#coma waering

The Angelic Process - Coma Waering

June 2008: Goodbye Kris I have not posted sooner about this because my oldest daughter was out of state and I was not about to tell her over the phone, or right before her finals started. She frequents my myspace page and anything that I said here would have been picked up by her immediately. I am thankful that she understands my reasons for waiting to tell her so we can grieve together. We are both so private about these things where we are outgoing in every other respect. I am not prepared to rip open my heart on myspace for everyone to see. I have shared anger and joy here but this devastation is my own and I am sorry for anyone who might feel slighted by that or my wish to not talk about it. I deal with it the best way I can and in whatever increments I am able to and still make it to the next day. At the end of April my husband Kris committed suicide. There are many things that I can see might have led up to the extremely depressed state that he was in at the end. Kris was on tetracycline for acne for many years, at 2000mg a day. When he and I had been together for about 6 months he decided to stop taking it because it was making his stomach hurt. After such a long term treatment of antibiotics his immune system was compromised and from that time on he stayed sick constantly, especially with food sensitivities. Many times he would just vomit until he was completely dehydrated and we'd have to take him to the hospital to be put on an IV. Nothing we tried seemed to help recover his health. Vitamins, candida cleanse, diet change, immune system boosters. You all know Kris was a musician, an amazing guitarist. He lived and breathed the music and was known to lock himself in the studio for days with no food or sleep. Years ago Kris broke his hand in a car accident... shattered it. He had to have pins in it and some extensive physical therapy to even be able to use it, much less be able to play guitar. He did recover though and gritted his way through the pain until he was able to play again. He had such an amazing music career and such wonderful dedicated friends and fans that were moved by his work. He had no hobbies, no other real interests. His world was me, my 2 daughters, and the music. He was dedicated to all so completely. Last summer Kris re-broke his hand, and from the way his hand was before there was no such thing as a minor break and the only way to even hope for getting it to heal cleanly was more surgery and probably much more physical therapy. He didn't want to go through it again and seemed to have some hope for a while that after the pain stopped maybe he could just work his way back up to being able to play again. For almost a year he had not touched an instrument. A couple months before he died he started playing again but instead of it giving him some peace as I had hoped it would he was frustrated and dissatisfied with what he was writing. I tried so hard to encourage him and assure him that he was just getting back into it and he just had to let his hand find its place again but I think it was his mind and heart that weren't the same. The music he was writing was different. I thought it was very good but to him it wasn't The Angelic Process so it was substandard. That's when the depression seemed to kick into high gear. Kris had always been clinically depressed and even suicidal for years with multiple attempts and plans. He told me when we got together that I had saved his life because before we met he had been days away from ending it all. That was really the last time he directly talked to me about suicide. In the end he was just locking himself away in the studio or completely passed out asleep. The music meant so much to him and he wanted so badly for it to feel the same. Unfortunately I started missing him before he was even gone. I was so sure he was going to pull out of it like he had before... just another roller coaster ride and things would start looking up. I've said enough now. It is incredibly difficult to share this. We had such a happy beginning and even through the subsequent cycles he went through we were so much in love with each other. I will love and miss him for the rest of my life.