#circusfairy

it’s definitely not just thinking about my friend that’s been dead for almost 5 years. i was sad before. but listening to the kh3 soundtrack just. unlocked the waterworks. for no reason really. ive been consuming kh stuff fine for years. it’s usually a trigger for me thinking about sharfi, but enough time has passed that it doesn’t usually hit me so hard anymore. but i guess since i was already kind of down this evening, finding out the kh3 soundtrack released, rather than being a happy thing, just fucking plummeted my mood

i mean it’s still a happy thing. its just...making me wish they were alive. like very much. 

it’s been almost five years. good grief.

There’s a swing in my kitchen, it’s a big woven basket swing set in a curved frame. it’s lovely and fun to sit in. the swing is on the other side of the counter by the door to the outdoor deck. as i’m getting the bag of cereal out of the box to open it (brand new box) I can see this swing. 

When sharna came to my house, they loved that swing. i remember standing exactly where I was standing now, watching them swing around as we talked. we were talking about akuroku, I remember. how we both always shipped it and still liked it but now found it uncomfortable to think of the pairing in sexual ways, because of the age difference. we started talking about how as you get older, those things matter more to you, and you become more aware of the difference in maturity. I remember that conversation so well. 

so I’m standing here, trying to pour cereal, in the same spot where I stood when Sharfi was there, and I can’t get this bag open. I’m tugging, and tugging, and there’s no strength in my arms. and i’m doing that thing when your face feels like it’s about to cry but nothing’s happening. and i can’t open the bag. 

I walked upstairs. walked back downstairs. 

opened the bag, poured my cereal. 

came back upstairs. cried.