A lil update of my life
I know I said this pretty much a lot of the times but this time, I am really embracing my new self in a way that I'm gonna use this version of me to be the person I want to be.
To look back, was not a good thing for me because I used to be all happy and cute and super nice but I am just not that person anymore because I evolved. I keep finding myself wanting to go be back that person but I'm not. I have been trying to realise this for one year. I had been wanting to go back to my old self for one whole year and it's not working. I'm not perky or nice or patient. I am ruthless and bitchy and I stick up for myself and I tell my truth. You might think this is all good but it's really just me throwing away this part of me that doesn't exist anymore and I really loved that part of me.
For the past few days I've been thinking about all the people I used to hang out with two years ago and I missed them, truly. Today, my sister showed me a picture of my ex situationship and he has grown a beard. Which really, I don't know how to process that because I still have deep feeling for him but that picture made me realise that nothing is the same anymore. Nothing can go back to the way two years ago was. Nothing is happy like it was two years ago. Now, I left him yet somehow it felt like I was the one being dumped. He moved on and I moved on but I didn't move on completely so that picture put me in such rage and fury because I haven't moved much in my life. I know he just grew a beard, I grew my hair too and I dyed them fucking red, when it's supposed to be purple. But the rage, I felt I let it go in the gym.
I have all these unresolved feelings and emotions. I even texted my ex best friend to get his fucking stuff already because I don't fucking want them anymore. And I am kind of tired of having them. His books and his gym equipment.
This is me actually admitting that I haven't moved on at all. I did in a way where I let time heal the wounds but I keep scratching those wounds, thinking they will bring me back to 2022. And they haven't. So I have these weird dreams about my past and these odd signs from the Universe to tell me to move on but I'm just furious. I'm furious because I haven't moved on. Because I can't move on. I am stuck in a place where I can't move on. It's annoying because I want to but I'm a character that holds on to things too tightly and I think I'm just realising how much I need to stop doing that.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Like I can't fucking pass my driver's test and I just failed two UNI exams and I hae the same fucking job for 4 years already that I don't even like. I tried a new job and I didn't like it at all. I don't know where the fuck I am or what am I doing I just know it needs to change. I keep trying to live in the past for some weird reason and I know, my mind knows I cannot do that but my heart is literally pulling me back.
I'm a hopeful person. I always have hope and positivity in me and I cannot turn that off. I wish I could but I can't.
So... this is me changing my life and I have and I'll post a lot of these things because I need to keep up with it. I cannot turn back. I just can't- no matter how much I miss it, I can't hold on to it anymore because physically my heart is throbbing inside my chest. I know that peace is within self but somehow, I just can't find it. I can't find it.
I'm 23 years old, I'm losing my mind here.
