When you were grouped together for class assignments, he never tried to complain to the teacher about needing another partner. He didn’t just dump all the work on you so that he didn’t have to spend any time with you. And to you, someone who felt lost and confused in their own skin until you started to take the testosterone and started growing into features that you had always wanted - appreciated that more than you could ever know. Not friends, exactly, even though you had joined his Film Club. But something a little kinder than just acquaintances.  

Developing a crush on the long-haired, shy boy was easier than expected. As you transitioned from a straight female into a gay male, your feelings and hormones were all over the place but the way that your heart started beating faster and how your words seemed to come out so awkwardly when you were around him, that never once changed. But unfortunately, one other thing that never changed was the fact that his blue eyes were almost always focused on Kirby Reed. 

Of course, he was a straight guy, so he was never going to look at you that way. But you could dream, couldn’t you? You can imagine that he was looking at you while talking about movies during the Film Club. Or that you were sitting beside him on a couch during the club nights at Kirby’s house, holding hands underneath the blanket. Or that you and he were sharing the same hot and heavy scenes that couples do in the movies before they usually get slaughtered by some slasher. You could dream and imagine. But it didn’t come without a little bit of hurt when you were snapped back to reality. 

And reality was crashing down hard today. The Film Club was having a party, not just a movie watching night. It was Kirby and Jill’s idea, and they were the ones that had put it together at Kirby’s large, and usually empty, house. You really debated going or not, standing in front of your mirror and trying on different outfits. This was totally different from the usual thing. Movie nights, you were all sitting in the dark, in different places on the couch or on the floor, usually wrapped in blankets. There wasn’t much talking until after the movies were done and that’s when you’d just see yourself out, no one really stopping you. But a party? With drinking and talking and dancing and who knows what else. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be discouraging me from parties?” You asked your mom, who was helping you to put together your outfit. Despite taking a little time to come around to your transition, she has become your biggest supporter. She was unrolling the collar from your shirt where it had gone into the neckline. “Teenage drinking, bad? Drugs bad? All of that sleazy sexy stuff, bad?” 

“You need a healthy dose of rebellion,” Your mother said, looking you over and then shook her head, going back to your closet. “Just don’t get alcohol poisoning, and don’t try anything harder than weed.” 

“Mom!” You groaned, taking off the shirt that you had just put on.  

“And remember, I put those condoms in your wallet. Don’t nag at me about not needing them either. I didn’t think that I needed one and look at what happened,” She hummed, and looked over her shoulder at you while tugging out one of your favorite shirts. “What about this one?” 

“Anything to get me out of here,” you said, snatching it from her and put it over your head. With your binder on to press in what little you had on your chest, it sat rather well, looking flat against your body. That and a comfortable pair of pants, and you guessed that you were ready to party. “Should I ... really go? What if they don’t want me there?” 

“They invited you, didn’t they?” 

“Maybe they meant everyone in the film club except for me. It’s not like I’m friends with them or anything, exactly.” 

“Isn’t this a good place to start?” Your mother said softly. “You can even borrow the car if you promise me that you won’t drink. That way you can leave when you like.” 

You sighed and let her give you the keys. She really was your number one supporter - and sometimes, MAYBE, on OCCASION, she made good points. Maybe you’ll finally be able to talk to Charlie tonight. It seemed unlikely given your promise not to drink but - it was possible. 

-- 

Music could be heard as soon as you got out of the car. You parked on the street since the long driveway was filled up to the brim. You put your hands in your pockets as you started to walk up towards the brightly lit house, pausing near the front door. What was party etiquette? You had never been here without knocking before. The music was so loud, there was no way that it would be heard if you did it now.  

Tentatively, you opened the door, and the music grew louder. There were a couple of people milling around the living room but most of the noise, and the action, seemed to be coming from the kitchen. You nodded towards the people that you knew and followed the sounds of the cheering.  

“CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!” 

It was louder than the beat coming from the speakers, like a song of its own. A chant. A ritualistic calling out.  

It was Robbie that was doing the chugging. For some odd reason, this group had poured a bunch of beers into a juice pitcher, and he was drinking it right from the spout. The froth was all over his upper lip, coating the end of the nose, but he kept on going. Your own nose curled at how that must have smelt. Beer always gave you this feeling of going to sneeze.  

“Oh hey!” Kirby said, coming up beside you. From the smell of her, she had just been chugging too. “Did you - drive here?” She paused to hiccup. 

