#christophergutierrez

She had these odd weathered hand-stitched tapestries on her wall. Three different pictures of sad looking clowns on what was once a white background that was now beige with browning corners. Creepy and deranged, I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. She obviously had some kind of attachment to them but I didn’t want to be insulting. I looked back down at the sweat on her chest and couldn’t believe that I was lying next to someone so ridiculously sexy and thought, well, since I will probably never see her again… “So what’s with the creepy pictures of clowns on the wall. I can’t imagine wanting to wake up to those every morning.” “You know, it’s funny.” She said, “No one ever asks about them and they have such a good story.” “Okay?” “My grandmother bought them at a tag sale when she was a little kid during the depression. The woman who made them apparently murdered her kids but they didn’t have enough evidence to convict her and she spent the rest of her life a shut in because the neighborhood hated her. When she died, no one discovered her body for weeks. Eventually her kids sold her life’s work for pennies. Whenever I look at the clowns, I imagine how much sadness is in that work and it makes me think about how much sadness is in the world.” “Oh, sounds wonderful to wake up to.” I laughed. “It makes me think of how much sadness is out in the world and how lucky I have it to have so much happiness. Her work gets to live on by reminding me to appreciate the wonderful life I have.”

And like that, I told myself I wasn’t going anywhere.

I slept in her bed that night. A rarity for a one night stand but we stayed up until four in the morning, talking about our messed up childhoods with our warped sense of humor. There was a commonality in her that I had never experienced. She knew exactly what I meant when I followed a story with, “You know what I mean?” She did. She “got” it and I didn’t want to leave out of fear that this would end up exactly as we had texted – “just a hook up.” But she couldn’t deny the magnetism and compatibility either and when we woke up the next afternoon, I think we both knew we were in love with each other.

It was undeniable. To our friends, our families, to everyone who saw us walking down the street quietly judging everything that annoyed us – we were made for each other. Even now, years after the messy break up – neither one of us could or would deny how deep and astonishing our love was.

So what happened?

The phrase “love is enough” gets thrown around so often but it is idealistic and childish. The truth is, love is not enough to save a relationship. I wish it was and everyone who knew us could see just how desperate we were to believe that we could survive on love alone, but we couldn’t. And we didn’t.

All of us have expectations. We expect to be respected. That someone will be mindful with our time, our investment, and our emotions. That they will treat us as if we are on the same team. That they will look forward to sharing their thoughts, and not keep things from us. We expect to be loved in return. And when we don’t receive the love we give, we feel like we are being treated unfairly. And when that happens, it causes resentment, secrets, and deceit.

I loved her more than any other woman I had ever loved, but I couldn’t love her enough to make the selfishness, irresponsibility, and abusive outbursts go away. But dear lord, I tried. I tried so hard. Gritting my teeth with tears in the corners of my eyes, I tried and tried and tried until I knew I had exhausted every effort and even then, I tried to plead with her because that kind of love is an almost impossible love. So I fought for it with everything I had – but she didn’t. And while I knew she loved me, it was just covered by so much festering insecurity and trauma and I never had a chance. So I walked away for the benefit of us both… because she wasn’t the one.

When my friends and family asked why things ended, I told them the same thing over and over, “She just wasn’t the one.” And they were surprised. They saw the undeniable connection and assumed I was just bitter. But I wasn’t. I was rational and explained, “Love isn’t enough to save a relationship. And while she may have been my ‘one’, I was not her ‘one’. And that’s the secret.”

Because what people don’t tell you is that while you might be lucky enough to find your “one”, the only way that it works is if they see you as THEIR “one” as well. You can’t be madly in love with a person and expect it to work if they aren’t madly in love with you as well. It is just that simple.

