Anyone want to see Selene try (and fail) to play video games with Alan?
Day 54 of Isolation on Tracy Island and I almost killed Alan today. Mostly because he was laughing so hard he kept choking, wheezing and forgetting to breathe.
What, you might ask, was so funny? Well, he tried to teach me to play a computer game with him. And let's just say… I'm not a natural.
"I'm bored," I whined, stretching out a foot and poking Alan with my toe. "Entertain me."
He looked at me. "How am I supposed to do that?"
"I don't know, suggest something."
"You won't like anything that I want to do."
"I promise I will, I'll give anything a go at the moment, I'm that bored."
"Fine," he handed me a VR headset and a set of hand controllers. "Let's play."
"Oh, oh no! No, this is not for me. Boy, you know I'm a technophobe, I don't play games, I just can't get my head around them."
"You promised you'd try," he reminded me, an evil glint in his eyes and an even eviller smirk on his face.
"Crap." I sighed and slid the heavy goggles onto my face. "You had better pick something easy."
There are, as it turns out, two versions of easy, Alan easy, and me easy. He picked Alan easy, which should be considered very hard for me.
"What are we playing?" I asked.
"Cavern Quest," he replied. "You'll love it, I even set you up with a witch character to go with my Knight. You'll do great."
At least someone had faith in me. Though unfortunately that faith was about to be short lived.
"How do I walk?" I called after him as he sped off like a streak of lightning. Boy was rapid. "Come back!"
"Just use the thumb controls of the left controller to move, push forward or backwards to go forward or backwards and side to side to move left or right."
I pushed forward and was instantly face to face with the floor.
"You fell over. You ran into a stump."
"Push up! Just push the direction you want to go."
I pushed up and ended up looking at the stars. .
A hand grabbed mine and hauled me to my feet.
"Want me to guide you to the first level?"
He towed me along by the hand until we zoomed through a curved doorway into what looked like a castle hall.
A king sat upon a pretty nifty throne, so I guessed that my assumption had been correct.
"Welcome, brave warriors," he boomed. "I am grateful for your assistance. I shall give you five quests, each one more challenging than the last. Complete them all and you will win your place within the ranks of nobility and become a Knight of the Realm."
"Prove your valour and recite the Cavern Quest oath."
Alan nudged my character, and I think me in real life as I felt it in my ribs.
"Just keep up if you can," he whispered then launched into what I assumed was the oath.
"With mystic blades and fire ore, we pledge our honoured best. Many shall fall for only a noble few will pass the test! So come more worthy heroes and bring forth the cavern quest!" Alan finished triumphantly.
"Mystic ore…nobel us…test…Cavern Quest…" I mumbled, the only words I could catch. Alan didn't look impressed.
"You have pledged your fealty, you may now enter."
A set of doors opened before us and Alan dragged me through.
"You have to be on your guard now. You're a witch, so you fight with spells. Use the buttons on your right controller to cast. You simply swoosh and point and hit the right buttons."
I lifted my right hand and swooshed, hitting a random button with my thumb. A shot of red light flew out of my hand and blew up a rock. "Dang."
Alan cracked up laughing but soon sobered as out of the trees lumbered a gigantic troll. He dived at the troll, hammering it with his sword.
"Cast a spell!" he yelled as I shrieked and dived out of the way, trying to karate kick it.
"Oh, yeah, I'm magic," I remembered, fumbling with the controller. I bashed buttons madly, swinging my arm like I was batting away a fly. Coloured sparks shot this way and that, but the only thing I succeeded in hitting was Alan.
"Sorry!" I yelled back. I risked moving a little closer and fell over again.
Alan defeated the troll and picked me back up again, moving us through the rest of the level. It didn't come naturally or easily for me.
"How do I jump?" I demanded.
"Because you're in a bush!"
"Because you fell in lava!"
"HIIIIYAAAAAHHHH take that you beast!"
"That's a dog not a werewolf! Stop hitting him with that stick!"
"No! Don't go through…there."
"I can't see! I'm blind!"
"You walked into a wall and you're still walking."
"You just got yourself stuck in a corner, turn around!"
"Why did I die this time?"
"That tree just fell on you."
I screamed like a banshee when something swooped down out of nowhere and attacked me. I flailed and somehow my thumb hit a button and my hand moved the right way and suddenly the gargoyle was in flames on the floor.
Turned out I didn't got it at all.
We fought our way through the dark forest, taking out elves, fae and the odd goblin. Alan did the majority of the work while I set to work on a few puzzles, all of which provided me with new spells to add to my arsenal.
"For this bit you need to change your form, you cast a spell and become something smaller, like a rat or a toad."
"Duh, you're a witch. Use that new spell, it's easy, left, right, right, left, up."
I toggled along the options until I found a cat and hit the button. A flash of light, a puff of smoke and boom, I was a cat.
