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Anthony is Dead: The Funeral Roast - Anthony: The Musical by Angela Girratana & Chanse McCrary
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(Angela and Chanse walk up to the camera, backward caps on their heads[1], looking towards it as they start talking)
Angela: Hey Chanse.
Chanse: Yes?
Angela: You know how they gave us 10 minutes to do whatever we want, you think what Iām thinking?
Chanse: I think what youāre thinking.
Angela: Yeah.
(Chanse starts talking directly towars camera)
Chanse: So thereās the thing: we bought the rights to Anthonyās life on Craigslist and we made a play out of it.Ā
Chanse: So, we present:
(They move their bodies to form an A)
Both: Anthony: The Musical!
Angela, singing:
An emo girl on YouTube, but nothing strikes a cord..
A dude that hears music in video games, but knows thereās something more..
A salesman who sells phallic foods, but nobody thinks itās funny..
A white teenage guy, in 2005, with no one to give him money...[2]
Both:
Who do we give our money?
Chanse (Anthony): So youāre saying I just press this button here and a video goes to the entire Internet, Ian?
Angela (Ian): Yeah, Iām Ian.
Chanse (Anthony): Well, here goes nothing. (toches near the camera with his finger, then waves) Hey guys!
Chanse (Anthony), singing:
My name is Anthony, and Iām here to say
I make funny things, in a teenage way
Pokemons or the parodies, for adolescents
Too scared to smoke weed!
āCause Iām the-
Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!
Chanse (Anthony): We need a catchphrase
Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!
Angela (Ian): Shut uup!
Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!
Chanse (Anthony), singing: And Ianās here too!
(Angela (Ian) pats Chanse (Anthony), peeking out from behind his shoulder)
Angela (Ian): Iām right here.
(Chanse (Anthony) moves aside)
Chanse (Anthony): Oh, sorry.
Chanse, narrating: Meanwhile, at the YouTube headquartersā¦
Chanse (Anthony): Mr. YouTube! Mr. YouTube!
(Angela (Mr. YouTube) is shown walking with an umbrella, using it as walking stick)
Angela (Mr. YouTube): Ah! Donāt bother me now, Iām in an awful mood, after a bad call with a store runner!
Chanse (Anthony): Well-
Angela (Mr. YouTube): They-! They are crushing us in the horny teen demographic! They are absolutely crushing us! I feel like Iām trapped in a box, man! A box, man!
Chanse (Anthony): Well, thatās just what I was gonna say! Look at this!
Chanse, narrating: Ladies and gentleman: Two teenage boys!
Both, singing:
Man with the viral touch!
Chanse (Anthony): Weāre getting monetized!
Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!
Chanse (Anthony): We sold to Defy!
Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!
Chanse (Anthony), singing: But I still want moreā¦
Angela (Ian): (progressively draping herself over Chanse (Anthony)ās shoulders, her face getting more deranged) Anthony!! How cool is this! We have movies, TV shows, Babble adds! Weāre gonna do this thing until we literally work ourselves into the grave! Isnāt it great?! I love you, but Iām also weirdly and constantly comparing myself to you when youāre around!
Chanse (Anthony): (shrugs Angela (Ian) off) Oh, my God!
Chanse (Anthony), singing:
Why would you make me hot, when Iām so smart?
Can I get to a place where Iām notā¦
Both: Hot and smart...
I made this back when I was sick,
My hair is grey and my waletās thick
And my best friend gives me the ick
(falls at his knees)
What is next? What should I do?!
(bangs his fist on the ground)
This is not the Smosh I knew!
(looks down on his hands)
Chanse (Anthony): But- I can fix this, right? Cause Iāmā¦
(Angela (Ian) walks up to him and kneels down next to him)
Chanse (Anthony), singing:
Should I even tryā¦ (Angela (Ian) awkwardly puts her hand at his arm, but he brushes it off and stands up)
Iām gonna quit Defy
Now itās me, myself andā¦ (turns back and sees Angela (Ian), then looks back away)
Meā¦
Chanse, narrating: We cut to Anthony two years later. Heās making his own content, which is mostly him talking about why he left Smosh, over, and over, and overā¦ and over again. Itās not sustainable, and he knows it.
Angela (Anthony): Think Anthony, ugh come on! Your channel is getting terrible views, itās almost like your content is really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad. Come on, I can do this! What do I have that Smosh doesnāt? Thinkā¦
Angela (Anthony), singing:
Comedy is bullshit,
Vlogingās just for squares
Iām saying that ācause I tried both and views just donāt compare,
To what I hadā¦
Both:
What should I do?
(camera gets really close up to Angela (Anthony)ās face, with her holding her fist up in front of her like sheās singing into a mic)
Angela (Anthony), scream-singing:
I GOTTA FIND MY NEW SEEELF!!!
MAKE MY OWN FIVE MINUTE HIT!!!
I GOTTA FIND MY NEW SEEEELF!!!
OR I WILL LOSE MY FUCK-ING SHIT!!!Ā
Angela (Anthony): Think Anthony! Cāmon! Do some yoga! (camera pans down to show Chanse doing a Crow Pose[3]) Downward dog- (gibberish)[4] Ugh! Itās not working!