“Uhh - yeah,” you said with an uncertain nod. 

“Nooo,” She pouted. “I wanted you to chug too. Do you want to stay over? You can totally sleep over here, then we can really party tonight.” 

Now that was an invitation that you certainly had not been expecting. “Umm - my mom needs the car in the morning, I’d better not,” You lied quickly. 

“Come on Kirby, stop trying to pressure him,” Olivia said, saving your butt in that moment. And the way that she had just casually called you him ... it brought on a sort of fluttering feeling in your stomach. Maybe coming here wasn’t such a bad idea after all. “Besides, that means more booze for us!” 

“True!” Kirby said, lighting back up. “There are some sodas in the fridge if you get thirsty, I guess. Help yourself?” 

“Thanks Kirby,” you said with a light smile. You were going to do that, making your way to the large fridge and opening it up. The contents of it proved how rich Kirby’s family was. There was so much produce in there, good stuff from the farmers markets too, all packed up in neat containers. Not like the thin plastic bags from the grocery store that your own family used. Another wave of jealousy towards the blonde girl came over you and you took a can of your favorite soda down from the shelf.  

“Hey, can I get one?” 

The voice made you jump. You had just been closing the door to the fridge when it seemed like Charlie had popped up out of nowhere, right behind it. He chuckled a little at scaring you, running his hands through his extremely soft-looking, fluffy long hair. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you,” he said, sheepishly. 

“It’s okay,” you said slowly, and grabbed another can before letting the door close completely. “Here.” 

“Thanks y/n,” he said, holding up the soda like he was giving a cheer, and then walked off to cheer on Robbie. You watched him go, that butterfly feeling from earlier increasing inside of your stomach. You quickly took a drink to try to drown those butterflies so you could act like ... well, a normal person. A normal guy at a party.  

Robbie finished chugging, and looked like he was going to blow chunks at any second. You winced as he opened up his mouth, expecting him to gag, but he let out a huge belch instead and patted his stomach. It was nearly as disgusting as you thought it was going to be. But everyone was cheering him on, like not barfing was something to be totally proud of. 

“Let’s play some games,” Kirby said with excitement, starting to pull people into the living room. You followed along, holding onto your can of soda, curious to see what kind of games she would be pulling out. “Everyone sit in a circle! Come on, everyone!” 

It seemed a little juvenile but ... you just wanted to be part of the group, so you sat down next to Olivia, who gave you a friendly smile. You returned it back, and watched as Kirby put a beer bottle down in the middle of the circle, making people groan, 

“Spin the bottle? We’re not in junior high,” Jill said, nudging the pretty blonde. 

“That’s why it’s a mix of Spin the Bottle and Seven Minutes in Heaven,” Kirby said with a big grin. “Come on, I’ve wanted to play this since we cleaned out that closet over there,” She motioned to what you had just assumed to be a broom closet. Oh god. Spin the Bottle was one thing but Seven Minutes in Heaven? Being stuck in a closet with someone. You made the moves to start getting up, already thinking about excuses but someone beat you to it. 

Trevor Sheldon. He never really liked you. And he had always made it perfectly clear. While most people at least tried to go along with your pronouns, or simply just forgot, he made sure to use ‘she/her’ while looking right into your eyes, making sure that it would hurt. He’d tell you that your ‘jugs were too good’ to be wasted on becoming a guy. Once, while drunk, he even offered to ‘treat you like a woman so good, you’ll forget all this boy nonsense’. Out of everyone here, he was the one that you disliked the most, but it was an avoidant sort of hate. Not a ‘mess with him’ sort of hate.  

“Oh, if that thing is playing, I’m out,” Trevor said, pointing directly at you, making your cheeks start to feel warm from the shame of being called out like this.  

“Oh, shut up Trevor,” Jill said to her ex-boyfriend.  

“Yeah, are you scared you’d like it if he was in the closet with you?” Jenny Randall said. There was drama between that boy and those two girls, so you’ve heard, so you figured that they weren’t actually sticking up for you. They just wanted to kick him down. 

“It’s okay, I can go,” you said, not wanting to cause a scene.  

“No, come on y/n, stay,” Kirby said, reaching out for you with grabby arms. “I want you to play with us. You never come out to these things. Trevor can fuck off; we don’t care about him.” 

Trevor scoffed, looking offended as the girls ganged up on him. You hesitantly sat back down with a little smile, mouthing a thank you to Kirby. She just gave you the biggest and brightest smile. She was really hard to dislike, but so easy to feel jealous of. She just had it all. She was perfect. You could completely understand why someone like her would keep Charlie’s head turned.  

