#cherry's diary

finally experienced my first true loss in life, not exactly sure how to process but rest easy gramps :/ guess im gonna be back for a bit haha

i dont use this app much, neither do i journal often, but fuck the small moments i get to write these things down without worrying that she’ll see any of these is so therapeutic. my mom somehow always finds out i call her a bitch, and always gets mad. tells me everyone in her life has called her that enough already she doesnt need her daughter to do it too… but like, if everyone calls you that, including your own daughter, what exactly do you think you are if NOT for a bitch?

how on earth does someone get into a fucking fight with your mom over telling her you sent her 100$ for weed.. times like these make me wanna move away and never speak to her again… my ideal world would be one where she passed away and i got to be with my dad and my brother on my own… i somehow ruined her day but im the one left with fucking guilt over NOTHING and crying all day. im sick of this feeling, im sick of having fights over nothing, im sick of her hypocrisy, im sick of her attitude and her way of angering so fast… i hate that im like her… i should have cut deeper lmfao

fucked up last night, got kicked out for a second time, then had to go to the hospital and get stitches for the first time... feeling the stitch go through your skin is such an odd feeling... anyways im home and that certainly calmed things down between my mom and i...

fuck sex, i want a hug lmfao.. one of those « i burry myself into your chest and you hold onto the back of my head like im the most precious thing and yet it’s suffocatingly tight and i never wanna let go » kinda hugs, i want to melt into someone and feel at peace..

got kicked out for the first time ever… when i was younger my mom would forbid me from leaving the house when we would get into fights… this time our fight was very adult, lots of strong words and no regrets on my part. i got out words ive wanted to yell at her for DECADES, i held my ground, threw her stupid fucking finger out of my face and towered over her and yelled at her louder then she did with me… i packed my stuff and left, legit left the province.. the only reason im back is my dad, god bless his poor soul.. never in my life have i heard him cry like that and i dont intend on being the reason that he breaks down a second time. so im here, reluctantly, and silently.. no more whimsical me, no more energetic me, just me. here. living. the bitch gets nothing more out of me from now on.

cant tell if my mommy issues makes me want to be cared for or to care for others... maybe a bit of both, either way, i just want to be seen man...