#cladohearted

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I remember in music class my teacher showed us this sound humans could only make when they're relaxed and I remember being super happy because it felt pretty close to purring and I could finally purr like a cat

I did it everywhere, in my other lessons in the cafeteria and at home. I stopped because I could tell that other people where getting annoyed and I didn't want to upset anyone. And eventually I forgot how to do it

I'm not really upset about that. I think maybe i'd like to do it again but then again, maybe not

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I like to crochet and once I tried to make a cat glove except I got the stitches wrong, and made it oversized. I found it funny, so I took a picture and sent it to my sister with the caption "Hey, I think I'm a furry now!!" as a joke her response was "I'm not surprised" which shocked me honestly. I didn't really think of myself as a furry. I knew that i really like animals - especially cats and foxes and that I liked them more than normal people, most of whom just have a passing interest, or like them as pets but I didn't think I was a furry.

Even back then I knew the awful depictions of furries weren't true and I had a lot of admiration for the community, which is full of lovely people and amazing artists, but there was still a bit of a divide between me and them because i never really felt like a fan of cats even though i never really felt like a cat either I was in this inbetween zone. So I just admired the community as an onlooker And cheered them on from the sidelines.

I actually do have a fursona. back when i was still trying to figure things out i made one, thinking it could help -  She doesn't have a name, but she's a white rabbit she's very small and very promiscuous. she's functionally a representation of whatever sexual urges and inclinations i have, because of rabbit stereotypes and because at the time, they made me uncomfortable so i separated them from myself in order to cope.

(i like to joke that I'm "theoretically a slut" because I'm fine with loads of BDSM stuff in theory but I hate people touching me in practise so I couldn't possibly do anything I imagine.)

i feel a bit bad about it now because i feel like im feeding into furry stereotypes or negative assumptions, but having her here is comforting it gives me a way to step back and evaluate myself more, like looking at your computer that is doing something you can't explain and talking yourself through fixing it. neither me nor her need fixing but it's nice to have someone to talk to sometimes

does she actually count as a fursona?? I'm not sure anymore she's literally just an animal that lives in my head and thumps her feet sometimes and I'm sure fursonas are more than that. she doesn't talk or have a humanoid body or interact with anyone else

but she's mine and i'm passively looking forward to the day where I can accept myself as I am and we can become one whole person again, even though i will miss her when she is gone.

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i have an oral fixation (even though i hate calling it that) and an urge to bite and chew on things. I've gotten chewlery in the past but it never felt right and i can't find anything i really gravitate to so i just gave up. i chewed gum for a while but i kept forgetting to buy it. eventually I think it manifested  as a constant appetite because now I can't stop chewing

when i was younger and restless i used to go into my mum's room and gnaw lightly and suck on her arm while she was doing work. I think she let me because i was always the odd ball of the family and I wasn't actually hurting her or disturbing her. I grew out of it, as I did many things, so she never got a chance to get mad.

i don't bite on stuff anymore but i spend my time imagining biting hands to get someone's attention or gnawing on the poles of my bedframe or chewing giant human-sized - human-edible dog treats while in bed.

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my affection is cat-like too. i'm a very huggy person and frequently bother my mum for hugs and cuddles even though im thinking about weaving between legs and licking cheeks like cats do.

i used to think that pressing heads together and looking into each others eyes was one of the most intimate things you could do.

that hasn't changed but i found a new word for it bunting, like the ribbon you put up to announce a celebration.

whenever i look at my family i think "Ah~ I wish i could nuzzle against them and press against them and be pet like cats do" but I can't so i hug them instead.

even though its not what i instinctively go towards hugs aren't inferior to head pads and cuddles and bunting just a different way to show the same thing

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it's a bit embarrassing to walk on all fours as an adult especially when  i don't have a good enough "reason" to (even though i don't need one). my behaviour doesn't have to be justified if it's only bringing joy to myself and no harm to others

even so i dislike doing it around other people, luckily i never get the urge to except when i do.

during christmas i was with my family at a hotel and i had the urge to walk around on my hands and legs so i did. i think i annoyed my siblings but they weren't too upset, and my mum was amused and scratched my head.

still, i wish i didn't do that if only to keep some amount of human dignity.

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i wish i could feel fingers scratch around the base of my ears and tail but I recognise that feeling hands touch you where there are none is probably not the best thing so I try not to wish too hard lest it becomes real

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i heard of this girl whose parents bought her a human sized dog bed when she asked for it and i wanted one too. i thought "wow, that's so cool! if I layer blankets over it,  it'll be like a real nest" unfortunately, human sized dog beds aren't cheap but the trend of wanting human-sized animal things probably won't go away anytime soon

i wanted a muzzle for the longest time but i kept getting frustrated because the only ones i could find didn't have that "muzzle" shape and only followed the gentle curve of a human mouth and chin - eventually, like so many other things i gave up finding one I actually liked.

obviously, cat ears and tails are something that i like and i've seen so many beautiful ones all of which are too expensive for me. i bought a lovely pink and blue one from a lesser known artist at a convention And I love it. I live with my mother so I don't wear it around the house but even if I did I suspect that it wouldn't scratch that itch that forms at the top of my head every so often.

eventually I want to start making my own cat ears and tails and fursuits purely because the making process is so intricate and the end result so beautiful i want to make something that pretty too

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it may come as a surprise to some people, but i'm fine with my human body. i don't hate it, and i acknowledge it could be better - i could eat healthier exercise more have better hygiene - but overall, i'm oddly in love with this part of myself

but still i don't think i'd mind having different ears and tails and fur and being smaller powerful enough to jump high and strong enough to defend myself i think being a cat would be perfect for me, even though being human is arguably the better experience, but i understand that life isn't fair and so i will try my best with this form and go as far as i possibly can into happiness

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I also don't know what kind of cat I'd be. I don't have a proper sense of what breed or fur colour or eye colour or age weight height cat me would be. the closest descriptor I have is "housecat" which, for the depth of my experiences, feels odd

i should know more but part of me doesn't actually care. part of me - which i think is actually the cat part - just wants me to continue on with my life be carefree and not fuss at all. but the human part - that desires labels and rules and a neatly signed contract - spends its time fussing over who I am and what this means for my existence.

for this alone I like my cat side more the side of me that is  willing and waiting to let go and just be

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All this to say please don't mistake me for a therian or otherkin or similar because I am not. all those people have a wealth of experiences and feelings and thoughts that I do not share and I am not privy too because like it or not I AM NOT A CAT and I don't think I ever will be.

i think those communities are amazing a swirling pot of similar experiences of communication and people forming friends and bonds and belonging.

I also find them intimidating the human side of me - that hates talking and people and wants to sit in a bubble all day eating fruit and letting the world around them crumble to dust - is worried about what this will mean, what this will tell us about myself.

and the cat side of me - that loves people and socializing and finding out about what unique perspective each person brings to the world we live in - worries about being accepted about finding people for me in a way that she hasn't before.

but both of them agree that even if I find answers to my questions, even if I go looking and finally find people who feel the same things I feel, at the end of the day i am still in this body and have to work in human jobs and study human subjects and eat human foods, and, not to toot my own horn but, I am getting better at blending in. (this I am proud of I have worked very hard for this)

and so because i can i am going to put this in a little box, or write it down in a diary, or whisper it into my phone, and tuck it away in the back of my mind. not forever just until my to-do list runs out of higher priorities, and i feel safe enough to open that box and explore the possibilities.

because i am lucky enough that waiting  will not take my life

because I know that whatever form I have I am still me

because I know that I am not only this but a wealth of other experiences and loves and hates and curiosities that will only keep on growing