#catullus 11

Salvete Omnes!

I got a bit worked up about Lesbia again, but fortunately some of my friends helped me calm down, so I decided I'd write another poem!

Furi et Aureli comites Catulli, sive in extremos penetrabit Indos, litus ut longe resonante Eoa tunditur unda, sive in Hyrcanos Arabesue molles, seu Sagas sagittiferosue Parthos, sive quae septemgeminus colorat aequora Nilus, sive trans altas gradietur Alpes, Caesaris visens monimenta magni, Gallicum Rhenum horribilesque ulti- mosque Britannos, omnia haec, quaecumque feret voluntas caelitum, temptare simul parati, pauca nuntiate meae puellae non bona dicta. cum suis vivat valeatque moechis, quos simul complexa tenet trecentos, nullum amans vere, sed identidem omnium ilia rumpens; nec meum respectet, ut ante, amorem, qui illius culpa cecidit uelut prati ultimi flos, praetereunte postquam tactus aratro est.

Furius and Aurelius, comrades of Catullus

Whether he chooses to wander down the highway to hell

Or ascend the stairway to heaven,

Whether he visits Timbuktu or Shangrila,

Whether he journeys to the wilds of the Amazon

And nearly gets eaten by a crocodile

Or travels to the sands of the Sahara

And gets caught in a sandstorm

Or sails the seven seas,

imagining himself as Jack Sparrow or at the least Captain Hook,

Or whether he visits Dover, thinking of the intenseness

Of Caesar's landing and the bravery of the aquilifer

And the barbaric Britons he battled and beat,

Wherever fate may send Catullus.

Furius and Aurelius, who are willing to do any and all of these feats,

Announce to my girl a few...not-so-nice words.

May she live long and prosper with her 300 sleazeballs and scumbags,

All of whom she "embraces" at the same time,

Loving none (in reality) but "loving" all of them at once

May she not look back and sigh, as she has, at my love,

Which, due to her, like a beautiful, precious flower,

Has died, after it was pulverized by a drunk driver.

Curate ut valeatis,