“Fuck you guys,” Trevor said, shooting the middle finger. “I wouldn’t want to end up with any of you in the closet anyway.” 

“Thank god for that,” Jill retorted back. “Now that he’s gone, I’m going first.” 

She spun the bottle in the middle of the circle. To your relief, it didn’t land on yourself - nor did it land on Charlie. It landed on Robbie who turned beet red - which wasn’t that far off from the color that the alcohol had turned him, and they disappeared inside of the closet. 

“What are we supposed to do while they’re in there?” Olivia asked.  

“Now, we play truth or dare,” Kirby said, setting up a timer on her phone so she’ll know when to get them out of the closet. 

Truth or Dare was just as juvenile as it sounded. You picked truth, since you didn’t know what kind of dares they would come up with. The ‘truths’ were bad enough.  

“Are you a virgin?” - Yes. 

“What’s something you never told anyone?” “I actually like the sandwiches they serve in the cafeteria.” 

“Are you ticklish?” “Only when caught off-guard. 

Jill and Robbie finally get to come out of the closet after that. Robbie is still blushing, looking super bashful while Jill is trying to hold back a smile of some sorts. Something happened in that closet - but you felt you were probably better off not knowing. 

“I’ll go,” Charlie volunteered, a little eagerly. Almost everyone in the circle cheered. You just smiled a little uneasily, your heart starting to beat fast in your chest. It was just as likely to land on Kirby, his dream girl, as it was to land on you. Could also land on someone pretty, like Olivia. Or even Jenny. The perfect, pretty blondes. You balanced your elbow on your knee and leaned your head against your palm, trying to look unbothered. Trying to look bored. 

Until it lands on you. 

Everyone was looking at you strangely now, as if you had been the one who chose for it to land on you. Probably figuring out how something like this would work. 

“You can spin again if you want, Charlie,” Jill said, which made your heart fall right down into your stomach. The fact that she even suggested that out loud.  

“No, it’s alright,” Charlie shrugged, and held out his hand to you. “C’mon, let’s play this stupid game.” 

To tell the truth, the way that he said that didn’t make you feel much better. But you took the opportunity to grab onto his hand and get yourself up off of the ground.  

And he didn’t let go once you were up. That was the most noticeable thing. He was still holding your hand while you walked a couple of feet towards the closet.  

“Starting the timer!” Kirby said, grinning as Charlie closed the doors, leaving the both of you in darkness. It was still rather cramped, despite the fact that it was cleaned out. You could feel his presence in front of you, and you were still holding his hand. You just became hyperaware of everything that was around you, from the warmth of his body to the single coat that was hanging on the rack, a fake fur monstrosity.  

“Sorry you got stuck with me,” you said, rubbing the back of your neck. You certainly didn’t want to be the first one to let go of his hand. You didn’t want to make him realize that he was still holding yours too.  

“I’m not stuck,” Charlie said, the slight raise in his hand telling you that he was shrugging. “I - uhh - I was kind of ... hoping for this. Actually.” 

Oh. Oh lord. You were glad that you were in the dark now because the look on your face must have been hilarious. “You were hoping for this?” You prodded, hoping that he would continue. 

“Yeah,” Charlie said. His own voice sounded nervous. A bit shaky. “I wanted to umm ... talk to you, for a while now. There’s something that’s been on my mind.” 

“What’s that Charlie?” You asked, attempting to keep your voice somewhat level. 

“You’re ... a guy, right? Sorry, that sounds so stupid. But that’s what you identify as right, that’s what ... you are?" 

“Uh, yeah. That is what I identify as so ... that’s how I prefer to be ... perceived.”  

“So technically if I were to ... uh, like you, I would be gay?”  

This had to be the most awkward, and yet heart-pounding conversation that you ever had in your life. You weren’t even sure what to do, what to say. And his hand was still holding yours and you were sweating, and he was sweating and - 

“Uhh yeah - or bisexual, since you ... like girls too. Or pansexual? There’s like this whole spectrum thing, I ... have some books about it?" 

“No, that’s okay, I don’t want to read a book,” Charlie said quickly. His fingers fiddled with your hand, rubbing the back of it, before he pulled you in slightly closer. Your chest was against his. You could just barely make out his figure through the thin watery light coming through the gaps in the door. Mostly, what you saw was hair. “Are you gay, or bi, or the other thing you said?” 

