#collegeedna

Second semester grades were much better than first. However, my mental health was completely nonexistent as I pressed the submit button on my last finals paper. I was broken, pissed, and absolutely obliterated. I didn’t get an internship in finance while my friends all got internships at hedge funds, microfinance centers, and big banks. My GPA is so low; I’m not sure what to do anymore. 

A part of me wants to transfer but I’ve learned more about myself at Bryn Mawr than I have in the past 18 years of my life when I wasn’t at Bryn Mawr. I have become so much more rational, more focused, and extremely ambitious. Guys rejecting me no longer make me feel incompetent. I don’t priorities partying as much anymore as I learned more about my school’s library system. Plus, a teacher really installed self confidence in me, even though she caught me drinking in class. 

I keep telling myself that my second year is going to be much better, and I fear that I’ll repeat the same mistakes again.

Until then,

It is now the end of my first semester and I’ve never been more exhausted. I got my first ever C; I don’t think I’m going to get credit for my language class. I’m just numb, desensitized, and burned out. 

So this semester I decided to have a social life. I never went to a party in high school because I thought that was what the popular kids; however, when I got to college I realized everybody partied and so I went out. I developed a love for vodka and any liquor that I could get my hands on. The magical clear liquid seemed to put my problems on hold for the duration in which I was drunk. Drinking was what I looked forward to on the weekdays when I was in Canaday crying. 

Tinder is probably the best confidence booster. It’s exciting when an adorable boy from Penn thinks you’re cute too. The simple act of swiping right can lead to long conversations about societal norms and friendships. I caught feelings for two boys that did not end so well :/ I am currently talking to another guy who is completely different from the first two. However, I don’t want to have any expectations because I don’t want to be hurt again. 

I finally got therapy! Since I am a low-income student, therapy is free at my school! At first I thought I was wasting my time talking to the psychiatrist, but as I reflect back, I notice such an improvement in my mental health. I credit my psychiatrist and my environment for the improvement. There’s still a void for me to fill, but at least I’m on a journey to recover! 

I don’t want to dwell too much on the bad parts of this semester. I just want to acknowledge the unfortunate circumstances that took place and move on. 

With that being said, 2016 was a year on humbling me. It was a year of self discovery and self reflection. It was the year that I improved myself. It was the year I kicked myself out of my comfort zone and then realized that the comfort zone was too far away from me. 

Best,

-I have been assigned to Denbigh, D3 to be exact! I’m super excited but super nervous at the same time because I’ve never been on campus. 

-This month went by way too quick. A part of me is happy to leave home but I am anxious at the same time. 

-My second month of summer is going well. My mom drove three hours to get my thyroids checked because all the doctors around me don’t accept my insurance. I’ll be getting a biopsy soon to see whether or not it’s malignant.

- College is less than a month away and I am so scared. I am scared about leaving my hometown, moving away from my mother, and exploring new areas without my friends. 

- My doctor found nodules in my thyroid and I couldn’t stop crying because I am so scared.