#clxiv

Girl from Port Kar, I'm so sorry. I wish you could see how my disgust with myself reaches down to the depths of my heart and into my soul and makes me feel permanently sick

I'm not inherently a bad person I try to be good but I make mistakes I make mistakes all the goddamn time and I'm trying to be better

I can't believe I hurt you like that but I refuse to go into denial because what good is it to deny something that you saw with your own eyes?

I stabbed you in the back hard.

I held the blade, wiggled it in front of your face, making you think about the possibility and consider honestly what would and wouldn't be okay to happen

And you told me and I knew explicitly what they were and it didn't seem to really matter in the end.

I don't have any explanation. I was drunk, I was horny, and I stopped thinking. A dangerous combination.

How could I possibly feel remourse if I would throw something these friendships, these precious and wonderful and close friendships away like that, so callously, with a single action?

I don't know what to tell you, beautiful girl from Port Kar. I don't know what to tell myself

All I know is that I wish I could take it back I wish I could rewind time and make the right choice

But I can't and this is all I really have in reality.

And I'm so sorry. You probably don't believe me but I'm so fucking sorry.

You've been nothing but amazing and wonderful to me, and then I go and do this shit to you and ruin our friendship and potential decades of companionship and understanding and love

in a single sweeping instant

There's nothing else I can say other than I'm so sorry and that no, it wasn't worth it and that I don't know what I was thinking -

I wasn't thinking.

And I'm so sorry.

There's a word for what I am: Homewrecker. And I know it.

I begged the universe for your forgiveness last night even though I know I don't/will never really deserve it

Instead I know (and it's callous to say, because of what we all just went through) what I deserve is to die, and my thoughts keep straying idly to the gun we keep in the closet

If it would make anyone feel any better If it would fix any part of this shitty situation I would wrap my brain around a bullet and bleed for my numerous sins.

But that's not a thing that would really help anybody and until somebody tells me differently I'm going to continue to let them carry me

I'm so sorry. It shouldn't have happened and I could just scream and cry and wish to decompose for the rest of forever until I no longer exist.

Hands down, this is the the worst decision I've ever made and I'm so sorry that the decision that holds that title had to be one that affected anyone, especially you, you upstanding dweller of Port Kar, like that

It wasn't worth it and I don't have words and I've exhausted my spool of the thin thread of sanity