Angela (Anthony): Wait! The answersā¦ (looks down at her hands) theyāre in the tats!
Angela (Anthony), singing:
Dig down deep, search myself!
Need something o-ri-gi-nal!
If only! I could know! POVs outside mine own!
Both:
Sexworkers, Kidz Bopps or adult babies!
Ex-mormons, trans people, nudists, furries!
Huge bodybuilders, professional cuddlers!
Flat Earthers or strippers, and substitute teachers!
Angela (Anthony):
But most Importantly!
They get to talk to me!
Chanse, narrating: And just like that, he found it: āI spend a day withā¦ā - a show where Anthony interviews marginalized people for an hour and then keep all the profits! You know, like a hero! And just like thatā¦
Angela (Anthony), scream-singing:
I FOUND MY NEW SEEELF!!!
IāVE MADE MY OWN FIVE MINUTE HIT!
NOW THAT I FOUND MY NEW SEEELF!!!
I DONāT NEED SMOSH, IāM! THE!! SHIT!!!
Chanse, narrating: Meanwhile, across the river at Smoshā¦
Both, singing:
(both of them move from one side of the view to the other, hunched over as if searching and moving their hands like robots, completing it by accenting their singing like ārobotsā)
Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?
Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?
Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?
Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?
(camera panes out toward the organ)
Josh: Ha! Iām Rhett and Link! And we'll take your channel and see if it will pizza! *menacing laugh*
(camera pans back)
Both: *screeching*
(Chanse is shown wearing blond wig)
Chanse (Shayne): Agh, Iām Shayne, and Iāve been carrying the channel on my back for so long and I canāt hold on much longer! Smosh is in trouble! If we donāt do something immediately, weāre toast! You have to make the call, Ian!
Angela (Ian): Iām Ian and I wonāt make that phone call.
Chanse (Shayne): You must!
Angela, narrating: Meanwhile, at Anthonyās mansionā¦
Chanse (Anthony), singing:
My channelās finally found a voice,
And Iām making so much money
But if Iām being honest, I miss my friend,
And being funnyā¦
Angela (Ian): *ring ring ring* Hey, uhā¦ Itās Ian.
Chanse (Anthony): Itās Anthonyā¦?
Angela (Ian): Yeah, I know, uh- I was just wonderingā¦Ā
Chanse (Anthony): What?
Angela (Ian): Listen, I really like the work youāre doing; Giving people with different perspectives a platform, butā¦ Doesnāt any part of you want to go back to making the same, ill-informed, sexist, homophobic content weāve made fifteen years ago?
Chanse (Anthony): Wowā¦ I spent a day with so many people, but I guess the only person that I havenāt spent a day withā¦ (exaggeratedly shrugs) is my best friend.
Angela (Ian), singing: Iāll spend a day with you!
Chanse (Anthony), singing: (in a much deeper voice that he used before) Youāll spend a day with me!
Both, singing: Weāll spend a day together, once again,
Weāre Ian and Anthony!
Iāll spend a day with you!!!
Chanse (Anthony): Weāll summon a demon!
Youāll spend a day with me!
Chanse (Anthony): Be given an (?) !
And the future of Smosh is okay,
Cause Iāll spend a day,
Iāll spend a day,
Iāll spend a day!
Angela (Ian): *sigh* Everything is back to normal
Chanse (Anthony): Yeah! Let's agree to never sell our creative property to a major corporation again
Angela (Ian): Let's never ever ever do that!
(Both turn to look directly into the camera while pointing at it)
Both: Hold us to it!
(They look back towards each other)
Chanse (Anthony): And one more thing. We should address the sexual tension between us, thatās perpetrated not only by fans but our own actions, on screen AND OFF. Letās talk about it, right here. Right nowā¦
(They slowly move closer, grasping and embracing each other as if they were about to kiss)
(Then Chanse (Anthony) abruptly pushes Angela (Ian) back and sharply turns away)
Chanse (Anthony): No, hah!
Chanse, narrating: We cut to the Smosh studio where the whole gang is reunited.
Angela: Iām a Smosh cast and half of us are late to the meeting!
Both: (jumping up in excitement) Yay!!
Both, singing:
āCause heās the man with the viral touch!
Chanse: Iāll spend a day with you!
Both: Man with the viral touch!
Angela: I only wanna be with you!
Both: Man with the viral touch!
And we have all
Been!!
Touched!!!
ā¦
..
.
(Music abruptly cuts off)
To Be Continuedā¦
.
References:
[1] - These caps have written "Ian" and "Anthony", with Amanda and Chanse wearing them respectivelly. I just wrote down who is playing which role at the moment (cause they do switch the caps) for simplicity
[2] - They make this bit in the TNTL #143 (the second musical one)
[3] - The Crow Pose, also called Kakasana
[4] - the gibberish sounded like a butchered version of original name for the Downward Dog yoga pose (written in latin it being Adho Mukha Svanasana), but I didn't know how to write it's botched version so the reference would still be clear
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ā¢ No registration required ā¢ HD streaming
