#cassyoutube

[Cassidy turns on the video, her face is pretty stoic, she looks a little apprehensive almost. After a moment of just sitting there, she lets out a sigh.] So this months challenge, to talk about something personal. [Looks down at her hands and takes another deep breath.] This one is kinda hard for me. So if you stick around and bare with me til the end, I appreciate it. I fought with this for a bit after seeing the prompt because I wasn’t really sure I wanted the whole world to know. Not that I guess it really matters, but it’s not something I love talking about. But it’s something that’s been really prominent in my life and as much as I try to avoid it, which I know is bad too, I can’t. I’m at home right now in Conyers with my family, and actually it’s really hard being here right now. Not with my family, but because of the memories. and everything that kinda comes with it.

[Cassidy chews on her bottom lip for a moment, realizing she’s just sitting there, she lets it go and stops for a moment.] So just about three years ago, I was in a bad car accident. A car accident that took the life of my boyfriend at the time and injured me pretty badly. [She blinks hard, forcing the tears away for now.] It took a little bit for me to recover physically, and emotionally, I’m not recovered. I’m a lot better than I was before, but I know I still have a long way to go with that.

The hardest part about it all I’m coming to realize is, I never really got to mourn him. [She looks to the side, a little shocked by what she’d just said, not entirely sure where the words were coming from.] I’ve always felt really guilty about it, like it’s my fault, I was driving, and I didn’t see the car coming that hit us. The driver was drunk, and he ran the red light, I didn’t even see him coming. And maybe if I had… I should… [Cassidy shook her head, stopping herself from continuing with that.] The man driving the car should not have gotten into the car that night, and because of his stupid decision not only did he die, but he took the life of someone very important to me. And he hurt me in the process. So because of that, I never got the chance to say goodbye to Nick. I was out of it for a couple of days after the initial accident, and I wasn’t released from the hospital til a couple weeks after they held his memorial service.

[Cassidy took another deep breath, what she just said being the first time she had ever really put the blame on someone else. She had known that fact the entire time, and while it was in the back of her mind she had constantly thought she could have done something, that it was her fault.] And as guilty as I feel, as much as I feel like I should have been more aware and that I should have seen him coming and that it was my fault… I realize, I’m really angry. I’m angry that this guy ruined two lives completely, and severely impacted mine. [Cassidy looks to the side, what she’s saying sinking in that she actually feels it too.]

I miss him. [She says after another pause.] Which I know it’s normal and it doesn’t take away from anything else going on in my life right now, but it’s hard for me right now. I know I’ve got good things for me, great things actually, and I’m happy, but I do miss him. It is normal right? [Sighs] Which this what I’ve been working on. Or trying to work on in therapy. Which I’ve kinda been just letting happen, not really participating in as much as I should. Which I know doesn’t help, and I’ve got excuses left and right, but it needs to stop. So I’m going to stop it. [Gives a slight nod.] The last week actually wasn’t so bad, and I did put in an effort, which I think is what got me to realize I was angry more than anything right now, and after being home and thinking about it.

I’ve got some things I need to think about still, and to kinda process. I mean, I still feel the guilt I’ve been feeling, but I’m kinda realizing it’s not nearly as intense as it was. [Sighs.] I do, I feel a bit different, so I mean, I guess that’s good. But we’ll see. I just have to keep working on this, and I plan to. I’m not giving up, and I’m going to be better. This is something I’m going to be able to let go. [She feels tears welling up in her eyes, but a different kind of tears this time around. There were more hope in them then there had been before. Wiping at her cheeks a bit.] Mostly for me, but for everyone around me. It’s started impacting how I am with people I really care about and I hate that more than anything, that it’s had this hold over me so much.

It’s been tough, it’s still tough and I’m not done yet, I know I’ve got more ahead of me and it’s still not going to be easy. It’s been so far from easy, but I’m getting there. And this isn’t entirely what I intended to talk about. Well, I wasn’t sure where I was going with it, that I was just going to talk about, but it’s been good. This wasn’t that bad of an assignment. Well, I mean I dreaded it when I first saw it and clearly it’s taken me all month, but it turned out not as bad as I had envisioned. I thought for sure I was about to have a breakdown on camera or something. [A small smile forms on her lips a little bit.]

So I’m going to work on that stuff, and maybe next time this comes up I’ll have better news for you, or something. Who knows. [Her shoulders rise and fall a bit, but she can feel a different air about her. Feeling more optimistic than she had in the past, not sure where this had come from today, but feeling more positive about it overall.] So, one more thing before I go, make sure you go and check out my charity that I’m donating too. Bring awareness to it, donate, read about it. Do all three, don’t, but just do something. But this needs to be something that people are aware of. Drunk driving needs to be stopped. No one should have to go through this. So anything that can be done to help is wonderful.

[Camera turns on and Cassidy waves with a smile on her face.] Hey there. Missed me? [She shakes a head a little bit, finding herself silly in that regard.] So, today, I’ve got a little treat for you, cause I’m at home in Conyers, Georgia, visiting my family. So I figured, I’d show you around the house I grew up in a little bit, and introduce you to my family. Sorry in advance if they’re boring. I’m not sure what they’re up to but I’m sure they’ll be semi entertaining hopefully.

