#cleaningadventures

Okay, story time.

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself standing in the middle of my vacant apartment, staring blankly at four walls and a floor that had somehow evolved into its own small ecosystem. No, really—this place had more bugs than an entomologist’s convention. I knew I had two choices:

Pretend I didn’t see them.

Actually do something about it.

Spoiler: I went with option 2, because my crippling sense of responsibility doesn’t allow for passive neglect. But also because… I wanted to test if I could survive without hiring an exorcist. (Just kidding. Kind of.)

Enter my now-infamous self experiment, documented in full glory in How To Clean A Vacant Apartment Of Pests: 5 Secrets Unveiled.

The Moment of Truth

If you’re imagining me heroically suited up like a pest-fighting ninja, you’re not wrong. Gloves on, mask secured, armed with cleaning sprays, duct tape, and an irrational amount of vinegar, I dove in. But it wasn’t as simple as a quick wipe-and-go. Oh no. I uncovered secrets (real secrets) that I now generously share in my guide.

For example, did you know that one of the most effective methods involves strategically placed sticky traps… while simultaneously blasting classical music to psychologically intimidate the cockroaches? (Okay, I might have made up the classical music part, but it felt right.)

My Biggest Moment

At one point, I encountered what I now refer to as The Supreme Spider—absolute unit, bigger than my hand, and clearly mocking my existence. How did I handle it? Full details are, of course, in How To Clean A Vacant Apartment Of Pests: 5 Secrets Unveiled, but let’s just say I approached the problem like a scientist performing a very questionable experiment.

Spoiler alert: It didn’t run away.

What I Learned

Pest infestations do not respect boundaries.

You will question your life choices.

Some of the “secrets” are surprisingly effective.

If you ever find yourself staring down your own bug army in a vacant apartment, you should absolutely check out How To Clean A Vacant Apartment Of Pests: 5 Secrets Unveiled—unless you want to become one with the spiders. In that case, carry on.

The Moral of the Story