#chachkies

Backyard whittling!

I thought about who I'm writing to when I do. I thought about writing to my father but... I'm clutching my dogtag. I find it difficult to do. I picked them up last time I saw you. The tags. Tag... They were on the centre of my desk in my old room. I thought I lost them last time I stayed with you. Felt like I'd lost a part of myself in them I suppose. I mean, my identity is literally printed on them. I remember looking everywhere for them, before we found them the first time and after they somehow got lost again. I remember looking through every drawer in that desk. I even tore out all the trash from the bin. Funny then, that they were in the envelope in the middle of my desk this whole time. Did you put them there? Where were they? I've kind of swore not to take them off. We'll see how long that lasts. Gee. This is harder than I thought. I want to be honest with you, I do. I just don't know what to say because you're not supposed to say things that aren't nice. Or things you know makes other people sad. I'm not saying you were a bad father just that my immediate thoughts aren't all too positive. I wrote a poem about when I saw you this Christmas. Well, it was more about coming back to my childhood home but it kinda involves you. You've become part of the knick-knacks that you keep around. That you collect. I'm low-key getting hoarding vibes when I come back to your place. You know, I really thought I made you change somewhat when I stayed with you. You started cleaning out the attic. I like organizing. I'm good at managing chaos. But you're not. You need someone to leech off of. Someone else to lead so you can follow. You need someone in your life and that's why I left as quickly as I did. I know that in other cultures people take care of their parents more and I do feel a bit guilty that I can't be there for you more. Not only is it impossible physically/logistically but even if I wanted to put my self there socially, mentally... I know now from experience that my psyche can't take it. It's hard to watch you fade away. I'm wondering what nostalgia looks like to you. Is it vivid? Fully saturated? Is the grass of your youth greener? Is the snow somehow less cold? Lately, every time I feel sentimental or nostalgic, I've been feeling sick to my stomach. Like someone is punching me in the gut. Memories for me have the same tint and vibrancy as the future. It's kinda dull, fuzzy and mostly invisible. I hunger for the future just as much as I yearn for the past. I'm wondering... if you feel the same or if clinging to all of these chachkies brings you comfort. I try to disassociate myself from my memories of the past. That unfortunately includes you. Doesn't mean that I dislike you. Just who I used to be and how I got there... and I suppose ultimately here. I don't have a lot of good memories with you. Not that I have any that are bad either. They're all kinda bland to be honest and that fucking sucks. You were there. But it's like you're a background character. So is mom by the way, so don't beat yourself up about it. It hurts. It hurts to admit to myself that these are my thoughts. I guess I carry a lot inside. I'm trying not to self-edit, trying to just let my thoughts and my fingers flow. That's the whole point of this. To give a raw snapshot of where my mind is at. I guess you've been on my mind a lot recently

#coming soon #chachkies #easter2020 #easterdecor #easterdecorations #easterbunny #carrots🥕 #handmadeeaster #handmadecrafts #rusticeaster #farmhouseeaster #merrymemoriescraftsnj https://www.instagram.com/p/B8rh_5oAR9F/?igshid=qsrv5oss54lj

Day 7 of the #febcraftchallenge Here are some of my #wip and I have to say, I love how they’re turning out. I decided during my short hiatus last year that I’d be focusing more on Fall & Winter decor. In my experience, it seems to be those times of year that most people really decorate their homes for. Oh I’ll have Spring & Summer holiday merchandise as well, but Fall is MY favorite (and I have alllll this yarn) so I’m on it! #knickknacks #chachkies #sewing #makers #fellowmakers #crafters #craftersofinstagram #etsymaker #etsyhandmade #merrymemoriescraftsnj #craftcommunity #sewingismytherapy https://www.instagram.com/p/B8TjAM0AIys/?igshid=1d8sh7svsg8t6

Pineapple & Puzzle. #brooklyn #funtimes #travels #pineapple #housedecor #icebucket #homedecor #chachkies #gold (at New York, New York)

Tina’s Kitchen