#captured sunshine

But in moments like these — those moments where i’m really resounding with my inner self my second thought becomes “I need to put all of this to paper” or, er, in this case a post i’m like whatever. Because there’s no way I can write as fast as my thoughts fly but my typing is ridiculously fast and (85%) concise.  Usually these posts too are pretty raw. I want to capsule as much as i’m thinking and feeling as I can. When i’m so moved to type like this, for the first time I can call myself selfish. I’m doing it for myself. A note to a later Me chronicling our growth. Not doing this for anyone else. 

Today I feel like I hit a really big milestone. To my surprise, it’s not in association to the path of healing from the loss of my mom. I mean I guess it could be. It was something she was aware of and left me better reminders for. But today, for the first time in a long while, I just kinda looked at myself and thought: “Wow. I love me.”  

The best way I can describe this week is like a rollercoaster. The beginning of this week started with this slow ascent up. Two big things happened with two fandoms (for lack of word smh) I deeply connect with. It could easily be said both of these things are deeply connected and rooted with who I am as a person. They’re huge pieces of me that can’t be ignored, even if I talk bad or aggressively deny my love for either of these things. I was just buzzing with so much excitement I honestly don’t know how I contained it as well as I did?? I just wanted to talk to everyone about it. My friends, my co-workers even, heck I even ended up blabbing about it to my family (which is another story but for general consensus they’re hardly in favor of my deep interests) about them. 

But this really gross decent in this coaster came when I felt...in all the places I feel that I put most of myself in, I was either indirectly told “shut up” or was overall spoken over. It really stung me. It threw me in a slump real quick. People have commented to me how i’m an emotional person and I know that. I’m every bit of emotion all at once. (if you consider life like Inside Out in often occurrence you could say my emotions are probably overworked and usually clocking in overtime. 😂)  To feel everything all the time? Yeah, for the longest i’ve called this my curse. 

So imagine the rollercoaster eases up, slows down, and it’s just going on this straight path. No loops, no curves. Just straight forward. I’m watching the world go hype over these things. I’m looking at fanart, i’m watching videos. But in the back of the mind i’m punishing myself. “You feel too much about these things and it’s stupid. These are silly things to have even deeply connected yourself to. Be quiet.” “I shouldn’t emote too much about it. Even if it makes me want to scream with joy, there’s not a place anyone wants this. Don’t be obnoxious on Tumblr. Stagger your reblogs on Twitter. Don’t talk about it at all. You feel too much and not everyone wants to see how you’re feeling about it. Be considerate.” 

Looking back now, those thoughts were so disgusting. Calling myself doing a service for everyone else, it just made me feel more miserable. I think I was on the ebb of a small depressive slump before I finally broke down about it to a friend. God lemme tell you how grateful I am to have this person in my life because she really knocked me to my senses. Thanks to this person I was able to really rationalize, to think, and reflect. On my relationships, on people, but mostly myself. Which I hardly ever do, so concerned about others 24/7. (you wanna talk about a REAL curse there)

I realize that everyone is different. We all handle situations differently and react differently to different things. How someone else universally reacts doesn’t mean it works the same or as well as someone else. This is common knowledge, I know, but look. When you’re really in your feelings even the common things become a little obscure.

It’s totally okay for me to be excited about the things I love. It’s totally okay to be happy, to want to yell about it, share it with the people you care about even if they don’t want to give a care about it at all. That’s cool. I won’t share it then. I’m excited about it. Even if it seems childish. Even if it seems like it’s something no one wants to hear about it. I love this. Someone else’s positive or negative response does not justify how good or bad me being excited about it is.

My yelling, my deep connections to the things I love, my excited posts over one thing— that’s what makes, Me. Even if for someone else it’s not all that and a bag of chips, to ME it’s always gonna be a bag of chips, soda, cotton candy, and every breakfast food (except hashbrowns) out there. And I can’t help it if I get excited over it. 

On my way to see The Lego Movie 2 with my best friend today, I started crying. That’s right, i’m in this smol tiny red car, blasting this really cheery song from the movie called the Catchy Song because i’m SO EXCITED and HAPPY that i’m going to see this movie again. I’m SO overwhelmed with emotion that i’m about to see this colorful, silly looking movie AGAIN, filled with characters i’ve made connections with that I can’t do anything else but cry! That is such a beautiful feeling to have. Compared to months ago, how my tears came from this dark and deep hollow and empty feeling, three months later i’m crying because i’m so HAPPY. I got to see this movie happen! I got to experience this movie and feel the happiness of seeing these characters I love in action again. I got the chance to hear this song. I get the chance to hear it and dance to it again. I get the chance to share it with my best friend and see his reactions! I made it to today to FEEL all of THIS.

It’s not a curse to feel everything all at once. Feeling everything is what makes even the littlest things the BIGGEST adventure. Feeling everything is what makes every disappointment I run into seem like the end of my world. Feeling everything is what makes my anger blaze so hot that I gotta give myself days to cool off. Feeling everything is what gives MY life a little extra fun to go through. It’s colors, sparkles, and those excessive amounts of emotional glitter that just so happens to explode at slightly inopportune times. Of course, that’s not the green light to let my emotions run wild, but, I shouldn’t punish myself because I react as loudly as I do. I’ll be so loud, because it’s 100% me. Not 50%, not a tailored 75%. But it’s authentic and true.

My bestie and I were the last to leave from the theater because we’re both still sitting there mid-credits while i’m dancing in my seat, shouting the Catchy Song, this new anthem of mine, word from word. I hear him sing the chorus (JUST ONCE GOD BLESS) and overall he’s really letting me have that moment. (Or maybe at this point my antics don’t phase him anymore which is likely the case. 😂) For me it felt like a celebration, living my best life, so happy that i’m dancing in an empty movie theater with my best friend at my side. That’s a Mimi reaction. Something about myself I should be and always be proud of. This is where the rollercoaster speeds up, and hits back on the climb heading to a tippy top where there’s loops and twirls and all the swirlie swirls that make it the FUNNEST THRILL RIDE EVER. 

The right people will accept the way I emote. The better people will embrace that about me. For others, it might not work out at all. Either way, no matter what anyone says I love that I can feel everything about anything. If anything, that’s what makes me fun! My REAL conversations and Twitch streams would be a snooze otherwise. It feels so wonderful to say “yes I love THIS about me”. I’m not gonna let this self love hour leave me.