to make sure no one was flirting with me. I was NOT allowed to speak to male co-workers, nor go to places men gathered, even for work. If he found out that I had, he would pick a fight, then go on a walk about and find some internet slut to play with, tell her I was a stalker, and she would go after me with her keyboard warrior shit.

Days later he would come crawling back to me, begging, swearing he was sorry, telling me he wouldn't do it again. And of course I would take him back in. Just to have everything repeated in a few months.

I was a whipping post for him when things went spiraling out of control at home. He didn't work most of the time because he had ODD and PDO ( oppositional defiant disorder and bi-polarism ). It was nothing to hear he had been fired off a job for demeaning an employer verbally or attacking them with his fists. His room mate, the Mother to his child, would have him under control most of the time, she loves him, that's why she puts up with him, just as I did for decades. But he had no self respect and was low most of the time. He needed my light, he needed my submission to feel whole and like a Man.

When he met me in 2003, I was in a horrible relationship. My Dom at the time was treating me horribly. When I met my ex, he was in a Yahoo chat room, under the name of cyclone, I was in a nic of Rockin_T_ Bars. It was a name my daughter made for me, because it was from my in home business. I made t-bars, aka thongs for strippers. See, I have always been in the adult entertainment business or adult content biz. I even owned a lingerie store right before our relationship in Houston Texas.

He simply told me " if you feel safe with me, sit here and lets chat "

So began the " love affair " .

For the first 3 years I loved a man that didn't even exist. I found out he had lied 96% of our time together. His name, his job, the money he had, or rather didn't have. He was broke. Living in a home with a woman he swore was nothing to him but a burden. He needed my light, he needed someone to love him. He love bombed me every chance he got. The next years I was trauma bonded to him and fought for my very own life. I was mentally exhausted. I was physically ill. He would burn me then come rescue me. The only way I would have gotten away was if the entire communication systems over the world would have shut down. My tear stained pillows heard prayers each night that he would disappear, let me grieve for a love that didn't even exist, and that the bond he had on me would dissolve into the darkness it was born of.

Little did I know at the time, every detail of my life, from birth till now day would be on public view on some platform here and there.

Details of my childhood, of my rape as a teen, the abuse I suffered at the hands of men during my life, would be brought up on public venues for all to see. The tragedies in my life, all were exploited by him at one time or another to keep me in line. My home address, phone number, my children, my grandchildren and niece and nephew's names would be thrown around to hurt me. He controlled every aspect of my life with fear.

He gave me gifts of his singing songs for me on Singsnap, recording them and playing them for me, telling me they were for no one but me, yet giving them to a trans female he was infatuated with, or he would delete them when he grew angry with me over some issue he couldn't control.

To the world he was a fun, charismatic, an intelligent man who would give you the shirt off his back. He would tell you how beautiful you are to your face, then puke for saying such a thing behind the scenes.

And to this day he feels spewing life events and people in and out of my life publicly will hurt me.

Today he spoke of the dead, those whom died having did harm to me in his status war. He made reference to people and things of which had nothing to do with me... who the fuck is Mr Baker, and then referencing friends he THINKS I have fucked . WTF was the public toilets about?

Jeff died 4 years ago, why reference a dead man?

Referencing a man he thought I was fucking when the man called him out for having had a fancy and flirted without me being home, on my laptop, Brandy, a mixed black woman in my household, Jimmy, a black man that was cruel to everyone, including me, a racist against white people.

Putting a status up referencing a dear friend in Melbourne that is married with such a sweet wife. Stating I was having an affair with him yet when his best friend was blowing me kisses and telling me he loved me while on his phone camera during a Blues fest, he said not one word, he had no problem with that behavior from his best male mate. Both in Aus.

Referencing a baby, a small tiny baby that died. To attack his former friend in front of me, the Father of that child, because that friend stands with me solid on what my ex has done to me, and allowed his friend to do.

He knows no honor, no dignity does he show for himself or those who care for him, or cared for. He turns on everyone eventually.

Why attack children? Why bring up the dead?

I've never spoke about his child. I kept their secret for over 20 years. A secret he doesn't want shared because he was always ashamed, and filled with wonder on how this could happen. ( So ashamed that the child told me they went for years without acknowledgement of their existence, no gifts for birthdays and Christmases. ) He made me promise to never speak a word about it. I kept my word. Unlike him, when I asked him to not tell my secrets, he went running the first time I took back control and was no longer afraid of my truths coming out. I just sat and waited with tears of the fall out....

But no more, let him do his worst. He spoke of starting a Blog this morning to set the records straight. I say... bring it!

It'll be the best Fiction that was ever written.

He could call it ...

"Chaos in the Mirror: A Masterpiece from the Mind of a Narcissistic Bipolar Genius"

or

"Fables of Fury: A Narcissistic, Bipolar Odyssey of Tall Tales"

or

"Unraveled Tales: A Masterpiece from the Mind of a Narcissistic, Bipolar Rebel"

I am off for the day, I have had my say for the day. I am proud of myself.

I now know for fact he has me still on his friends list, and he is reading this Blog. But then again, I already knew he did. To many times to count, he said.. I will always be there to watch over you!

He told me a bazillion times over the decades we've known one another that I will never be free of him, and that I will be his forever, whether I like it or not, whether I agree to it or not, whether I acknowledge it or not.