Faith.
'This is goodbye, you know,' The words hung heavy in the air between them. For a moment, the only sound to be heard was the rhythm of their own breathing, and the faint whirl of passing cars through the open window. But Ciel's words still seemed to echo off the walls, reverberating around their minds. 'This is it.' Ciel felt as if he were repeating himself. Perhaps it was necessary. No matter how he phrased it, the idea just didn't seem quite real to him. The voice that left his lips didn't feel as if it were quite his own; it was too faint, too weak. It lacked conviction. Ciel never lacked conviction. The only possible reason for that could be that he had not been the one to speak those words, yet he had felt the breath leave his body, and his lips still recalled forming each letter.
'It doesn't have to be.' Ciel closed his eyes. Gabriel's hand enveloped his own, and Ciel felt his shoulders drop perceptibly. 'This doesn't have to be it, Ciel. I'm never going to ask you to forgive me, or to- to...' He let out a deep, shuddering breath, just as Ciel inhaled. 'May I ask one thing of you? Just one?'
Ciel opened his eyes. He was met with the sight of Gabriel's angished expression, and Ciel felt his resolve waver for just a moment. A halo of soft, amber light surrounded Gabriel, who's back was to the open window. Specks of dust careened around them, catching the sunshine with a lazy ease. Ciel found himself nodding despite himself. His finger's linked with Gabriel's, cool skin mingling against Gabriel's gentle heat. 'What is it?' He asked, tilting his chin up slightly, an attempt at restoring his usual illusion of fierce pride.
'Don't give up on me, not yet' Gabriel took a step forwards, his free hand coming to brush along Ciel's jaw. He was close enough that Ciel could feel Gabriel's breath against his lips, and Ciel's eyes fell to half-mast, certain to avoid Gabriel's gaze.
'Give up on you...' Ciel repeated quietly, leaning into Gabriel's touch. He closed his eyes fully once more.
He felt hands tighten on his throat, nails biting into his flesh. He gasped for breath, but little air made it to his lungs. He felt glass tear open his skin, missing his eyes minutely. He felt the cold dread once more, felt the hopeless abandon that clung so fiercely to his mind, teasing and caressing every hazy thought that crossed his mind. He felt himself being pushed to the ground, the weight of Gabriel's body pinning him, as if he were nothing more than cloth and string.
All of a sudden, he was weak; afraid once more. All of a sudden, he was fragile and breakable and young.
He opened his eyes again and shook his head mutely, taking a step back from Gabriel. his hand felt cold where Gabriel's had been holding it. Ciel's jaw set, his eyes turning hard, frigid. 'To give up on you would mean that I ever believed in you in the first place.' His voice was smooth and calculated evering syllable bitingly precise and venemous. Gabriel's expression of unsurprised dismay cut Ciel through to the core, but his disposition was well protected.
He recalled the feeling of Gabriel's lips against his. he felt once more the way it had to laugh, as Gabriel had made him. He remembered being wanted, being needed, being loved. He remembered driving down the highway at a hundred and fifty kilometers an hour, playing Gabriel's trashy rap CDs, and yelling the words in time as Gabriel laughed too loudly. He remembered the nights spent watching trashy reality shows and the mornings they'd both call in sick and lay in bed until three. He remembered what it was like to be truly loved, and to love who he was. And he remembered loving Gabriel, truly and undeniably.
'You never believed in me?' Gabriel asked. Ciel tried to remain immune to the guilt creeping into his mind. Ciel shied away from Gabriel's hand as it once more reached for his, and Gabriel frowned, retracting his hand as if stung.
'How could I?' Despite the determination Ciel had told himself he needed, he couldn't quite grasp what he was determined to do or say. He was weak, and he knew it. He told himself to stay strong, to not be swayed. 'There was nothing there to believe in.'
'I believed in you.' The words were quiet, and Ciel's gaze snapped up to meet Gabriel's once more. 'I always have. And I always will.' Ciel's fingers twitched slightly, but his expression hardened. Strong. You must stay strong.
'Perhaps that says something about us, then.' There was an air of finality to Ciel's words, although he hardly knew the meaning of them himself. He turned on his heel, if only because he couldn't bear to see Gabriel's face for a moment longer. He knew what it said about them. Gabriel's blind faith in him simply displayed his foolishness, and Ciel's distrust showed his sensibility. That had to be it. There was nothing else he could have possibly meant when he said that, was there?
That had to be it.