Your words got caught in your throat, and you had to calm yourself for a couple of seconds before you answered. You had never been so close to your crush before. “I’m - gay. I like guys.”  

“Like - me?” He asked. It was definitely a question, not a statement, not at all cocky but curious, delicate.  

“Oh god, um -” You mumbled. “Yeah. Like ... you. Sorry, this is such a weird place to tell you thaa-” 

You were cut off, your words turning into a muffle by lips upon your own. Charlie’s lips. He tasted of the cola that he had drank earlier, still slightly fizzy almost. Smooth. Your eyes close, not that it makes a difference since you can’t see very much anyway, and you squeeze his hand as you kiss him back. As he pulls away, you can hear his breath getting heavier, and realize yours has joined him in that. 

The dark made Charlie feel brave. It always had. It’s when he could forget the mousiness of his appearance and act like the man that he knew he was inside. The more assertive one who took risks. The one who could do what needed to be done. The MAN. Not the boy.  

So he wrapped his other arm around your waist, keeping you close to him. “This okay?” He asked into your ear. You nodded the affirmative and he went in for another kiss. You weren’t sure what to do with your hands, this was your first make out session ... ever. Your thoughts were racing - did you put your arm around him too, or would that be too weird? No, you decided to go for the hand in the hair, pushing it away from his face, holding it back so it didn’t tickle your cheeks as you kissed him back.  

He kept surprising you. He moaned into the kiss, his hand wandering down slightly. Grabbing your ass. You gasped into the next kiss and he then he pulled away chuckling. “I don’t think I’m totally gay but - I think you changed my mind about some things.” 

“It’s ... good to be open-minded?” You said, struggling for words, the smile on your face so wide your cheeks are sore. 

His hand was so warm against your hip, so aware were you of it. And then he kissed you again - which told you a lot. He didn’t have regrets. He knew what he was doing. the closer seemed to warm up by a couple of degrees or was that just you? His lips were so completely soft, much like the rest of his appearance, much like his hair.  

And he was good at showing what he wants. He moved towards your neck, kissing it, making you moan slightly yourself, hiding it behind clenched teeth because you didn’t want anyone else to find out what was happening in here. You could hear laughter outside of the door - someone had done a funny dare. You were safe for now. But oh, his lips on your neck was starting to drive you crazy. “I don’t want to stop,” Charlie mumbled into your neck. 

“We still have at least five minutes,” You countered, your voice not shaking or trembling, actually sounding ... confident. You felt more than accepted. You were feeling invited. Wanted. Valid. 

His hand started to go underneath your shirt, and you froze only for a second. He felt something tight on your torso, which made him break away with confusion. “What’s that?”  

“My binder, to uh - make me look more masculine,” you told him. “Sorry, maybe I should have said something-” 

“No, that’s fine,” he said, laughing a little. “You could touch me instead?” 

You hesitated but only for a second. Fuck it right? This chance might not come again, and it was only a bit of touching. Your hands went to the hem of his light shirt, and then your fingertips pressed onto the pale, soft skin beneath. A shiver went through Charlie’s body, big enough for you to feel. It excited you in return, that you were having this effect on the boy that you liked. It made you feel bolder, hands slipping upward, the skin soft, hairless. And there were hints of muscle there too, which you wouldn’t have expected, and it wasn’t just skinny boy muscle either - he was more fit than you thought. His hand tightened back around your hip, thumb skimming over the bone. He went back to kissing your neck, your jaw, sloppy kisses but you weren’t complaining. Up your hands went, feeling small nipples which made you smile to yourself. There was just something funny about that. But then you realized that his body was trembling ever so slightly. 

Charlie was very reactive. 

“More,” He pleaded with you, his lips meeting your own once more, in an all-encompassing desperate kiss. So you acquiesced. You gave in, moving your hands to his back and let your short nails scrape down the skin there, making his tremor even worse, a breathy moan exiting his mouth and erupting into yours. His tongue then entered along with it, and you got a real taste of him for the first time. 

“More?” You asked him, during a slight breathing break, moving to kiss his neck now, giving him the treatment that he had been giving you. He let out a deep breath and nodded, unable to say anything more. You felt around his hips, those jutting hipbones from his thin frame and then lingered over the waistband of your jeans. You had come this far. Why not go all in? You unbuttoned him, slid the zipper down slowly. That was all that it took for him to push his hips further and you felt his arousal against your hand. “Whoa,” you said, feeling how hard he was already.  

