on deleting social media.
Why I did it:
A simple sentence that encapsulates my reason for going social media free is: To experience the world for myself.
Let me elaborate (a blog is made to fill a space with words after all).
I've always cared, a little too much. Whether it be caring about how others think about me, or just plain caring about others. It stems from a childhood filled with neglect, though it wasn't anyone's fault. It was simply a result of circumstance. My family members are all wonderful people. They just happened to welcome a child who was too observant, too sympathetic, and too quiet. As long as there was any semblance of life in my presence, my first thought would be to care about them. How are they feeling? Why does their face look so sad? This characteristic of mine made me feel extremely lonely. I always felt like no one cared about me the way I do them. Eventually, this made me seek attention, through superficial things. I tried anything I could to affirm my existence. I was always a top student in school, I always dressed well, and any talent that I felt like I lacked, I would look to the best of the best for inspiration and learning.
I felt like an attention seeker.
I wasn't one.
But it felt as if everyone thought I was vain, and cold.
All I wanted was for one person to notice me, and to tell me, "I know exactly how you feel."
As the months and years passed, I felt less and less able to use my words to express myself. I hid behind anonymous blogs, and hidden social media accounts. I didn't want to seem like an attention seeker to those who already knew me. That's not who I am. So, even when those "private" accounts gained success, I didn't tell a single person I personally knew. My friends were jealous of me, and my parents wouldn't understand. I still kept myself hidden.
All of this, made me extremely susceptible to other people's thoughts and opinions of me, when it came to my outward presentation. I had broken myself up into pieces. I didn't know who I was. I could be anything anyone wanted me to be, except who I wanted to be.
After 23 agonizing years of trying to piece myself together, I'm finally letting go of everybody else, and focusing on my own image of me. I left social media with the intention to experience life through my eyes only. I want my own opinions to come to full form. I want my dreams to still feel like dreams - ones that I will charge towards with all my might. I don't want any external influence from single persons, good or bad, unless they are from those I trust.
We are all ever evolving, not into tigers, hawks, CEOs, or celebrities, but into ourselves. I want to be myself.
A little poem:
~ Chenchen I'm a poet and artist, aiming to make the world less of a lonely place.
