#catfishconfession

This might be all over the place so bear with me.

When I was in my second(?) year in middle school, I was on Facebook a lot. It was the most popular platform at the time in my school, and I probably had more "friends" on Facebook than a kid my age should've.

One day, I saw one of my friends talking to this guy that was apparently from a school they had previously gone to. His profile picture looked cute, so me being young and naive, I decided to add him. I don't remember what his name was so we'll just call him Levi.

Almost immediately, Levi and I started talking to each other. I noticed a lot of other girls from my school were adding him soon after me, but he was only talking to me and my small group of friends. It made me feel pretty important since I didn't have a lot of friends and typically got made fun of at school.

We quickly got into a relationship since we had a lot in common, and had a mutual friend. Because my friend (we'll call them Sam) was friends with Levi at their old school, I figured he must be real. Why would my best friend make someone up out of the blue, right?

Everything was fine for a while. Levi and I would talk every day online. He always made me laugh, and never failed to turn a bad day into a good one. He even started writing me notes that he would send to my Sam to give to me at school. The only reason he gave them to Sam and not me was because I was in middle school, and if my mom caught a random boy pulling up to my house, she would get upset. Our relationship was a secret from my family, as my mom didn't have Facebook. My sister, however, knew about my online relationship and told me that she'd seen his picture before and didn't think this was real. I ignored her because I trusted Sam.

People at school began asking if my relationship was even real. Since I wasn't very popular, and I was on the chubbier side, a lot of people thought it was something that I had made up. He was clearly much more attractive and way out of my league, so I understood why people would think I made Levi up myself. However, I assured them he was real and that Sam knew him personally.

I don't remember how long we were together, but he ended up doing something that got him in a lot of trouble at school, so he was grounded and had to give up social media for a while. He asked me before he left if I would go visit him at his house so he could at least see me, but the day he told me he was free, I was busy and I told him no.

He was furious with me. He told me that he had to beg his mom for a week to get her to allow me over. I told him I had prior family plans that I couldn't cancel, so he ended it. It sounds stupid, I know, and it was.

After that, Levi completely disappeared. I never heard from him again, and Sam never spoke of him. The only time anyone brought him up over the years was to say "remember that one guy from Facebook" or to say "y'know, I think he was a catfish". One day after I had graduated high school, my sister and I were watching Catfish together. She turned to me and went, "you should contact them and find out about that Levi guy. I bet Sam was the one who catfished you". I considered it, but in the end, decided it wasn't worth it. It happened almost ten years ago and it didn't bother me anymore.

But then Levi was brought up again. I was talking with Sam one day, and out of nowhere, they confess that they have something to tell me. We weren't even talking about Levi, so I was concerned about what it could be. I was scared I did something wrong.

"Do you remember Levi from middle school?" they asked me.

"Yeah, why?"

"I was Levi."

And that was it. Sam apologized but never explained why they did it. Part of me still wants to know, but another part of me figured it was in the past; we were in middle school and did dumb things. I didn't have any hard feelings toward Sam, and I figured it was better to leave the past in the past.

However, it reminded me of another boy I had met on Facebook somewhere between the end of middle school and the beginning of high school. Again, I don't remember his name, so we'll just call him Mark. Mark was another close friend of Sam, but Mark seemed slightly more convincing to me. Mark had a girlfriend who also had a Facebook, and I had heard Mark's voice over the phone before. Mark had also asked me to hang out at the mall before, saying his mom could pick me up, but I declined since I had a lot of homework to do.

Oi, I need somewhere to vent, and why not vent on Tumblr. 

ANYYWAAAAY.

So, I was going through my "other" folder on Facebook, and god, why? It was just.. too much. It was bittersweet. So many people saying I inspired them, and that I was so beautiful. ETC. But how did I inspire anyone? I literally walked out of a shed and said "it is what it is", "I suppose" 90923 times, and "sorry I'm not Barbie" FIRST mistake was, lying. ALWAYS be honest. LORT HAVE MERCY on anyone who thinks anything you have can be built up on a  lie. Because, it can't. I have too many "catfish relationships" to prove that theory wrong. SECOND mistake, taking my dirty laundry to MTV. I should have known better. I went into it thinking I could share my story, about abuse, my mothers death, my self harm etc. etc. Anyone who even remotely knows me knows that I am a kind hearted person, for the most part. THIRD, here's a tumblr EXCLUSIVE story. I kept Catfishing after the show. I thought that the show was going to help me stop, but honestly, since that didn't go the way I planned, I said, WHY THE HELL NOT. Well, here's why.... little bit of back story. i did actually stop for a bit, like over a year. and then started back. ANYWAY. I started talking to this guy, and it was kind of like, a flirting thing, I had recently went through a pretty bad breakup, and felt like I needed "that" attention. Well, fast forward, almost a year, and I was still leading this poor guy on. AND I HATE THAT. I hate myself the most for hurting this one guy impreticular. Because, literally, he was the picture perfect man. If I needed anything, it was taken care of. Whether it be, monetary, emotional, motivational support, etc. Well, fast forward, and I was like "AYE BAE, DIS AIN'T ME THO" Because, regardless in my mind, if you're in love with someone, and you want something bad enough, you can make it work. But, sadly, it didn't. I literally shattered his heart, and mine too. It's been about 3 months I've been Catfish-free. And, though its hard, I'm not going to do it again. Because after I confronted said guy ^, he told me "you should have just told me from the beginning, because you're beautiful". WELL GOT DAMN, if I would have had just an ounce of self esteem, I wouldn't have broken my heart of his. I know now that he is happy with some other girl, irl. and it makes me so happy, and so sad. Being 21 now, it's time for me to face up to all of this, it's time for me to move on. I will not be breaking any hearts in near future. I hope that one day, even if its 90 years from now, he'll forgive me. But, i can't expect that. I can't expect anything from anyone. I've wronged so many people. And, now its time to treat everyone with the respect, and honesty they deserve, hell, I've come a long way.