As I’m writing this it is currently March 22nd and it has been a few days since the announcement of school closures in the U.K, along with the bittersweet cancellation of exams. For days this possibility was flung around my a-level classes as we debated what would happen to our qualifications, however cancellation always seemed like an extremely unlikely outcome- I mean it took the UK long enough to close schools why would they cancel exams? But they did, and now thousands of yr13′s are probably facing their own fears and problems as a result.

Personally, I honestly don’t know how I feel, despite taking a few days to think about this before writing this post. On one hand I’m relieved, heck- I probably dodged the most stressful, gut-wrenching weeks of my life, many students in other years would kill to not have to do exams. Truthfully, I would’ve probably been in the category if I wasn’t a yr13. But I am, which means the downside is also very prominent. Much information hasn’t been given about how grades are going to be established but from what we know so far it is going to be in the form of a predicted/calculated grade consisting of an assessment of previous attainment, mock results and teacher opinion. Whilst this doesn’t sound too bad to me as I hope I have demonstrated a similar level of merit to the grades I would want, there are still many possibilities where this system could ultimately fail- but I guess that is for exam boards to figure out. 

To me the emptiness I feel has been much stronger than my fear for grades, surprisingly, as I want to apply to one of the most competitive courses in academia (we love the stress of med school applications) Instead it is very much the fact that it feels as if something personal has been ripped away from me. I’m disappointed that I will not be able to have the satisfaction of working hard in the last few months to the lead up to exam season, I will not be able to enjoy the last few days of college in the summer with all my friends, I won’t be able to walk out of my last exam with a true sense of accomplishment. I also won’t be able to experience prom (to be fair this isn’t yet confirmed to not be taking place, but my suspicions are that this won’t go ahead) something I have looked forward to for ages. Exams were always such a definite thing, a beacon of security one might say. Whatever happened, no matter how many mental breakdowns, career changes or parties happened during the year, you knew that May was exam season and there was not much you could do about it (except get hit by a bus- a possibility I have heard many of my peers jokingly debate (: ) Yet in a single day, this security was crushed and what has been left is an empty void of 16 weeks- which would’ve been incredible if it wasn’t for self-isolation: think of all the times you could hangout with friends. But we are all responsible and self-isolating- even though it is the most boring time of my life and I’m on day 2.

This whole feeling is probably magnified thanks to my personal need to be constantly working towards something, a project, an A-level, a piece of Art. So now I find myself just *existing*, jumping from reading to YouTube to Netflix to Instagram. Thanks Tiktok for ruining my attention span- I’ve recently realised watching a full movie is an extraordinarily long process which explain why I don’t watch films unless it is at the cinema- but that’s a whole other problem.

In one way I want to leave school so that I can go to College & have more independence.