#claytonswrath

Get up, pushed down; Get up, punched down; Get up, let down. It doesn’t matter the facet of life it is coming from, they all seem to have one thing in common: they love seeing me get back on my feet.

It has gotten to the point to where I don’t give a fucking shit about what life is going to throw at me. No matter fucking what, I always, always stand back up.

Not only is it in my nature, but it’s my fucking personal motive to NEVER let a single thing keep me on my back - I refuse to be on anything except my feet. I will not allow something as the simplicity of life scare me into death, or wanting death. I will not allow it. I cannot.

For once in my 24 years revolving around this star we call the Sun, I actually feel I may have gotten a hold of the reins to my life; and holy shit - I will never let go.

Being in control of a situation is truly empowering; Being in control of yourself is the most liberating feeling a human can have.

At this point, I have come across many cross-roads in my life... I have chosen very wise paths, and some very, very wrong ones; but walking down this path now... It seems right. It seems like I am actually moving forward, instead of just coming to another set of cross-roads.

Never, for one fucking single second, doubt your life or your purpose here. Every decision you’ve made, every page that has been turned in your book, and every chapter that needs to be re-written... all of that makes us. It makes us truly Human.

And, I for one, say its about damned time we grasped our Humanity as a whole - not as individuals.

After all, we are all Human. We are all alike. We all aspire. We all crave the challenge and the change to make us better than we were before. That’s all this is. It’s just life testing you again and again and again. One day life will kick you in the ass, until then you better stay on top of it.

 YOU BEING ALIVE DOES NOT BURDEN ANYBODY.

Re-read that. Again and again. Memorize it. Write it down. Sculpt it into your very fucking soul.

At the very end of it all - at the time you are supposed to depart from this existence, I have one question I want you ask yourself when it is that time:

Did you live and love to the fullest extent of your physical and mental capabilities? Do you regret the decisions that you made, the ones that brought you this far?

Never tell me that you didn’t do well in life. You being born is a fucking pure testament of you doing well in life. So many mammals die at birth. We are the lucky species to have the knowledge to save most.

But you see, not everyone or everything is as lucky. So count your days, the books you read, the people you’ve hugged, the people that actually considered you for a person and not as a usable thing.

Because in the very fucking end, all you have is yourself.

Me and my bestfriend could be falling for each other, although we both have said we aren’t tryna make it to be that way. I mean shit, we’ve slept in the same bed together a lot, and we haven’t even cuddled. Literally just sleep in the same bed for the sole comfort of sleeping with another human.

Life is good, I suppose. Stressful, but good.

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in the past few months, but I have however, made a lot of life changing good ones.

That makes up for the bad ones, right?

Me and my closest friend (more like brother) and his wife have recently moved into(renting) a house, which is fucking awesome. But the stress comes from proving to myself that I can actually put money away and pay for my bills. I believe I can do it, as my parents have raised me well. I cannot take any credit personally for the way I have turned out as a man; I am a shitty person.

I dream about people I shouldn’t dream about any longer, and that truly bothers me: the past is the past, and I am not going that way anymore.

All in all, the next few months - and the rest of the year - will prove interesting. Perhaps I will find somebody to be with or perhaps I will just improve as a human being.

I just have to move my computer and my cat, the two most important things in my life.

I’m physically and mentally drained to the point where I’ve been caught falling asleep pretty much anywhere I allow myself to take a moments rest.

Two of my closest friends whom have been dating and living together for the better part of 4 years, are no longer together... I’ve learned much about them both, however, I have chosen a side - or at least, my Pisces intuition has.

I am still working my 6 day work-week, and I will close in on 39 hours.

The only day I have off is Monday, and this up-coming Monday is already filled with errand runs and unpacking.

I need a beer and a blunt, but alas, I have no time for either...

Decisions that have changed me. Ones that have most likely changed the way my friends and family view me as a person. On Wednesday, I made the choice to drive while very, very intoxicated. Luckily I had the sense to pull over before I hurt anybody, or myself. I was very lucky.

But it made me realize that one small bad decision can lead to an even bigger one - and that you should never, EVER think you can do something when your gut tells you otherwise.

I feel incredibly disappointed with myself, almost to the point of being disgusted with myself as an individual. I have never felt this low in my life, even more so when I lost the one that I love due to my own in-action. There’s nothing on this Earth right now that can pull me out of this trance of self-hatred and destruction... except for my soul desire to prove to myself that I am better than this.

I am better than this. I will not let my bad decisions or my losses or my inability to cultivate relationships - or sustain them, dictate the way that I live my life.

I will move on, and I will improve the conditions of this life and I will defeat this depression that has been devouring my life for the past 10 years.

My life is good. However, I know that if I tried harder it could be better... and I have no idea how to try harder than I already am.

I need to leave my current job and find something that suits me.

I really want to move out (again) but it seems like the Universe is against us in that respect.

I feel like... and I honestly feel and believe this: if I found someone that I love and that loved me just as much - we could be living in a one bedroom apartment together easily.

Fuck. I am hardworking - I work 6 days, 38 hours a week. I am so close to living on my own... but I don’t want to do it by myself. Is it so much to ask the Universe to actually send positive vibes my way? I never ask for much... I just ask to be happy for once.

It’s now 3:56 and ‘I miss you’ by Blink-182 just came on iTunes,

I mean shit, I have a fucking travel plan planned out (short of the exact places I will sleep at).

I just need the money and preferably somebody to travel with me and has the same desire to learn about the world that I do.