#cathlolic

Disclaimer: This story is by no means meant to offend any Jewish people. I realize the great importance of this holiday and wish all a Happy New Year.

I am not a religious person although I am Catholic. Since I still sleep with a night light, sitting in a dark confessional makes my stomach do flip flops. So the last time I went to confession was about three decades ago. Plus as I got older and wiser, especially after watching HBO’s hit series “The Sopranos”, I was not convinced that confessing my sins would emancipate me. What have I done so wrong anyway? Oh yes, I once busted into a male fraternity because we had no tap for the keg at the fraternity I was visiting. I convinced the sleepy frat boy I was just going to borrow his tap, but yet I knew I was never going to return it.

It’s impossible for me to lie, I’m an open book. I have never stolen or killed anyone, never cheated on any of my boyfriends and have loaned tons of money out. Combine that with the fact that Catholic Mass is usually in the morning and I am so not a Sunday morning kind of girl. And, that I believe in the “Church Of Pro Football” (on my Facebook page it says Football is a religious experience for me), except for wedding and funerals, I never go to church.

As a double major in American Government and Philosophy, religion has always fascinated me. I spent time reading and discussing the philosophies of Aristotle, Nietzsche and Plato. I even wrote a thesis on why Plato was a male chauvinist pig, yes it was a bit radical I know, but I was convincing and got an A+.

I have read many books on New Age and spiritual practices, Buddhism, and even Wiccan. I have attended gospel church in Atlanta when I worked for CNN and Greek Church in Florida. In Rio, there is a church on every corner and I went in and lit a candle at each one. On a chain around my neck is a cross, crystal, chai, evil eye, angel, and a hand, my theory I need all the help I can get.

So when dear friend and mentor Barbara invited me to Rosh Hashanah, I was excited, flattered and nervous all at the same time.You see I had been to Passover with a boyfriend and here is how that went down. I arrive and immediately notice there are so many people at the dinner it reminded me of “My Big Fat Italian Wedding” so I immediately felt at home, I slid into my seat. Because I was meeting all my boyfriend’s relatives for the first time I was thrilled that there was wine on the table. A few sips and I would be fine, I breathed a big long but quiet sigh of relief. The wine was Manischewitz and while it did seem rather sweet, I was grateful for the alcohol since I was the only non-Jewish person out of 75 to a 100 people and desperately wanted to make a good first impression.

So I had one glass of wine and then started in on my second, but I am such a cheap date I started getting tipsy. When was our food coming I wondered? So many prayers. I made a beeline for the gelfite fish and matzo thinking it would soak up the alcohol. My boyfriend’s mother noticed me voraciously stuffing food in my mouth and was amazed at what great passion I had for these traditional Jewish foods. She said to my boyfriend, “She is a better Jew than you”. Brownie points his mom loves me! I’m doing great. My boyfriend who was the ‘Bad Jew’ in the family since he hated all the religious stuff and never, I mean never, went to Temple just glared at me with eyes full of disgust.

I didn’t care realizing that gaining his parents approval was the key, by his mother’s lovely comment and decided to finish my second glass of wine. Surely, we would be eating soon. Well, as the prayers continued I decided I would not open my mouth and put any more food and wine in it. Listening intently to the Rabbi who I think was somehow related to my boyfriend, I was intrigued and attentive, so attentive that when the Rabbi asked “ Who knows the answers to the 4 questions?’’ I raised my hand, because I knew the answers. Yes, there I was with my hand raised like an eager school child in class. After all I am a TV reporter, so research is in my DNA. I had read about Passover and surely by knowing the answers to the 4 questions, this would most definitely endear me to his parents further.

Well, as you know if you are Jewish this is not the case, it was a rhetorical question no answer necessary. With my table looking at me in utter disbelief and shock and my boyfriend kicking me under the table, I did a quick walk of shame escape to the bathroom returning to the table only when they started serving dessert. My boyfriend never got over this by the way and I was never invited back for Passover.

So back to my first Rosh Hashanah and Barbara. Being the gracious guest I ask her “What shall I bring?” She says “A veggie side dish”. I search online for Rosh Hashanah recipes, they are all labor and time sensitive. One recipe did look interesting a cold salad, perfect for Florida, but when it said I had to julienne the carrots, I knew I was doomed. I am a food processor kind of girl. While I am a good cook and make a mean lasagna and chocolate mousse, the whole idea of cutting tiny slivers of carrots sounded so unappealing and intimidating to me.

