With spring semester upon us, it’s time for sophomores to officially declare a major. Still not sure which path you should take? We’re here to help! Take this simple quiz to find out what you should major in.

1. How desperate are you to please your parents?

A) If I get all A’s they’ll take me to Cold Stone.

B) They say they’ll be proud of me no matter what and I want to push that to its limits.

C) My dad climbed up a really tall tree and says he won’t come down until I get into med school.

D) My sister goes to Brown.

2. What do you think of Foucault?

A) He looks like an egg and I’d kick his ass

B) I’d do anything to suck his dick

C) He seems like a fine gentleman with a nice smooth head

D) Who-cault? Ha ha, just kidding. I’m more of a Kant guy myself.

3. How gay are you?

A) 5%

B) 35%

C) 80%

D) 100%

4. Describe your wardrobe.

A) One extra large sweatshirt covered with cheeto stains

B) Earth tones, sad clogs, and lots of buttons

C) Skin-tight magenta jumpsuits and statement necklaces

D) Floppy hats and dungarees

5. What do you like to spend your Sunday afternoon doing?

A) Diving into a pool of money like Scrooge McDuck.

B) Reading an Emily Dickinson poem and crying

C) Dropping microscopes off of a balcony.

D) Just fuckin’ all day long

RESULTS:

If you got mostly

A’s: Economics. Enjoy your supply and demand curves, you dirty capitalist.

B’s: Philosophy, English, & Dance Triple Major. You’re a passionate, curious person with many distinct and equally impractical interests.

C’s: Biochemistry: Now you’ll finally have an excuse to wear those lab goggles!

The Dog in the Hat – This is a fine idea but I think it’s missing something.

That’s Not a Wocket in my Pocket – We won’t be able to market a children’s book that’s 100% innuendos.

Horton Joins a Queue

Horton Wears a Shoe

Horton Sits at a Pew

Horton Meets a Jew – Are these even ideas? It sounds like you just put together a funny name and some nouns. Also, I’m concerned about the last one after seeing those political cartoons you drew.

The Two Dogs Who Both Wore Hats – A second dog is not what this was missing. Keep at it, though, I think you’re almost there.

The Dog in the Hat Who Hated Japanese People – You know what, let’s just scratch this idea.

Yertle the Fertile Turtle’s Girdle – This sounds like it may be a bit vulgar. We’re going to pass.

If I Ran the Publishing Company I Write for – Theodore, we’re not publishing your weird turtle porn.

In today’s fast-paced corporate world, it can be hard to keep up with all the terminology. Here is a handy guide to understanding some common phrases used in business!

Fiscal Year – Businesses use a lunar/solar calendar consisting of months that begin at the new moon. Each year has 12 or 13 months, to keep it in sync with the solar year. Years are counted from the date of Creation.

Synergy –  The religious festival that celebrates the deliverance of Business from the bondage of the Egyptians.

Enterprise resource planning – the initiation ceremony of a businessman who has reached the age of 13 and is regarded as ready to observe religious precepts and eligible to take part in public worship.

Vertical integration – Immersion in the mikvah, a ritual bath used for spiritual purification. It is used primarily inconversion rituals and after the period of sexual separation during a woman's menstrual cycles, but many Chasidim undergo vertical integration regularly for general spiritual purification.

Inflation – A sin offering. A type of sacrifice used to atone for and expiate unintentional sins.

As a means of alleviating the stress of my hectic schedule, I have recently begun watching five episodes of The X-Files on Netflix every day. Currently, I am in the middle of the fourth season. In the 80-odd episodes I have watched thus far, I have seen Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully investigate mysteries involving aliens, demons, and bigfoots, always with one goal in mind: uncovering the Truth. However, the show as of yet has failed to confront the most perplexing mystery of all: why haven’t Mulder and Scully hooked up yet?

Having somehow remained oblivious to pervasive social norms for nearly four years, Brandon Lucero ’16 is reportedly still wearing the lanyard provided to him during freshman orientation. Friends and loved ones say they are puzzled and concerned by this behavior. “When we first got here, it seemed like everyone was wearing their lanyard—we just didn’t know any better,” reports Gregg Thompson ’16, Lucero’s freshman year roommate. “After about a month, nearly everyone had come to their senses and stopped wearing them—except Brandon. At the time, I thought maybe he was wearing it as some sort of normcore statement. But I don’t think so anymore. I think he genuinely likes it.”

Lucero has purportedly also had trouble forming meaningful romantic relationships as a result of his lanyard. “When we DFMO’d at Eclectic, I felt an instant spark,” says recent hook-up Taylor Branson ’17. “He invited me to come chill at his house, and I thought he might have been the one. It was when we stepped outside that I made the horrifying discovery: he was wearing a lanyard. I left without a word. It was just too embarrassing.”

Only mere hours after hearing the announcement that in-flight magazine SkyMall has filed for bankruptcy, Wesleyan sophomore Forrest Thompson officially canceled his plans to study abroad in Paris for six months, sources confirmed.

“There just wouldn’t be anything to do on the plane,” said Thompson, lamenting the loss of this hallowed staple of air travel. “The flight to Paris is really long, like six hours, I think. I was really counting on SkyMall to give me something to do. The airlines sometimes have their own magazines, but those usually aren’t very good.”

Thompson was planning on ordering supplies for his months abroad from the notorious mail-order catalogue. “What’s the point of going to Paris if you don’t have a mahogany-handled letter opener?” He added, “I could shop online, but I’m pretty sure the Wi-Fi on the plane costs six dollars. Studying abroad would be a great experience, but I had to be practical.”

In response to the third cyborg uprising of the year, Congress has proposed a new amendment to the constitution that, if ratified, would ban all science. The hope is that this amendment would put a stop to many of the threats that our nation has faced this past century, including hyperintelligent bees, unethical robocops, and moon beasts. All of these dangers, proponents of the amendment argue, were first conceived as a direct result of science.

  President North West has come out in full support of the amendment, explaining her stance in a press conference last Tuesday.

  “Look guys,” she stated, “I know science has given us some cool stuff, like fat-free froyo and sentient cars and the vaccine against all diseases, but it is my belief that science has officially gone too far. As I’m sure we all remember, last year a scientist created birds with human arms because he wanted to ‘bring a classic meme to life.’ And when those birds started punching Congress, who had to deal with the mass bird extermination? Me. I cannot go through that again.”

  She continued, “People have been saying for eons that science is only bad if it falls in to the wrong hands. Well, in this day and age, there are just too many bad hands out there, and some of those hands belong to birds. We need to take science out of everyone’s hands, to protect this great country and its children.”