#chronic-confessions

I'm glad my high school didn't do a ten year reunion because all I've accomplished this decade is not dying, and I wasn't even very good at it.

How am I supposed to know what symptoms warrant a doctor appointment? Like, if you’d have asked me a few years ago if chest pain was worth calling a doctor I'd have said “obviously.” But now that I get random chest pain and heart palpitations, I just kinda go “ehh...” I have no idea when to call a doctor anymore.

I feel like i have to ration out the issues i tell people about. like i cant go out and be like "i have asthma, OCD, ADHD, IBS, im a little deaf, im alergic to everything..." i dont want to sound so dramatic so i wait for something to be a serious problem before mentioning it. people always say "you should have said something earlier!" like... i dont want these things to define me.

Parents can be some of the most ableist people we know. I wish that was discussed more, especially outside of “ autism moms.” Wheelchair users have ableist parents, too. It’s more disabling than anything else.

I don’t want to have bones sometimes. Anytime I mention it to someone they get freaked out, but I think that if they had the same bone deep ache I have to deal with every single day they’d understand. I’m tired of people not understanding.

I know I shouldn't, but I hate temporarily sick people complaining. Yes, you have a head cold, yes that sucks. But I dislocated my rib today and it sucks and I haven't said shit. Because nobody tolerates complaining from always sick people. We have to get used to it and suck it up and be a part of society. Fuck this.

everyone says to stay positive but i’m a 16 year old in so much pain that i can’t even go to school or hang out with friends. i’ve only managed to keep one friend throughout all of this because friendships rely on putting in effort to communicate and being able to talk to/see each other. i can’t be a reliable friend and it makes me feel like a bad person. i hate that all of the plans i had as a kid were ruined. i wanted to get straight A’s and graduate early. i wanted to get a job as soon as possible. i wanted to go to some fancy college and become an author or something. i wanted to move out at 18. but instead i’m barely passing online school, i might not be able to go to college ever, i won’t be able to get a job, and i’ll probably live with my parents for the rest of my life. oh, and i’ll be in pain for every second of the rest of my life.

in one of those periods right now where i'm just... keenly aware of how much i've lost to illness. even the little things are disappearing. can't dress the way i want, can't have long hair, trouble with necklace clasps and earring backs... do i have enough energy to play video games today? to watch tv? i'd love a hot meal, but my best case today is throwing together a peanut butter sandwich. otherwise, ensure. yuck. i want a shower. i want my life back. it's not fair. sorry.