#ceaton

fearˈfir/

noun

1.an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.synonyms:terror, fright, fearfulness, horror, alarm, panic, agitation, trepidation, dread, consternation, dismay, distress;

verb

1.be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

what do you Fear? Do you Fear being left alone at the alter or the love of your life dying before you do? Do you Fear things that have nothing to do with love? Do you Fear that you will die and have so much potential that was not applied to your Earthly life? Do you Fear letting you parents down or your others that mean the world to you? Do you Fear God refusing grace when you reach the gates of heaven? Do you Fear the wrinkles or the process of aging? I want to know what things make your skin crawl with uncomfortability and pain. 

I want to know what shakes you to your core. What makes your blood boil or better yet, stand still. I want to watch your eyes widen as you talk about the things you never want to happen. I want to lay my head on your chest and listen to you breath in and out, waiting for the pin to drop. Waiting for your heart to start working overtime just to pump blood to all of your extremities and your mouth. Your muscles. I want to watch as they trip over each other as you stammer the words and the possibilities you never wanted to validate by sharing them with another person. But I want to be that person. 

I want to be the person you share your Fear of moments with. I want to be the person who kisses all of the Fears you have ever thought about into imaginary friends. I want to be there when Fear confronts you, holding your hand and looking you in the eye, letting you know that I am not going anywhere. I want to hold you in the closest relation possible to my heart and mind. To offer you compassion on your Fears, to offer you logic when your mind is clouded with Fear’s possible future. 

I also Fear your strength for me. 

I want you to know that Fear already has a hold on my heart.

 I Fear dying before my potential is filled. I Fear dying before changing a child’s life. I Fear children, how they look at me and what they see when I am in front of them pretending to have it all together. I Fear dying before the love of my life. I Fear letting my family down. I Fear not loving what I am doing. What I Fear the most is Love. I am Terrified of Love. The grasp it could have on my heart and my mind. How it could change my logic and my compassion for someone. I Fear change. I Fear depending on someone else and letting people in. I Fear that when you Love someone you have to let them in and I am Terrified of that action. Letting you know all of the bumps and bruises of my life. Knowing where the shadows are still comfortably living. I am Terrified of all of the monsters I have made thinking they were imaginary friends, looking out for my best interest. I Fear you meeting my monsters and deciding I am too much for you. I Fear not being enough for you. I Fear not being enough for myself. 

I Fear being controlled by a someone that is not a someone but a something.

 But the difference from before is that I want to stare Fear in the pupils and grab your hand, gliding past it, never giving it the validation that it was there in the first place. I want to look at you and only seen a warm of brown eyes and a baseball capped rim smile. I want to wake up in the mornings and shake off the fear that this might be the last time I wake up next to you. I want to dive into the dreams and ideas of waking up with you in 5-50 years. I want to melt into the possible blankets and children that would bless our home. I want to close my weary eyes and sink into the terrifying realization that you are not going anywhere. I want to look forward to the long days at school, knowing you would be the one I decompress with at night. I want to come home and slip on my socks and your shirt and fall onto our couch. I want all of the little things. I want a good life with you. I want a life where I am not being controlled by Fear. I want to give up on Fear to put Hope and Trust in you. 

But then I have Fear talking in the back of my mind : “