"This is so cool! I'm a cat! I have ears! Look at my tail! I can swish." I wiggled my butt back and forth. "Swish, swish, swish,"
"We don't have time for you to play with your tail. You need to go through that pipe and push the button."
I did as I was told and actually managed to complete the mission, opening up a gate for us to go through.
"Now return to yourself."
"I'm stuck! I'm stuck! Alan, help me!"
"You were supposed to get out of the pipe first!"
"You could have told me that!"
"It's common sense!" he yanked at my arms. My avatar didn't budge.
"You're too stuck and you're crushing your own lungs. I'm gonna have to kill you. Sorry about that."
"Just make it quick," I begged. I closed my eyes as he raised his sword.
We moved on once I blinked back into existence after my slaughter at the hand of my team mate. Alan handled all the quest points like the pro that he was, instructing me to go around each area, smash up as much stuff as I could and collect all the objects that fell out.
"Just get all the coins, potion ingredients and magical objects, I'll protect you and do the rest," he promised.
I nodded and proceeded with my one woman rampage of the scenery. I was a button basher, that's all I seemed to be able to do. I found it impossible to coordinate more than one button or movement at a time. I was just about managing to walk, maybe jump and land at a push, everything else was pure dumb luck.
"Yes! Take that you ugly box! Boof! Ha! Give it up, give it all up, I know you've got some gold in there. Quit holding out on me." I smacked the box with an axe that Alan had taken from a suit of armour one level back. The box refused to allow itself to be looted. "Gimme it!!! Gimme the gold! Make me rich, baby!"
I bashed a series of buttons as quickly as I could.
"Why am I a goat? Alan, I'm a goat! Why am I a goat?"
"You cast a spell, change back!"
I tried. "I'm a cow! This is worse!"
He had to stop beating up a wild boar to run over and fix me, laughing the entire time.
"Don't laugh at me! You're body shaming me!"
He actually had to hold his breath for a few seconds to calm down before he could talk me through getting back to my former self.
I returned to the chest and tossed a spell at it and to my deep joy it splintered apart." Yes!" I scooped up the gold and tucked it away into my bag. I was kinda getting the hang of this.
"Come on, we gotta move!"
Alan leapt up onto the battlements and raced along the wall. I jumped up after him… and promptly fell off the other side and hit the ground.
"Crap!" I yelled as I blinked out of existence and appeared on the other side of the wall again.
It took me six goes to manage the jump, move, run routine, by which time Alan had given up waiting and was half way down the stairs that led to the great hall where the sounds of an epic battle could be heard raging.
"Alan! Don't leave me!" I raced after him and immediately ran into a door that I forgot to open first. I finally made it to the hall after getting wrapped in a spiders web, stuck in a cupboard, setting myself on fire and accidentally drinking a potion that turned me into a ghost for twenty minutes. But at least that gave me a breather to wander around and wail at nothing, kinda like I felt like doing in real life at that moment.
"What took you so long?" Alan called as he slashed at a dark elf that had just thrown a spear at his head.
"I got caught up, but I'm here now. What can I do to help?"
"Anything!" he yelled desperately.
I took him at his word, throwing spells randomly, hitting maybe one intended target out of twenty.
I swung my axe, whacking at anything that came close enough for me to hit.
"Ha! Take that you twat! Come closer so I can kill you easier!"
"I don't think life works that way," I heard John comment.
"How the…?" I looked all around and almost got hit by a flying shield. "Gahhhh," I screamed, ducking out of the way.
"Try hitting it again?" Scott suggested.
"Shut up! I'm trying to stay alive here!" I yelled back.
"Try harder," Gordon encouraged.
"Duck!" Alan yelled and it took me a second to realise he was actually being helpful. I dropped to my knees and just about avoided death by turkey leg.
I'd like to say that I held my own, but I'd be lying. I failed miserably and had to be rescued by Alan another five times just to make it to the end of the level. Though I did manage to trip over my own foot, but then a vengeful knight tripped over me where I was sprawled out on the floor, so I suppose that was a good thing.
"Nope, I'm done, I'll never get the hang of this," I tugged off the headset to find everyone sitting around, watching me.
"How long were you there?" I asked.
"Long enough," Virgil grinned.
"Swish, swish, swish," Scott wiggled his eyebrows at me. I glared in return.
"Lady Witch," John bowed, offering me an apple from the fruit bowl. "I wish to engage your services."
I raised an eyebrow. "I'm a mercenary now, I only accept precious jewels or things of high value. You got any potions about your person?"
"How about a dirty old bar of gold? Will that suffice?"
I pretended to think about it. "Deal." I held out my hand. "You good sir, just hired yourself a witch."
I've got no idea what I just agreed to but I'd just survived an epic quest and now I know I can handle anything. He won't be too mean to me, will he?
