#chilling classics

A scientist's experiment with a deadly bacteria goes awry and leaves him horribly deformed. The monstrous man then runs amok in his town.

this movie is SO dubbed

one of the characters is CAPTAIN KIRK but not that captain kirk but we all cracked up about it.

the editing in this is a little dizzying and also i am writing this at like a half hour in and im not certain about what’s going on. there was a lab accident, something happened to some guinea pigs, some people have been murdered

there is somehow a lot happening but nothing at all?

i think so far my thought is ‘this is incomprehensible to me but it feels like it shouldn’t’

there’s an entire scene in a movie theater that just feels like a fever dream to me

discovered 2/3rds of the way through that youtube has this in HD and we are all watching it in like 320p on a shitty mill creek print like SCRUBS

‘this is a sister film to the bill rebane virus train movie’ @gwenfrankenstien

the credits threatened us

this is a short post because i found it very hard to actually care strongly about this film in any direction so uhhhhh yeah i think that says a lot. gonna rate it a nah on the beetsometer

emoji of the film:

“WHY IS THIS LIKE THIS“ @gwenfrankenstien​

“I want to recommend this to everyone I know” @inktail​

“This movie is baffling” @bioelectriccell​

“WHAT” @beetleboo​, at least a dozen times

Rating: Interrobang/What?

The last scene turns it into a masterpiece of surrealist humor PLEASE watch this with at least a half a dozen people for best effect. Legit all of us were losing it at multiple parts of this film.

This one’s called ‘The Cold’ but also sometimes ‘The Game’ and I’m not sure which is the original title??

Ship of the movie: The three old millionaires are definitely married.

Emoji of the movie: whoisshe.emoji

A BIG LIZARD THAT WALKS LIKE A MAN and also happens to be allergic to shirts.

‘theyre mixing the 'I'm a thing from space' genre with the "thing from space on your face' genre’ @inktail​

Seriously, the amount of times the main character is either wearing no shirt, removing his shirt, or changing his shirt is ridiculous.

to quote @gwenfrankenstien​, ‘this is really just a movie about everyone else trying to make paul wear a shirt’

stereotypical native american character portrayal.  its the 70s. decide if that’s a deal breaker for you. i’m mentioning it but not covering it in-depth. at least professor is actually portrayed by a native actor?

Anyway, the rubber lizardman costume is awful and i love it. You get a really bad transformation sequence, too. It’s a delight. i wish we saw more of the costume

everyone keeps chanting MOON LIZARD in the chat. alas, not in the actual film.

There’s so much bad not-science in this! ‘this science is JUUUUST bullshit enough to be plausible if you're high off moon rocks’ @paintsplattere​

uhhhhh there’s a bit of stuff regarding the main character trying to kill himself so suicide warning for this i guess. it’s not particularly. realistic or anything but i’m mentioning it. probably more ideation than anything.

rating of lizard/lizard on the lizardometer. i dunno, this one’s squarely middle of the road? would be higher rated if the plot of the movie was solved with the power of love. ending made of bullshit but it’s in line with the rest of the film’s bullshit, so shoutout to adhering to its own canon i guess? mostly just a dang letdown. wow.

Ship of the Movie: Moon Lizard x Manape (throwback to Horror Express)

Movie Emoji:

IMDB’s summary for this one is hilariously vague.

A couple, lost in thick fog, take refuge in an old mansion next to a cemetery. Strange things start to happen.

this one’s dubbed, we seem to be crossing paths with a lot of those lately

15 minutes in and i can safely say that all of these people are terrible drivers and should not be on the road in poor weather conditions!

the score for this goes in like four different directions, its really something

everyone gets fucking lost in the fog and they end up at the Spooky Cemetery House

there’s mentions of alleged vampires and witches in the past its just like ‘YEAH SPOOKY’

there may or may not be rats in the walls! this sounds like a lovely place to spend the evening.

so far the plot of this seems to be ‘we are stuck here and the nervous lady saw some ghosts so we are all on edge’

there’s like an infidelity plot or something going on here and it just turns my entire brain off.

for a movie called murder mansion it has not delivered on the murder

ok like two minutes after I typed that someone did die but they had like, a heart attack?? or maybe they were poisoned. UNCERTAIN IF MURDER.

“every single frame of this is the cover of an avon romance paperback” - @gwenfrankenstien​

the most common cause of death in this movie appears to be ‘heart attack’

gonna call this a solid nah/yeah on the beetsometer, slow to start and i had a hard time telling anyone apart. the first most of the movie feels like a lot of nothing happening very slowly and like all the murders happen in the last half hour???

actually i rescind that because in the last ten minutes the plot twist is that its all faked and its like scooby doo with people in masks and makeup and i totally called that way earlier in the viewing so its improved a bit in my view. scooby doo but they actually did some murders I think? I’m not certain what happened towards the end but yeah some people get shot

i’m not certain its something i’d RECCOMEND though

anyway it follows the trend of ‘movies that dont really have an ending and just kind of stop’

‘A Colorado ski resort is besieged by a sub-human beast that commits brutal murders on the slopes.’

@inktail​ pointed out this basically sounds like Skifree: The Movie

EMOJI OF THE FILM: yetifree

and we haven’t even started the movie yet!

Would like to note: this was made for tv. a true sign of QUOLITY (though given that some of the other things we’ve seen around here were straight to vhs...)

you get a glimpse of yeti less than two minutes into the movie and then its a bunch of skiing shots. this movie knows WHAT its ABOUT

we all latched on to the old lady and tried to figure out who she was - @villainpunk​ came through, her name is Sylvia Sydney and she had parts in Beetlejuice and Mars Attacks (you know, actual movies?)

