#codependency for dummies

...Codependents develop a persona in the world that reacts to others, to their own self-criticism, and to their imagined ideal of who they should be. To be acceptable to others and to themselves, you hide who you are and become who you aren’t. You may not even be aware of how self-critical you are but suffer the “tyranny of the should’s” — a phrase coined by psychoanalyst Karen Horney (pronounced “Horn-eye”). Even though you may not relate to this, it still operates beneath your conscious awareness. You may only be aware of your persona ... and nothing on the inner circles.

Codependency is a particular kind of dependence. It’s insidious and powerful. It robs you of joy, peace of mind, and the ability to have sustained, loving relationships. It affects your relationship with yourself and limits your flexibility and the natural flow of relationships with others, including giving and receiving love and support and the ability to communicate, compromise, and problem-solve.

In the late stage of recovery, your self-esteem and confidence return. You’re empowered to pursue your own goals and are more expansive, creative, and spontaneous. You desire to fully express yourself for the sheer joy and freedom of it. As your focus shifts away from someone outside yourself, you fully understand that your happiness doesn’t depend upon others, and you no longer have a desperate need to be in a relationship.

Blaming others and external circumstances denies your power to effect change and achieve happiness. Even if you’re a victim of abuse, you find the power to change your circumstances and responses when the center of control shifts from the perpetrator to yourself.

The middle stage is where most of the work of recovery takes place. You begin to practice nonattachment and grasp your powerlessness over others and your addiction. As the focus on yourself grows, so do self-responsibility, self-awareness, and self-examination...

Some recovering codependents choose to leave an abusive or painful relationship as an act of self-preservation. Remaining in such a relationship may also pose health risks from the chronic stress. Separation doesn’t have to lead to isolation. It’s untreated codependency that can cause people to isolate. In contrast, recovery helps individuals cope with loneliness in healthy ways by reaching out to others. The goal is to create healthy, nurturing, interdependent relationships. Thus, recovery from codependency doesn’t necessitate ending a relationship to become independent. The aim is to be able to function better and to enjoy more intimacy and independence in your relationships.

Karen Horney, referred to as the first feminist psychoanalyst, was one of the leading proponents for self-actualization. Horney broke with Freud on many issues and believed that children have a fundamentally good “real self,” which thrives in a healthy, empathic, and supportive environment. Natural striving to actualize their true nature can be thwarted due to poor parenting and cultural influences; however, self-awareness can go a long way to unshackle the real self from those negative influences, allowing it to flourish.