#chipdeer.txt

But like I left tumblr years ago to keep up with everyone who moved, but honestly the other site is a shit hole. Every site is. Social media is so fucking stupid, and I'm not free from that. I'm medicated now and really just thinking about a lot of things. Like. How I have really muffled myself for stupid reasons. How I try to be a good person in the eyes of everyone else it hurts. I was never an anti tho those were never good people to me, just bully's that want the abused to die. And well I'm kind of really done putting on this sheet of being a quiet good girl so to speak. Me and my System have really just sat down in a way and thought about things. I have a lot of people pleasing issues. It comes from abuse. I have NPD it comes from being neglected, speaking of which. I was talking to my therapist and she 100% agreed that NPD comes from being neglected and having to do everything yourself. But like I'm just sick and tired of being what I think people want. I barely even talk on my twitter, I barely talked on tumblr too back in the day and sometimes I feel guilty about not posting because I have been told that I'm not trustworthy because I don't talk. This was such a cycle, a cycle of like, being told that I'm a freak so I should shut up and also I can't be trusted because I shut up.

All of this has made me so hypercritical of myself even more than I was before I was a teenager. It sucks. I'm really done with it. Sometimes no matter how many things you do for someone. How many times you reach out and help, all you are to them are a supply of dopamine and they don't give a shit about you other then what you do for them. This isn't even the disorder talking. It's life.

Bpd/Npd comorbid is such an awful thing to have and to deal with. It's so hard to find help. Or to admit you need help. I want to run away. I want to quit therapy. I want to pretend that everything is fine and continue to be that supply of dopamine to people that hurt me because it gives me attention for that small fragment of time.

But I won't I'm going to stay away and be formal, be pointed and be casual. Stoic. Things that they would hate. I think that that is even better then starting a fight. I feel like having just an edge, just a small bit of power, just something will feel good. I used to be able to talk to people. I used to be able to play on irc or random chatrooms. My life has been a blur since I entered foster care and was thrust into a world of normalcy while being abused in a way I wasn't used to.

With all of this it makes you just so easy to be abused. So easy to be taken advantage of. To be taken for granted. To be insinuated to be a liar.

It's funny. I should of known people like that are never any good. V went on about his list, but was he wrong? Most people from those groups are known for being stupid, abusive pricks. I shouldn't be too hard on myself as a person, I don't think I've been out that much in the past decade, though, I think I was during some parts, hard to tell pre-knowing days after all.

I guess what I'm saying is what goes around comes around, and acting like people are just there for your own amusement is not a fun thing.

Revenge is a slippery slope, but, I'm not one to run from slopes. I'm really mad right now. I wish I could really put it into words, or tell people how I really feel. Or we could 'talk it out' because of course I'm just crazy and it just seems like I'm only important when you want something and I'll never not respond because I have OCD about messages. It's not that, you just never noticed even when people in my system were upset, struggling with life, wanting to d*e that we would always respond. It's normal not notice it's just text.

You've had so much of a worst life then me you shout from the back of your lungs, while I tell you nary details about mine, just the ones that don't make me feel weak. Just not the things that make me know that it's something you can make fun of an abuser for. Those are the things you can say.