So many of us constantly beat ourselves into the ground, desperate to salvage relationships because we don’t want to throw away our investment. We don’t want to start over. Because we know how difficult it is to find anyone out there who inspires us, understands our weirdo humor, and still wants to sleep with us. I understand that more than anyone. But I now also understand that if someone isn’t willing to love me with the same intensity as I love them, well then our love simply does not match. And none of us should have to convince anyone to love us. We deserve better than that. Because the only way our love will ever truly thrive is when our love is equal – Equal in excitement. Equal in respect. And equal in desperation.

When he walked through the door you were intrigued that someone so charming would find you attractive. Or maybe you weren’t. Maybe you said to yourself, “Yeah, that sounds about right. I’m a catch, goddamnit.” But if you’re anything like me, while you were kissing for the first time you thought, “Oh my god, do they see what I see in the mirror? Isn’t my voice annoying? Did they not hear how I fumbled over my words when answering a simple question?” And if you’re like me, you stuck around because you were surprised that you found such a good deal. You were shocked and amazed that someone intriguing and sexy would want to sit across from you over dinners and found all of your broken pieces intriguing. And why wouldn’t you? While people like us might have the understanding that we can attract people, it is still uncanny when anyone fascinating and appealing finds US attractive and wants to be with and around us for any extended period of time. So we were like, “Holy shit. I get to be around you all the time?! Well, I’m going to do whatever I can to not mess this up.” And this is where we veer off course. Because excitement and desperation are the magical combination that causes us to focus on all the things we are getting and subconsciously avoid all the things that are missing or unhealthy.

There is a moment of clarity in every relationship. One where we either recognize that we have truly found our best counterpart. Our shipmate on our voyage. Someone that makes us feel not so ashamed about what rattles around our head and supports us in all the ways we never knew existed. The person to open our world to a level we never thought possible. One to make us feel warm, like someone held us so tight that it moved all those broken pieces back into place. And that is the dream. That is the feeling we hope for from the moment we become aware of our insecurities and what happens to so many of us is that we get so excited that we may have found our “one” that we put on the blinders to what makes us truly fulfilled. Maybe one day they didn’t respond to our text quickly enough, or they have no desire to make our relationship “Facebook official”, or they don’t want to bring us around their friends and family. And as ridiculous as that may sound, they are are valid. For better or worse, those things do matter in the current state of our culture, and sometimes all it takes are those simple little things to make us feel a little more secure in our investment. And make no mistake, that is exactly what it is – an investment of trust, faith, and the lowering of a drawbridge into and through our walls. It really doesn’t take much. And that’s what we tell ourselves. And that’s what we say when that inevitable first fight pops up. We scream, “It doesn’t even take that much.” And we wonder why it is so hard for them to do just the simple little things that would make all the difference to us. We yell, “I am telling you how to love me!” And it’s like they don’t listen or pay attention. Or even worse, they do hear the words but they don’t care. They actively go out of their way to ignore the simple little changes they could do within the context of our agreement that could make us feel like we weren’t fooled. But we were. Because we fooled ourselves. We allowed the glare of a prospective future blind us from all the bad and we only focused on the good. And when that happens, we set a precedent. When we look past the little red flags because we have our eyes somewhere else, we tell our partner how certain behaviors are acceptable. If they respond in a shitty way and we don’t call them on their behavior in the beginning, they assume that is what they will be able to get away with for the remainder of the relationship. And it’s not fair. And someone should give us a heads up. And most of all, people should be respectful of each others time, faith, and emotions. But unfortunately, they aren’t. And we need to be better equipped for when we get let down.

To say that the majority of relationships are destined to fail or end in ways we don’t see coming isn’t pessimistic, it is realistic. And we have a better shot at finding a healthy partner and allowing ourselves to be truly happy if we go into these things eyes open, shoulders back, and prepared to take one on the chin. Although, it would really be nice if the punch never comes. And that is the hope we should never lose. We have to believe that each person we encounter will not let us down, but we need to have the coping skills and the intelligence to see it coming.

