#carolingwrites

AS A PERSON:

this is a man who is familiar with Gen Z/Alpha internet lingo but he tells no one. So when the "New Avengers" are confronted with anything "Skibidi" or Ohio he plays dumb or mildly says "Well you *don't* have aura maybe?" but refuses to explain what the words mean and he won't - unless Yelena asks (and even then Yelena has kind of an idea.)

He can't cook worth shit but he likes baking tons mostly because following recipes is easy as hell, its on a box, it's brownies (and Yelena just side-eyes him the whole damn time but he laughs and shrugs)

If somebody makes a remark about his whole "problem" he just rolls his eyes and bounces it off him with a joke and if he's having a bad day the jokes get nastier (" Look, I'm crazy. I'm not stupid. There's a difference." "C'mon. Throw me a bone here. My life runs the gamut from normal guy to chicken on meth that'd mess with anybody...? man." "Yeah. Well. I'm gonna go sit in my box and take five minutes.") he always apologizes after. He's working on it.

If he remembers to vote he votes Green party. While his favorite was Captain America growing up, when it heads into the fourth of July he just starts to subtly drop hints about how much America sucks. He doesn't really care but he can quote a lot of facts about the failures of American policy. Red Guardian laugh. Bucky chuckles. John takes it very personally.

He fucking hates, *hates* *haaaates* cops. To the point that "oh you poofed a bunch of cops into the void. "huh. that happened. did they come back? ah. well good for them I guess." The comics don't talk about his family but in this case his dad was a cop in my HC so.

He's really good with numbers because the way he got to where he was was doing numbers for drug cartels (this man has an arrest record) and he is very, very good with taxes. So if he wasn't watching Allegra having seen her memories he threatens to look up her tax numbers. ("Are you threatening to kick my ass?" "No. I'll look at your tax returns")

WITH YELENA.

He tends to go to Yelena first to share triumphs and tribulations about anything he's learned or discovered. This also means she gets to deal with any "Sentry" moments. This varies from dealing with his "hey I did a cool thing" to his delusions of grandeur "It's because I'm fucking amazing and the rest of you fucking suck."

It's because he catches himself around her though, and he does, and he apologizes. To her credit she's set some pretty good boundaries with him and he respects that. They have a 15 minute rule if he's having a bad day or he recognizes he wants to share something mental health related.

He's turned her on to playing Mario Kart and gotten Red Guardian to play with them. he will never admit to either of them that he considers them the closest thing to family because he has no idea what their relationship is he just knows he is happy around him.

He has also turned her on to ASMR because it helps *him* fall asleep. She'll never admit some of it freaks her out but he swears it helps so she just humors him because okay sure watching videos of people pretending to brush your hair works and maybe it kind of does she won't admit it.

WITH ALEXEI

he's getting him to teach him Russian.

Despite having done every drug under the sun, he doesn't drink which confuses the hell out of the Red Guardian but having done quite a few drugs himself (as well as drinking), Alexei is probably his biggest sobriety partner. Sometimes people will find the two of them deep in conversation. If Yelena needs a break she'll send him to Alexei and Alexei will just grab him a little like scruffing a kitten with a "C'mon boy. You're talking to me now."

They go for drives. .

He does Alexei's taxes (or at least he tried. Then he determined he's going to prison because he never filed. so he'd go to prison if he tried to turn them in.)

The two of them talk communism with Alexei trying to convert him to a comrade. Bob doesn't care but he humors him.

WITH AVA

bob took Ava's remarks about "not having a childhood" really seriously so he started sending her cartoon recaps because he's obsessed with youtube. Stuff like Rugrats, Cartoon Network, Pokemon. When she asked him "Why" he lied and said that "It might be helpful in training because reading over what kids like might help with dealing with kids". She told him to stop - until she asked for more stuff about anime like pokemon. Just - stop spamming her email.

She's the one who teaches him meditation. His "bad" days are his and he doesn't show them to anybody but the one time she caught him - a rarity - she's the only person that ever has- she taught him meditation to keep himself grounded. it helps. he's grateful.

Sometimes Bob has a tendency to get annoyed with people who his friends are pissed off at which translated to a passed off hatred of Hank Pym, Scott Lang, and Hope Van Dyne. Ava was watching them on TV and just kind of rolled her eyes at them on TV making a casual remark about "stolen valor" for her father's work and Doctor Foster's. Bob's remark, "Do you want them here? I mean I'll hold them down, Drag um down even and lock them *down there* and you can just. Do what you want. Or I will. It'll be great!" No? Okay no. No I mean...bad idea. Yeah. Sorry sometimes...Just slips out." Sorry.

WITH WALKER

He does make the Gen Z/Gen Alpha lingo jokes at John mostly about not having Aura or Rizz. But he'll point out that he was "made in Ohio" technically and when John asks if he's okay or having an episode Bob will feel bad but he keeps up with the joke so he'll say yeah. It's just too good a joke to not keep going.

The whole reason that Bob has done any kind of training at all is because of John and he's gotten really good at it. He can actually put together a gun together and take it apart and put it together. He just hasn't shared he can do it with his mind *really really fast*.

He doesn't "like" the guy but he'll defend the guy. He doesn't like what he represents and he likes what they do to soldiers even less. When he was dealing, vets were some of his customers so whenever anybody from the government shows up he makes sure to dress extra nice and just sit and stare really really quietly trying to be as creepy as possible.

When they get close to either Bucky or John he doubles up on the staring and when Allegra gets close to either of them he'll just move up and sit even closer staring at her directly tilting his head even more animal like before smiling. Then when people afterwards ask him why he behaves like that he shrugs "I don't care what people think about me. They treat you guys like trained dogs. You're not. I don't give a shit what people think. They don't get to treat you like that."

