#clearmood

I guess I woke up a little heavy hearted. From day one, I never felt like I belonged in his family. Mainly because they didn't know about me until I popped up like a bad habit almost 5 years ago. I understood, they hold him to a certain level that they didn't feel I could reach. I mean c'mon, why would he "settle" for a Fayetteville bred country girl who fled to Japan to marry the guy she was so in love with after only knowing him for a few months online...thank you Myspace. Truthfully, I feel like I've paid my dues though. Not that I'm supposed to care what others think, but it does feel nice to be liked. You're naiive if you think otherwise. I've been away from my family for what feels like an eternity now. When him and I took a hiatus (I walked away because I realized I wanted more than to be just his wife. I wanted a name for myself) his family took it pretty hard. I'm sure some felt they were right in telling him a few years back that it wouldn't last. Some may have even been relieved. Some were disgusted at me that I could leave him just like that.

I come from a family of divorce. No one in my family is together. I'm used to living in a broken home. I wanted differently for myself. I never was the one who could play Betty housewife and dedicate all my time into stroking a man's ego. I had no idea what that was like. I felt if I wasn't appreciated, then I would appreciate myself; work for myself; LOVE myself.

Anyhoo, after two years of separation, two ex's on both of our behalf's, we decided to give it another try. Have I always loved him? Of course. Not only did he give me the most amazing gift in life, my daughter, but I sacrificed  so much for him. I mean for God sakes, I left North Carolina when I was barely 20, cane bound and scared out of my mind. Did he cheat? Yes. Did he lie? Yes. Did he even steal? Yes. Am I a saint? Hell No. We still decided to start over. Guess life is funny like that.

It hurts to know that my family is so supportive in whatever (and I do mean whatever) I do. It hurts mainly because I guess I want the same support from his side. I find myself daily praying to let go of anger towards people in his family. I find myself in tears because, until yesterday, he never stood up for me to his family. I always go to bat for him. I never made him feel less of a person when it came to my family. Hell, they treat him as royalty. Forgive me for wanting to be treated as a human being. I have to see his family all the time. Don't like me? Cool. I can live with a few people not liking me. I used to get picked on in high school. I'm a tough cookie now. But respect me? I think, especially because I'm a good mom, I'm not in the streets, I take care of my home and myself and I continue to strive to be a positive role model in my daughters life...I deserve respect.

Forgive me for being selfish or overly confident, but not many could or would go through what I have and still make it out with a smile.

I guess I'm just hurt. I don't want to come in between his family and him. That's not fair and all it does is cause wrinkles. But I sure as hell don't want to be treated like a red headed step child...

...by the way, I love red heads.