“Come on,” He whimpered. “Been thinking of this forever.” 

“Me in a closet with you?” You asked, unable to hide the surprise. 

“Just you -” he said, and then started to stutter as you palmed him through his boxers. Your first time ever holding an actual dick. You both were aroused by it ... and jealous of it. It felt like the absolute perfect size. “P-p-please don’t t-tease me - need m-more.” 

“And you think four minutes is going to be enough?” You asked him, stroking the thin and soft fabric that was surrounding him. 

“Only gonna need one with you - please,” He pleaded. And if that wasn’t just the sexiest thing that you ever heard. You went back to kissing his neck, being careful not to suck on it though you wanted to. There was still a small part of you that didn’t want Charlie to get teased over being any sort of intimate with you. You were used to being the butt of a joke - he didn’t deserve it. But you did run your tongue over his Adam’s apple as you slipped your hand inside of those boxers and felt him entirely. He was so warm, so smooth. There was a bit of hair down there, but it wasn’t uncontrollable. It actually added to it, bringing out some contrast in the textures. A moan overtook him then, another shiver from head to toe. A very quiet “fuck” came out of him in a whisper. And a wetness against your fingers - pre-cum. You slid it across the head of his cock with your thumb, and then started to pump the way that you had seen in porn. You weren’t COMPLETELY innocent, after all. Just because you had never done this before didn’t mean you didn’t have some idea of what to do. 

And he was putty in your hands. His head leaned back, exposing more of that beautiful neck to your lips as you jacked him off inside of the closet. He was muttering your name over and over, which made your heart race. He knew it was you. Despite all of the darkness, where he could have been thinking or imagining someone else, he was sticking with the reality that it was you. His hands then suddenly, almost brutally, held your hips hard, hands clenching maybe leaving slight bruises, but you didn’t care. His mouth found yours again, and he used your lips to stifle the moans that came out of him as he came right into your hands. It was hot, sticky, thicker than you had imagined it to be. He thrusted up into your palm a couple of times with each squirt before he let his head down onto your shoulder, forehead digging into the bone. “Fuck y/n,” He whispered. “Your hands are so good.” 

“Thanks,” You breathed, still feeling his kiss upon your lips. “From what I felt of yours, they’re good too.” 

“Thanks,” he said, his tone shyer this time. You released your hand from him and put it down to your own side. You held onto the handful of sperm, suddenly realizing that you didn’t know what to do with it. As you heard him do his zipper back up, you tried to figure it out. The game wasn’t over so if you just ... let it drip onto the ground or wipe it on the only coat in here, it could be found. It would be weird if you just licked it off right? Plus, you weren’t even sure if you would like it. What if it tasted rancid? It certainly didn’t smell the most appealing. So, despite the awkwardness, you just sort of held it. Put your hands together behind your back, one under the other to make sure that it didn’t spill. 

“Fuck, I still can’t believe we did that,” Charlie said. You couldn’t see him much in the darkness, just an outline of movement, but you could imagine him pushing his hair out of his face now, his cheeks pink. “Do you think we could do this again sometime? But maybe not in a closet, with all of our friends outside. But a place where we could ... you know, not have to muffle everything?” 

Another round of laughter outside. As if they knew what was going on in here. And now all you could think about was what he would sound like without restraint. Those moans. Those whispered curses. All in that sweet and soft voice of his - you would be the one shaking like a leaf if that was to happen. And he wanted to hear you too. He wanted to bring out your own sounds.  

“It would be kind of nice to see you the next time too,” you said, chuckling lightly.  

“Yeah, definitely. So, is that a yes?” 

The door opened and bright light made you squint as you clutched your fingers together behind you. Charlie still looked a little bit red in the cheeks but apart from that, there wasn’t much that gave away that anything had happened in here. “Hickey check!” Kirby joked, moving Charlie’s hair to peek at his neck. You held your breath as she checked yours too and then pouted. “God, you two are boring.”  

“You would think you wouldn’t want people to hook up in your closet,” Charlie joked as he motioned for you to leave first. You did, hoping that the position of your hands wasn’t too suspicious. But no one really said anything about it.  

“I have to go to the bathroom,” you said, eager to wash this off of your hands so you could use them like a normal person. But before you left, you caught Charlie’s eye, and you nodded as an answer to his question. He smiled back widely, and looked away from you before he would start to blush, but his eyes returned to your ass as you walked away and hoped that you would sit next to him when you came back.