[The camera turns around and Cassidy pans the room.] This is my room in the house I grew up in. As you can see it’s pretty neat just like my room back in the sorority house. I like to keep it clean, kinda a little anal that way sometimes. But there are worse things. I could be a complete slob. Anyway, so that’s my room, let’s go see who we can find first in my family.

[Camera moves with Cassidy as she moves down her hallway and down the stairs into the kitchen. From behind the camera Cassidy is heard.] Ooh, we found my mommy. [She says with a little giggle. Moving closer to her mom.] Mom, say hi.

[Ella looks up not noticing her daughter at first, confused, but then shaking her head.] Hi. What is that thing? [Looks back down at whatever it was she was reading at the kitchen counter. Cassidy’s voice is heard again from behind the camera.] It’s for the youtube thing I signed up for, it’s a camera. I’m making you a star! [Ella rolls her eyes at her daughter shaking her head.] I don’t want to be the star, that’s all on you honey. [Cassidy laughs, moving around her mom, showing off her kitchen a little bit.] This is our kitchen. It’s where my mom taught me to cook and stuff. [The camera pans around a little bit before landing back on Ella who is paying no attention to her daughter, still working on what was in front of her.]

Mom… [Cassidy asked, Ella ignoring her and continuing to write down.] Mommy, mom, ma, mooommmm. [Ella looking up at her daughter un-amused.] Yes? [Cassidy laughs a little bit.] What are you doing? [Looks down at her stuff again.] I’m working on something for dinner tonight, I’m trying a new recipe and I’m trying to figure all of what I need from the grocery store. [She looks at her daughter and the camera still in her face some.] Why don’t you go bother your father. [Cassidy can be heard sighing from behind the camera.] Where is he? [Ella shrugs her shoulders.] Maybe he’s in his office. But go find something else to film. [Cassidy moves the camera, uttering a fine as she goes to leave the kitchen.]

[Turning the camera around briefly as she walks through the hallway.] So mom was boring, Sorry about that, maybe she’ll be exciting later. But for now we’re going to go find my dad and continue the little tour.

[Camera turns around as Cassidy does the voice over.] So here is the dinning room, and the living room. There’s some pictures on the walls and stuff. My mom keeps the house pretty clean, think it’s where I get it from. And here’s my dad’s office. [Opens the door and finds her dad sitting at his computer.]

[David looks up from the computer at his daughter and gives her a little smile as he hears the door open.] Hey Cassie, what are you up to? [Again from behind the camera Cassidy is heard.] Hi daddy, say hi to the viewers. [A confused look on his face as he notices the camera.] Hi viewers? [Takes his hands off the keyboard looking at his daughter.] What are you doing? [Cassidy speaks as she moves and sits down in one of the chairs opposite his desk.] I’m making my video for the youtube thing I’m a part of. It’s a piece on my family. [She speaks dramatically, the camera still on her father.

[Nods his head at her.] Well, I’m not going to be able to give you very much, I’ve got stuff I have to do for work. [Sighs.] Mom told me I could pester you. [Laughs a little bit at her.] Well, that was nice of your mom to tell you do that, but she was sadly mistaken. [The camera moves a little bit, Cassidy sighing.] You should work later. I’m more important. [Shakes his head at his daughter’s dramatics.] You are more important, but I need to get this done. [Cassidy gets up from the chair, the camera moving.] Well, you’re no fun. [Laughs again.] Sorry kiddo. Your brothers were in the family room, maybe they’ll help entertain you.

[Turning the camera around again, she has a bit of a frown on her face.] Sorry my family is so boring, I was hoping there would be exciting things going on today, but we haven’t struck out yet. Hopefully Cam and Carter will provide some entertainment. [Turning the camera back around again she makes her way to the family room, panning the camera on Carter and Cam, head to head with video game controllers in their hands.] 

So these are my brothers. Cameron and Carter, and they’re playing video games, so we’re going to be lucky if we can get them to do anything fun. But here it goes. [Carter glances off to the side hearing his sister, keeping his eyes on the tv.] What are you doing Squirt? [Cassidy moves closer, the camera still on them.] Introducing you to all my loyal viewers. Say hi. [In unison.] Hi. [The camera shaking a little bit, turning to the tv.] What are you playing? [Cameron answering her.] CoD. [Cassidy turns the camera back on them.] Are you guys going to be playing for hours? I’m bored.

[Carter nods his head.] Yep, we’re playing til dinner. [Cam laughs and Cassidy sighs.] Can I play then? [Again in unison.] No. [A scoff is heard from Cassidy.] Why not? [Carter pauses the game looking at Cass.] Because if you recall the last time you played with us, you spent half the time accidentally killing yourself or shooting us. [Cameron laughs.] Michelle’s here, why don’t you see if she wants to go get coffee or something. [Cassidy speaks again annoyed.] Fine, you two are rude anyway.

[The camera turns around again focusing her.] So you just witnessed a sibling interaction that happens all the time. It’s happened since I was a little girl, they clearly haven’t grown up. Well, I’m giving up on my family for now, and going to go find Michelle and see if I can convince her to do something with me. My family was boring, but you got to see my house, so there’s that. Until next time viewers. [Shrugs before waving at the camera and turning it off, the screen going black.]

[The camera turns on again and Cassidy is seen with Michelle.] Just had to give you a little update, I convinced Michelle to take me to get Starbucks, she’s now my favorite. And I’m happy. See you next time for real now! [Camera goes black.]