Maybe you are a catch. Maybe you are a weirdo full of contradictions and broken pieces. But none of that matters. What does matter is how long you will stay and allow someone to take advantage of your faith and trust. How long will you stay in a relationship and allow someone who is unworthy of your presence steal the time you could be using to do anything else other than waiting for someone to treat you with the respect you deserve? We have all been there and we have all stayed for a multitude of reasons but time doesn’t care about excuses and every day that passes is one more day you have wasted believing someone can change. But they don’t. Most people don’t. And that’s fine. They will one day be someone else’s problem. And one day you will be happy, by yourself or within a healthy relationship. And while you can’t control another person, you can control what day that is going to be.

I don't hang out with children all that often. I don't have any, all my friends that do live out in the burbs, and my yuppie neighborhood is almost an exclusively kid-free zone. Every now and then one wanders in my Starbucks or crosses my path while walking through the city and I look at them like they're some kind of rare animal. It's like, I know they are out there and that they exist in the world but is this really the correct environment for these things?

I'll tell you a little secret: I was a kid once. I had lots of friends and lots of free time since my mother was always off working two jobs and I was terrifyingly independent. When I think back to what I experienced it is shocking by today's standards. Beginning after 2nd grade, I walked a mile and a half to and from elementary school every single day. I could and would buy fireworks at the local grocery store when I was nine years old and numerously caught things on fire - intentionally and unintentionally. And by age 10 I was calling and ordering my own delivery along with having the approval to forge my mothers signature when paying with checks. Granted, we lived in the suburbs but nonetheless almost unbelievable what I was allowed to get away with when I was young. But see, I didn't know any different. If you are raised with a cow in your backyard, you don't realize it's strange until someone comes over and tells you that shit is weird.

Today, children fascinate me. I didn't have children in my 20s and 30s like everyone else. When I see people interact with kids, it always seems like they are more of a burden than anything. Parents are constantly reprimanding their kids or telling them what they are doing wrong. Sit down. Stop being loud. Eat certain things. And I get it. Kids don't know any better and parents are attempting to tell them the right direction. Because some kids just don't realize it's dangerous to light off fireworks next to your baby sister then freak out when they burn holes in her dress. That was a tough one to explain. I mean, no one ever told me to NOT light a bowl of gasoline on fire or what might happen if I kicked it over. I just see parents constantly scolding their children and rarely explaining why. And when I say something, parents always tell me about how exhausted they are or how they do their best to explain things but the kids don't listen. It has got to be draining to have to attempt to wrangle this hyperactive thing that doesn't yet understand social graces. But I don't have kids, so when I show up somewhere with children I almost feel like it's my responsibility to attempt to explain to them what their parents won't. Sure, that might be a bit arrogant but I remember that I was once a kid and no one ever outright told me to not do certain very dangerous things. Not because my mother or teachers or neighbors didn't care, but that they were busy and had their own lives to lead.

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I once sat down with three pre-teen boys. We were just sitting next to a pond, taking shelter from the oppressive summer sun when I looked over and said, "Hey, has anyone ever told you to not do drugs?" They kind of meekly looked up and said, "Yeaaah." But then I asked, "But did they tell you why?" They all kind of looked around and didn't know how to answer the question. One of the boys said, "Because we can overdose and die." While not completely untrue, it is just not very realistic. I said, "Do you know that guy who lives on your street who is always in and out of jail and when you see him he's always sleepy. You know the guy who is always in trouble for stealing and who took your skateboard?" They said, "Yeah." I said, "That's what drugs can turn you into." I could see they were slightly confused, like they didn't believe me. That was until a neighbor came over and confirmed that he used to be a really intelligent and nice kid until he found meth and heroin. You could almost see their faces say, "Holy shit." It was then that I realized that it's not just what you tell kids, but how you explain it. Since then, when I talk to kids I always pretend they are always asking "why?" after you tell them something.

