Dear 2017 Dee,
I see you. I see you sitting there in the dark, staring at a screen that won’t load, feeling like your world is ending because a profile won't pop up. I see the "sugat-sugat" hands you wrote about—the way you were gripping onto a ghost until your palms bled.
You called yourself buang, baliw, gaga, and tanga. You were so mean to yourself that night. You wanted a medal for your martyrdom, but all you really wanted was for A to be the one to hang it around your neck.
I have some news for you, eight years later.
You survived.
That "pahinga" you kept talking about? You finally took it. And eventually, you stopped reaching for your phone the second you woke up. You stopped being a "stalker" because you realized that looking for him was like drinking saltwater to quench your thirst. You finally "graduated," not because he gave you a medal, but because you walked out of that classroom and realized the sun was still shining outside of him.
But I have to be honest with you: A is still here.
Not in the way you think. I don’t cry over him at 11:18 PM anymore. I don’t check if I’m blocked. I’ve moved on. I’ve lived a thousand lives since that May night. But he is "sa sistema ko." He is the glitch in my software. He is the reason I’m careful with my heart, and he’s the reason I know exactly how much I am capable of giving.
You were so proud of your 4 years of silent love. Well, that love became a part of our DNA. It’s not a "sakit sa puso" anymore; it’s just a quiet scar. Sometimes it itches when it rains, or when a certain song plays, or when I see a date on a calendar.
So, don't be so hard on yourself for being "dakila." You weren't stupid; you were just brave enough to feel something that deeply, even if it was for the wrong person.
You told yourself, "Kakayanin ko ulit."
You did. You stayed "matatag." But the strength didn't come from holding on to him—it came from the moment you finally let go and realized you didn't fall. You flew.
He’s still in the system, but he no longer runs the program.
With love and a much lighter heart,
Dee
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Moved on na, pero may mga files talaga na hindi mo ma-force delete. It’s not about waiting for him anymore; it’s about honoring the version of me that loved that hard. 11:18 PM is no longer a time of crying—it’s just a memory now. 💾✨
031826//939'
