#clingyloser

Who wants to be the artist to my canvas

Can you forgive me for being someone like me? Thank you for being my small but wonderful audience to witness my destruction ,, being the victim of my trivial emotions. The world has been a fantastic place to be, I have a roof above my head, 3 meals a day, I should be grateful. But ,, I do not feel anything.

The days I feel happy, I don't feel like I deserve them, the days I feel the lowest I am selfish. How dare someone like me feel that way. How disgusting. Is it tolerable for you to remember me as a happy person? Not someone who is depressed all the time? The happy and cute Rui who will comfort you, and not the one who threatens their demise all the time?

Jiraiblr has done nothing but give me amazing friends to last me until now, even though right now there are a ton of issues we need to work on, I feel like at least the small group of friends I made here made me feel better about myself, even by a little bit.

I felt like I could be my true self here, and it helped me cope with life in general. The future is hard, I didn't expect to make it this far, really. I know not many people will see this, since I am someone who does not post often anymore due to personal reasons.

As I said before, "Its not the world its never anyone else it's always fucking me who is the issue, the problem", I feel like I'm playing victim every time I vent. It feels insincere. Im so pissed off about me, about who I became, everything.

But life is that way isnt it? You think you are one thing but you are the other, and now you need validation to survive. At least it is that way for me.

@jirai-ame-is-back-again , I really looked up to you, so you can imagine my surprise when you said I was cool as well. From the start you followed me, and I'm sure you do the same for others, but it really made me happy. Ame, I know there is a lot of things going on right now, but I know you can do it. I believe in you.

@thegirlneurotoxin ,, I'm sorry for being so indecisive, I'm sure you can easily find someone who is way cooler than I am to be interested in. I also looked up to you a lot, so when you first interacted with me with the gachiakuta post, I was really really hyped did you know? When you asked to match icons, I was really happy. It made my day.

@drainedblood ,, I know we only talked on mastodon, but I also super duper looked up to you kai!! I'm really happy we had a ton of conversations there, big brother kai. I love you a ton!

@ch3rrygrave ,, when I first talked to you on mastodon, I was really nervous if you could tell, I'm glad I was able to easily talk to you, and it made me super duper happy, I love you a ton.

@yandukz ,, my super close friend, I think, my first ever close friend on tumblr, I'm sorry for worrying you a lot, I really do appreciate you, I'm sorry for not responding, I don't have the energy to do so most of the time. Ducky forever

@mikaeliasx ,, mika, you are the cutest silliest one I've met here, I love you a lot. sorry for not interacting with you often recently, I really do love you.

@emeruniii ,, even though we don't interact much, you made sure to dm me when I was struggling a few days ago, and I really reallyy love you for that. It helped me get back to my senses.

@y0ur-valent1ne ,, hi there mootie!! I know we don't interact with eachother much, but I see you interacting with my beloved loser friend a lot, and I thank you for it. He needs all the interaction he gets. I really do appreciate you a lot for that.

@pinkbowlovesyou ,, Eldie, I love you a ton, sorry for not responding much as of late as well, and worrying you, I know you are still asleep when I post this, I hope you sleep well.

@s3rialexperimentsmanii ,, Manii, I love you a ton, I don't know why you love me too, but I really find you wonderful to be around, sorry for always worrying you. I promise I'll try to be better

@c4lm-storm ,, I love you a ton Yuki!! Sorry again for not responding much on jiraidon!! I love you a ton too, sorry for being such a pathetic little loser hehe

@cherie-cr4sh ,, did you know I was straight out of the shower when I did the spam war with you ww, it was super fun, and I love how you blog and your outfits!! I sometimes see them on my page, and I forget to like..

@highclasshomosexual ,, izumi, I know I haven't talked to you much, but I love love you so much!! I find you super duper silly and remember, your yumes are all canon!!

@bruisingporcelain ,, hi dolly,, I did take my meds today as promised. I might struggle to keep taking them, but I will do my best. I love you a ton, especially talking to you on discord, calling, and more. You make me really happy.

And the rest of my mutuals, I don't talk to as much, but remember, I love you all dearly. Thank you for always being there for me. This isn't a goodbye post yet.

May all of you meet your darling(s), or find peace within yourselves if you want. If you want to be destructive, we can explode landmines together!! I can't believe I made it this far, did you know I originally had a jirai account last year?

That account is long deleted but, I had a similar username, and I believe I didn't get a single follower on that account, that's how small I was.

Every single notification makes my heart filled with love. Oh and, sorry if I pinged you and you didn't want to be pinged.. I'll delete your ping if you don't like it!

And Renny, if you dare to even do anything remotely to hurt yourself, I will find you and be really upset.