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My mother gave me the family mini-van for my 16th birthday. I loved carting a dozen of my friends to the local Denny's and punk rock shows on the weekends. But one day my van wouldn't start. I had a mechanic friend come over who took a look at the engine and asked, "Uh, when was the last time you changed the oil?" I said, "I have to change that?" He just looked at me, shook his head and said, "You need a completely new engine. This van in done." And it was. But see, no one ever TOLD me I needed to change the oil. Or maybe they did, but no one told me, "Hey, if you don't change the oil every few thousand miles the cylinders will overheat from friction and weld themselves into the engine block making your van inoperable." If someone would have not just "told" me but explained "why", maybe I would have been more attentive.

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I was once a kid. I had curly hair and I was a spaz and I never shut up. I liked going to the arcade and shooting streetlights out with BB guns and playing ding-dong-ditch. Then one day I was a grown man. I didn't even see it coming. 4th grade doesn't even seem so long ago. I mean, I can still remember where I sat in the back of Ms. Edwards class next to Doug and I remember the navy blue Nikes he was wearing when my vomit splashed all over them. I know people see me as an adult man but I can't even really see that. It's like the world is just telling me this lie and everyone has agreed to go along with it. But I am a man I should be expected to act like one. And that means understanding how to express my emotions in a productive manner, attempting to understand my insecurities, doing my best to improve myself, treating people with respect who have earned it, and yeah, I suppose at least knowing "why" the oil in my car needs to be changed.

There are other people in this world who were kids once too. People who call themselves "adults" that you may have run into along the way. You may have even tried dating a few here and there. And it was frustrating because they didn't know the right way to treat the people they claimed to love. Sure, maybe they didn't give you everything that you wanted, but that's not what respect and love is about. When you agree to share love with another person, you enter into a pact. An emotional agreement that says, "Neither of us are perfect - but it is our job to at least <em>TRY</em> to be perfect for each <em>other</em>."

What does that mean? It means that as an "adult" it is our responsibility to respect the trust and vulnerability someone is giving us. That when you hold me and you let out an exhale of "this is what I have always wanted", if I have an ounce of respect for you, well it is my responsibility to honor that. But sometimes I don't know how because someone wasn't there to teach me all the right things at all the right times. I am a combination of hundreds of teachers. Some terrible, some well-intentioned, and only a few who took the time to tell me the "whys" of love and life. So if I stumble along the way, I am sorry. If I have ever told you "I love you" just know that I am trying. I am doing my very best to honor what you have given me because I know it doesn't come easy for you. And if I fuck up, tell me. I am a man, and a man - an "adult" should be able to handle constructive criticism, especially if my inadequacy comes at the expense of your happiness.

We all fall short when it comes to honoring the love, trust, and vulnerability people have given us. There is no shame in not knowing. But it is our obligation to help someone understand the "whys" of our love. Our partner needs to truly digest <em>why</em> our soul needs to be fed and what it is that truly nurtures the bond we have. And that is our job within a relationship.

We are all just little kids who got old. One day we looked in the mirror and we had wrinkles and little grey hairs and people expected us to be responsible and pay taxes. Most of us weren't ready but we had to jump in and swim as best as we could. And maybe it wasn't fair but here we are. And somewhere along the line maybe we talked some amazing person with questionable taste into loving us back. And hooray for us. But understand that everyone we meet is just a little kid who got old and maybe no one taught them how to change the oil along the way. Maybe no one explained to them that a relationship takes compromise and actual effort. And maybe no one told them that the secret to a healthy relationship DEMANDS understanding and empathy. And if you aren't willing to do these things for you partner, then no - you do have not earned a healthy relationship. But if you do, if you truly put in the work to understand what your partner needs to feel loved and they are unwilling to reciprocate in a fair way, well then, they are not ready to honor the "whys" of your heart and maybe it's time for you to move on, up, forward, and away.