He's not going to bend the shield back into place ever but he did buy Taco bell tacos and buy a big card that said "Have a smashing birthday" and he crossed that out and wrote "I'm sorry I smashed your shield."

WITH BUCKY

He's put together about Sam and Bucky falling out and he is trying to figure out how to approach the idea that Bucky should break away from Allegra. Or they should strike out on their own. Or maybe just disband. He's not sure how to play things yet.

He just doesn't want them to leave him and he doesn't want to leave them either because he's worried that if they leave then he'll snap and he feels like Bucky gets it but he can't talk to Bucky about that so he just kind of haunts him and tires to engage him in conversation because he's seen what Bucky went through and he knows that he might get it.

"You should get a pet." "What?" "You should get a pet man. I'm not saying everybody I'm saying. You. Like I know you've got this tough guy persona to maintain but you just strike me as a dude who needs like, a pet." "...Maybe you need a pet." "I've got a pet." "...No no! It's not you guys! wait that didn't come out right. Hang on it's um. hang on. It's a virtual pet! See it's a tamagotchi! I feed it, play with it. I had a dog growing up...I'm gonna go now."

Bucky doesn't scare him but the void knows that Yelena has to be the first to die, Bucky has to be the second. Yelena is the barrier preventing it's return to power, Bucky is the one who would organize people to stand against it.

WITH ALLEGRA

Allegra is a huge trigger for him. She avoids looking at him and tries to fake mother him whenever she sees him. It's hard to turn off that need for approval but he likes how people stand beside him.

That turns on that protective sense of "I've got to protect these people these people suck and don't want what's best for everybody otherwise they won't try and divide this whole team thing because something bad is coming."

If I really could control this I should just kill her. - is a regular thought Bob's had and it's the one thing he wishes all three of his personalities could agree on.

He is banned from seeing her but he still shows up anyway. It's gotten to the point where people have taken her aside and said point blank "Look. You need to stop asking to see him." "Why? He's-" "It's for your safety. We don't know what to do with him. And we don't know what he'll do to you. He doesn't like you. At all. He likes us. and he might hurt you."

To which Bob would respond, "No no, I wouldn't do thaaaat- I'd just y'know. Remind her. about her dad."

And he just stares.

"But that's private right?"

and he just spends the rest of the day alone and Allegra leaves.

I do have some hope though that they'd be gentle with it cause when Pullman was like "hey I get this, I majored in social work" I was like *what the actual fuck* someone who *gets this* between him and David K Harbour I have *faith* holy shit that if there *is* angst and heartbreak it'll be in a tasteful way that won't fuck with an impressionable audience. Cause the dude gets it.

I'm not leaving Twitter. I'm not as active but I regard it as a test of my principles (1), proof of the hypocrisy of the right because I remain listening and ready (2) and 3. I'm watching at least one person fall down a pipeline in real time.

It's kind of disturbing because I know this person has every reason to be progressive. They're a minority, they are disabled- they are at the intersection of so many identities it's wild and obvious. They are also outspoken critics of the US response in Gaza, claim to have lost work because of these things, and are very clearly struggling.

They just bought a blue check and are commiserating with other people about how they "had to" in order to have a career.

I'm not following them because I agree. I am following them because it is a study of why so many people, so many minorities, so many working class Americans, went to Trump. In real time.

i pledge to be more authentic on bluesky and threads and here - but most likely to post less personal information outside of other channels.

That's less because of fear of republican reprisal and more of a desire to focus and keep myself secured before looking for a niche and way to organize - or at least take time to calm down.

Yesterday, the day after the world ended, I lost a very important part of my job. I accept the loss and am grateful. I forgive them for causing me pain and recognize that I am here and I deserve to be here and have what I want.

(If I'm blunt maybe it's God/the universe/W/E giving me a mental check so I don't do anything too manic or stupid to threaten what I do have.)

That doesn't mean it's not massively fucking painful. That it doesn't rip my damn heart out and I'm fucking furious because I've been pushed to a position where I'm disregarded and outcast after devoting a year to it...

But. They had to do it for the budget. Rather than wait for the storm to pass i will rage and sob and do my damndest not to be too petty and mean. But fuck, then and there. My God I'm angry.

For my own edification. I forgive them because they were not happy with my performance and I am working to accept that. I would like to believe the timing was not intentional.

There was a point in my life where I was homeless - the kind of homeless that went from sleeping on people's couches to living in shelters and being on the street. There's a degree of failure that doesn't go away even though this was almost a decade ago, a sense of "You failed and you could end up back there at any second." It feels like losing a game.

One of the things that I carry away from it though is an immense sense of pity - not for the individual but the group as a whole. This is weird I know because most people are stuck on the absolutely brilliant Men in Black quote:

"A person is smart. People are panicky dangerous animals and you know it."

It's true to a point. Not because individuality is bad - countries right now are going to war over the idea of what it means to be individual. Capitalism versus Communism. The idea you should subsume your identity for the greater good. I just don't think we see the bigger picture.

When I was on the street I had this sense of being outside of society. I couldn't call the cops without risking my own imprisonment, I had to take special care of my appearance so I knew how I looked so I didn't look or act homeless. I was outside of what I knew as traditional society and I learned the following. Despite everything, despite everything and I mean *everything* wrong in the world, there was a desperate attempt not to do good or evil but to understand what the fuck was going on. Why we were good, why we were evil. Just how much as a group we're motivated by lizard brain.

Sometimes though, when weighing the actions of the individual versus the whole, we want to align the lizard brain to the human sense of self and identity.