‘QUICK SEE IF THIS IS A REAL OLYMPIC SKI MAN’ @beetleboo​

‘I believe that is Bo Svenson’ @villainpunk​

‘is he a Real Ski Man’ @beetleboo​

‘no, he is a real sweden man however. close enough’ @villainpunk​

I think this movie is like 50% shots of people skiing and scenic mountain vistas.

of the very boring relationship drama, @villainpunk​ suggests ‘guys, just. just have a threesome. drama over’

‘Have a foursome with the yeti’ THANKS @bioelectriccell​

GAR SAYS YETI RIGHTS!!

you can definitely tell where this movie was intended to cut to commercials.

they find the body of someone the yeti slapped

GAR HAS CHANGED HIS MIND ON YETI RIGHTS!!

invite the yeti to your high school auditorium gatherings lest YETI GET MAD

yeah there are just vast swathes of ‘hey look at these folks skiing’

very dull, get back to the yeti murders.

or, alternatively, as half the viewers seem to want, yeti kissing.

honestly at like an hour in i realized how bored i was with this movie and thats saying something for a movie with MURDER YETI. there is NO EXCITEMENT HERE.

at a little over an hour i turned the movie up to 1.3 speed and these people all talk so slow that they sound normal at that speed.

this says everything you need to know about snowbeast tbh

the ending SUCKS SHIT you never GET TO SEE THE YETI IN A FULL SHOT and i rate this I COULD HAVE SLEPT THROUGH THIS out of TEN on the beetsometer.

‘we had more yeti in the chat than in the movie’ @villainpunk​

aaaaaAAAAA

not related to franz kafka’s the metamorphosis, alas.

the main character in this movie looks a little bit like at least six different people. tom cruise, bradley cooper, christian bale, canadian prime minister justin trudeau, ‘every lesbian in 1990′ (according to @gwenfrankenstien and nate falloutfour.

we are all tearing apart this movie’s shitty science. ‘uncontrolled cell growth’ is literally cancer, sir.

i dig the soundtrack to this movie. the soundtrack belongs to a better film than this.

The dialogue in this film is ATROCIOUS and neither of the two leads can act, they are definitely here based on looks only.

‘shoutout to willie the man who has maybe heard of acting once before’ @gwenfrankenstien

We get some cryptic flashbacks that dont tell us much about whatever hes flashing back to.

‘IS there anything more 1990 than Random Squash Interlude’ @gwenfrankenstien​

About halfway through the film he looks at a computer which says its detected a cromosomic anomaly and i immediately declared that if the mad science injection did a thing and gave him superwhatever from having an extra cromosome i was gonna HOWL.

then he goes to the isle of capri which is, apparently, a bar and i was rooting for a shitty fight scene and instead we got a short but actually decent fight.

at 50minutes in hes got some weird makeup fx on his face and then immediately in the next scene its like. gone. and then the next scene he’s got weird makeup on its a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT LOOK.

and that look is like someone left Data out in the sun too long :(

:(

‘he is regressing genetically into an organism we are not geneticaly related to’ @inktail​

this movie is full of the stupidest technobabble. so bad

also important: this is a christmas movie, in the same way that die hard is.

also this is our second movie with A Lizard Man and they both have shitty makeup.

after about an hour and fifteen minutes i figured out what the music reminds me of and it is the soundtrack to the original Deus Ex. @bioelectriccell​ agrees.

his makeup at the climax of the film reminded me of one thing, and one thing only.

and its probably for the best that we never see it in good lighting.

this movie really fails at ever conveying a sense of urgency.

‘this movie fails at conveying.... anything’ @gwenfrankenstien​

WHAT WAS IT.

A NIGHTMARE... FROM THE PAST...

the whole ending bit of this was worth the drudgery of the rest. holy shit.

rating on the beets-o-meter: 5/10 for most of the movie, kinda boringly bad, and then 10000/10 for the ending LMAO

ship of the movie: i mean the two main characters do the do at one point so i guess that but literally no one in this movie had anything resembling a hint of chemistry with anyone else

emoji of the movie: tendervittles

haunted hands! haunted hands! haunted hands!

started off very concerned that I played the wrong movie, so make of that what you will

like fifteen minutes in and all i can think of is ‘this feels too much like a real movie to shitpost about’

‘these dudes got their med degrees in the mail from mad magazine, they got this‘ @realdirtfacts​

shoutout to the surgeon and the sister of the pianist for some fucking excellent delivery of very dramatic speeches that become very silly if you think about the dialogue for more than five seconds.

(majority of chat succumbs to re-animator related brain rot for assorted reasons)

‘love that this movie isnt remarkable enough to directly shitpost about so we've just gone off on our own wild tangents’ @beetleboo​

‘it is easily the most competent movie I watched since I joined!’ sam not-on-this-site

another movie with an excellent score (which is fittingly heavy on the piano)

this is less like... supernatural/not-real-science horror and more almost thriller horror? an interesting change of pace from what we usually get when we pull out a film from a horror collection. it’s definitely not haunted hands, and I think it was a little misrepresented on that front.

also the actor who plays the pianist, james stapleton, reminded a few of us of Rami Malek, mostly with the eyes and hair.

rated a solid 8/10 on the beetsometer. a little cheesy and overblown at times, but thats just kinda How Things Were. I genuinely enjoyed this one just... as a movie. feels weird to say about something here. the biggest thing it suffers from is JARRING ENDING-ITIS but thats like 98% of the movies we watch here. this one suffered that to a lesser degree than most, at least!

described by others as ‘fascinating and competent’, ‘unexpected but not in a bad way’

‘that was a genuinely good movie???? is that even allowed’ @gwenfrankenstien​

emoji of the movie: clowning