If we have any heart, we do what is honorable. And that is to do our best to not judge a potential future based upon the actions of a failed past. Each new date, each new individual should be recognized as such. A person with new complexities and insight. A person with new depths of love and compassion and a person who could possess the light we have been looking for all along. And it would be a tragedy if we allowed it to be eclipsed by what we think we know - when we never knew all along.

It has always been about what I could get. I mean, even my first girlfriend was more about social status than anything. She was cute but I didn’t really know much about her. But I got to strut around the neighborhood casually dropping humble brags to my friends about having to get back home to call my “giiiiirlfriend.” And when I got a little older it was more about the sexual conquest. Sure, I dated people seriously and was even in love once or twice but mostly it was about how often and where we could have the most sexually adventurous hookups.

Human nature prevents of from fully embracing change. Of course there are plenty of people who feel trapped when they are living in one place too long or at the same job or with the same person, but generally that is reserved for younger people privileged enough with the means for such wanderlust. And as a person who grew up with a substance abuse councelor as a mother, one of the first things she taught me was that addiction prevent emotional growth. Gambling, sex, drugs, food, alcohol – these are what addicts turn to when faced with difficult and stressful life decisions. Genetics, faulty wiring, and ineffective parenting prevent us from acquiring coping mechanisms, so we go to what helps us forget. And when we attempt to forget, we shy away from change – or more specifically, evolving emotionally. And it is completely understandable. As a survivor of childhood abuse I can tell you that it was so much easier to lose myself in dating, sex, and the company of women than it was to think about the evil that snuck into my bedroom at night.

As I fumbled my way into adulthood and watched the grey hairs sprout from my temples, I wondered when I would finally feel whole. It’s funny, when you’re a kid people are constantly telling you, “You’ll understand when you get older,” about everything. But the truth is, unless someones is there to help you see, you probably won’t. You’ll simply grow into a confused adult with more grey hairs. But like many of you, I am an over-thinker. People like us tend to shy away from change and opportunity if only because we over-think the outcome. What happens if we fail? We will look stupid and it will be a waste of time. What happens if we are successful? Then we will have to change our lifestyle and I like waking up at noon and binge-watching Netflix all night. So I spent decades chasing women, having sex with women, and surrounding myself with women – I would have been the envy of my childhood neighborhood. And yet, I was still a confused adult with a head full of resentment. So I started writing. Not because I thought I was any good and not because I thought I could help anyone but because I was frustrated that no one came to my rescue to help me make sense of it all. And as the years passed and I continued to mash out words on a keyboard, I was consistently surprised at what was revealed on my screen. It was then that the moments of abuse came to light. Memories so far repressed that I had literally forgotten about them for decades. And when those 2am thoughts crept in and there was no one left to sext, I was forced to confront the misgivings of those who were supposed to look out for my well being. And slowly but surely, I looked to anonymous sex and online hookups a little less and I started to feel not so much happier, but a little less sad. And as the sadness began to wane, my vision became clearer and I started to learn that the key to filling my life with more happiness was not to see what I could get from women, but what I could give. Support, respect, insight, compassion, a solid and positive foundation of mutual friendship – these are what began to make me feel whole.

One of the few things I have learned through this journey is that sometimes people are lucky enough to find a person to point us in the right direction – but unfortunately, most of us don’t. Most of us flounder and fumble our way through life, taking advice from all the wrong people, perpetually confused and subconsciously taking that confusion out on everyone else or hiding from it in a comfortable haze of addiction. We can no longer afford to waste minutes, hours, and years waiting for someone to be our hero. And while we might be damaged goods, it doesn’t mean that we don’t have the courage within us to confront those awful memories. Because despite our genetics, faulty wiring, and ineffective parenting, all of us have a hole that can be filled. And while my hair has grown progressively more grey with the years, I have learned that everyone is looking for someone to help them make sense of all of this. And you are either the person who takes advantage of that vulnerability or do what you can to help them see that there are still good people left in this world.

Excerpt from chapter 13.