Freaking out after searching for several hours on the internet for more simple recipes, I decided I should order something at the Jewish market. Then my knowledgeable assistant, Lynn, asks the all important question “Are they Kosher?” “I don’t know” I reply. The blood leaves my body, oh my God my house is not Kosher I can’t cook anyway. Relieved, I decide I should bring a side dish made by people who know exactly what the traditional foods for this holiday are. Unlike Italian people who have lasagna or pasta at every holiday, it seems the Jewish people have special important and specific food for each of their Holidays.

I was so happy, I had a plan or so I thought. You see instead of going to one of the Kosher markets near me on Friday afternoon. I picked up the phone and searched their respective websites to see what they had, bad idea. By the time I narrowed my selection down they were closing. I then asked the nice store manager, who I had had told the story of my debacle at Passover, “Could I pre-order my items and pick them up on Saturday?” “Saturday? We’re closed we are in Temple.” “What about Sunday I ask?” He replies “Your Rosh Hashanah orders had to be in weeks ago.” Convinced there has to be one store I can buy a side dish on Sunday, I now spend the entire rest of the afternoon trying to locate one. Everyone I called said the same thing no food available you had to pre-order weeks ago.

Feeling defeated I decide it’s back to plan B — make a homemade vegetable. I call and explain my concerns to Barbara she puts me at ease as their family is not Kosher. I decide on asparagus so on Saturday after going to 3 stores, I find fresh asparagus and buy 6 pounds for 12 people. It’s now 8:30 and I arrive home and between watching the Invicta FC 14 fights, I am an MMA reporter, I start to prepare the asparagus. As I open the asparagus there seemed to be so many in the package. Confused, I call my mother who says “You bought six pounds for 12 people are you crazy? that means everyone gets a half a pound of asparagus, use 4 pounds at most.”

I then proceed to clean them and wash them in a special soap just for veggies, dry them off and snip the ends, a simple task right? Well not for me, I proceed to hack away at the asparagus, in the end they are all different lengths, I am horrified. I did not even have to cook them Barbara said to just prep them, she has a special asparagus steamer — who knew they even made one? Embracing Jewish guilt wholeheartedly, I have momentary delusional visions of everyone at dinner looking at my mismatched asparagus and chastising me. After all it is a high holy day and I am showing such little respect by having mismatched asparagus. I start to feel queasy. I decide to go back and manually cut them all over again, it’s now 2:30. In defense of asparagus-gate, I don’t like asparagus and almost always eat frozen vegetables.

Still apprehensive over my butchered asparagus, I call Barbara in the morning who tells me not to worry in two weeks it’s Yom Kippur, I can repent and start over. “Just like that I ask?” “Yes, just like that she replied” Wow I am beginning to like this religion. I then ask her what some of the important Jewish beliefs are:

The Jews she says are the chosen people- I like this idea I feel special already.

If you are kosher you don’t mix milk and meat- the combination alone makes me sick to my stomach, as I am allergic to milk.

The Jews believe in higher education-as a reporter who is always trying to stay ahead of the ever changing media landscape, I immediately felt a kindred spirit.

Things are going well, till I speak with her further and she tells me the Jewish holidays start tonight. Holy shit I sent all my e-cards for Monday. I thought tonight was like a pre party kick off and tomorrow was the big day. I panic, she then reassures me it’s the thought that counts. I sign off by practicing the words I carefully researched, immensely proud of my new and improved vocabulary “Mazel Tov”, I say. Barbara laughs out loud and say that expression is not for this holiday, you should be saying “L Shana Tova”.

In the end I survived Rosh Hashanah, it appears this event is a lot less formal than Passover. I asked a lot of stupid questions and mispronounced many words. I loved the idea of having sweet food and even though I wanted peanut butter with the apples. The honey cake was amazing. I ate so much I was sick for two days.

Guess what? I got invited for Yom Kipper. While sitting in Temple all day could make me a bit weary, that would not be a big issue, it’s all new to me remember? The idea of fasting and going without coffee is well quite frankly, scary. I am a coffee addict, such a junkie that if I miss a cup I get an immediate migraine and boy am I cranky. I did question the rules about fasting, wondering “If you are a diabetic or hypoglycemic can you eat?” My hosts responded “Oh yes if you have a medical condition it’s okay” Somehow I don’t think being a coffee fanatic is a medical necessity.

Written by The Jawa Report Or some variation on that here at New Republic:s ISIS slaughters its way though Syria and Iraq, it became inevitable that we’d hear from apologists who claim that ISIS is not in fact “true Islam,” and that its depredations are due to something other than religious mo...